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    A Paltry Understanding Of Poultry

    | Alabaster, AL, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Customer: “Egg and cheese. That’s poultry, right?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Poultry. Poultry means vegetarian, right?”

    Me: “Um, sometimes vegetarians eat poultry and animal products. It just depends on the person.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. People are just changing all of this political correctness and I don’t know what things mean anymore. You’ll ask stupid questions when you’re my age and people change what words mean.”

    Required: One Marauder’s Map

    | Boston, MA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a large retail store that requires maps for customers. An older woman approaches me with said map…)

    Woman: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, what can I do for you?”

    Woman: “Well, that map:” *points to the one bolted to the floor* “It shows me where I’m currently standing, but this one:” *shows the paper map she’s holding* “doesn’t. Why?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, that’s the map you actually carry throughout the store. There’s no way for it to know where you are at any time.”

    Woman: “Well, all of your maps should show me where I am in the store!”

    Me: *taking her paper map* “Let me see if I can get the GPS on this paper map fixed for you.”

    Remotely Stupid

    , | Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Cellphone Carrier]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi! I would like to update my cellphone.”

    Me: “Sure! I can help you. I see you have an iPhone. Can you please go into your settings?”

    Customer: “Oh! Do I have to do it? I thought you had to press a button from your computer and work your magic.”

    Making A Mockingjay Out Of You

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Movies & TV

    (I’m working in the box office on a slow night.)

    Customer: *after movie gets out* “Can I get a refund? That movie was horrible! I hated the ending!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What did you see?”

    Customer:  ”Catching Fire. It just ended! How am I supposed to know what happens next? It was getting really good and then it just stopped. I don’t understand why they would do that!”

    Me: “Oh, well there is actually another movie coming out. It’s originally based on a book trilogy; Catching Fire is based off of the second book.”

    Customer: “So that’s not the end?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, the next movie will probably be out in a couple years.”

    Customer: “So it’s like Breaking Dawn?”

    Me: “Yes…”

    Customer: “Oh, that makes so much more sense! Bye!”

    A Fraud Sandwich

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    Customer: “Hi. I’m here to order some food but first I have a little situation. I was hoping to talk to someone who could help me with it.”

    Me: “Okay, sure. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I was in here last week and I left three of my sandwiches here. I had already paid for them. I just accidentally left them in the store. I called and the woman said, I forget her name, but she said I could get them replaced.”

    Me: “All right, did you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “No, it was left in the bag that I left here.”

    Me: “Okay, so, you don’t remember who you spoke to? What day—”

    Customer: “No, I can’t recall her name. She just told me to come in and I could get my sandwiches.”

    Me: “Okay, what day did you come in?”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Some day last week.”

    Me: “Okay, last week? So… what day?”

    Customer: “I guess, I don’t know, I think it was Thursday. Probably Thursday.”

    (I get some more information including her name, that she was here around 4-5pm and that her order was over 40 dollars and paid for in cash.)

    Me: “All right. I’ll go ahead and check out this information and I’ll be right back.”

    (I check the manager schedule for last week to see who it may have been that she spoke to. It is the first week of December and it just so happens that Thursday the previous week was actually Thanksgiving, one of two days the entire year that we ever close.)

    Me: “So, ma’am, are you sure you came in on Thursday?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it had to have been Thursday. I’m pretty sure it was Thursday.”

    Me: “Okay well, we were actually closed last week on Thursday because it was Thanksgiving.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, I don’t really remember. I guess it was probably Friday.”

    Me: “All right, I’ll be right back.”

    (I check the schedule for Friday, and it turns out that two female managers had been in very early for Black Friday catering and had left well before 4pm. The only female manager who was in past 11am was me. I double check our guest checks and can find no orders for even close to 40 dollars that were paid in cash.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it looks like there are no checks from Friday for a 40 dollar cash transaction and the only female manager here on Friday that you could have possibly talked to was me.”

    Customer: “Look, I don’t really remember what day it was. The manager I spoke to just told me to come in here and any manager would be able to get me my sandwiches.”

    Me: “All right, I’ll be right back again.”

    (One of the female managers is actually working and says she didn’t talk to this woman, so I call the last possible option and she confirms that she would have left a note about it and that she can’t remember any situation for three sandwiches by this customer’s name.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, unfortunately there seems to be no information regarding your situation. Our procedure is to take the customer’s name and possibly phone number and leave a note of communication for other managers. I cannot find any notes and none of our female managers remember promising anyone by your name three sandwiches.”

    Customer: “I… I don’t understand.”

    Me: “The managers here are all instructed to follow a certain standard of procedures when dealing with promising customers free food. We take the customer’s name and leave a note for the other managers-”

    Customer: “So what are you telling me?”

    Me: “The procedure for dealing with this situation was not followed by whatever manager you may have spoken to. You can’t remember any details about your transaction and there is no evidence of it here in the store. Unfortunately, due to our policies, I will be unable to give you any sandwiches for free today.”

    (The woman had been becoming increasingly rude as our interactions had continued, culminating at this point to full-out head tilts and accusatory eyebrow raises.)

    Customer: “I definitely spoke to a manager and she said all I had to do was come here and talk to any manager and I would be able to be given my sandwiches that I had already paid for and left here.”

    Me: “Are you sure that you spoke to a manager, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, I am.”

    Me: “Our managers all follow the same procedure for dealing with promising free food to customers. Somehow you managed to not be treated to the correct procedure and I will be unable to give you anything. You don’t remember the name of the manager and I can find no proof that your transaction ever existed. It would be in your best interest—”

    Customer: “I spoke to—”

    (Tired of being cut off, I continue to speak regardless of her interruption. She continues to try to interrupt me and I continue to speak over her.)

    Me: “It would be in your best interest to have as much information as possible regarding your situation if you truly intended to have your food replaced.”

    (The woman tries to act very holier-than-thou about the whole situation.)

    Customer: “I spoke to a manager and was promised my food replaced. I didn’t even ask for my money back. I just wanted to get my sandwiches that I had already fully paid for, and that is not my fault; that is YOUR fault. Now, I’m going to need to buy some jars of your hot peppers, and maybe you should go ahead and give me a discount.”

    Me: “You know what, ma’am—”

    Customer: “EXCUSE me, WHAT did you say?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you know what? I—”

    Customer: “WHAT.”

    (I pause and look at her. I figure the negligible price of a small jar of hot peppers that we give away for free on people’s sandwiches every day is worth quieting her.)

    Me: “I’m sorry that there was a miscommunication about your sandwiches and so I’m going to do you a favor and go ahead and give one of these jars to you for free.”

    Customer: “Good.”

    (After making me keep an associate late to watch the line so I could investigate this situation, inconveniencing other customers, and being remorseless and insulting about lying to somebody’s face, I hope that woman could get to sleep at night for ‘winning.’)

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