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    Doesn’t Fit The Bill

    | Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Money, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a gift shop at a castle. A puzzled customer comes up to the till.)

    Customer: “How much are your postcards?”

    Me: “They’re 50 pence.”

    Customer: “So 50p means 50 pence?”

    Me: “Yep, they’re the same thing.”

    Customer: “Okay, so, I have a certificate for 5.”

    (We don’t do gift certificates to the best of my knowledge, so…)

    Me: “Sorry; when you say certificate, what exactly do you mean?”

    Customer: “It’s like a… bill?”

    Me: “A five pound note?”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: *baffled* “May I ask where you’re from?”

    Customer: “I’m from California.”

    Me: “Right, well, basically, our pence are like your cents, and our pounds are like your dollars. It’s 100 pence to a pound.”

    Customer: “OH! That makes so much more sense of all of your shops!”

    Putting The Green Into The Machine

    , | Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

    (The customer orders her food and starts to drive off before the total was told.)

    Employee: “The total will be $10.27.”

    Customer: *muffled, because she’s pulled forward* “Did you received my $20.”

    Employee: “I’m sorry.”

    Customer: *still muffled* “Did you get my $20?”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Could you please pull up to the first window and we’ll take care of it?”

    (The customer pulls up to the drive thru window.)

    Customer: “I was asking if you received my $20. I put it in the machine.”

    Employee: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, we don’t have a machine. We take cash at the window.”

    Customer: “Oh, I guess my money is outside, then.”

    (One of the employees was sent out to get the customers money from the drive thru speaker.)

    Going To Get Charged With Nine Months

    | CT, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in this small grocery store and we don’t get many customers until one day…)

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, could you help me with my stuff.”

    (The lady has a large stomach.)

    Me: “Sure, ma’am.”

    (I help her, but she slips a bit and I see a watermelon sticking out a bit from her shirt.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to remove the watermelon from your shirt.”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DISRESPECTFUL B****?! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M PREGNANT?!”

    Me: “I can see it slipping from your shirt…”

    (At this point the customer started running away, but fell over herself. The watermelon splattered everywhere and she kept screaming MY BABY! MY POOR BABY! but realized it was useless and she was caught. That really made my day.)

    A Sad Depiction Of Eviction

    | NJ, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging

    (I work second shift front desk at an extended stay [Brand] hotel. Of 140+ rooms we have only a couple of two bedroom suites, the largest of our [Brand]’s suites.)

    Caller: “Are you owned or managed by [Some Company]?”

    Me: “No we are owned by [Company #1] and managed by [Company #2].”

    (I never get asked this.)

    Caller: “I’m interesting in seeing the two bedroom suite.”

    Me: “Sure, if you can come by tomorrow I can have someone show you the room.”

    Caller: “Could I see it tonight? I want to stay for three months. I’ll have [Related Brand] hotel shuttle drop me off.”

    Me: “The room hasn’t been cleaned yet…”

    Caller: “That is okay.”

    (It being a Sunday night with only a few check-ins left, I figure it would be okay if I took 15 minutes to land a three-month stay in our most expensive room.)

    Me: “Great, I’ll show you the room when you arrive.”

    (The shuttle drops them off.)

    Me: “Welcome to [Hotel].”

    Caller: “You aren’t owned or operated by [Company #3], are you?”

    Me: “Nope!”

    (I’m getting a bit worried about this; nobody asks this question or is so interested. I show them the room and they tell me about how they need more chairs, a desk for their son, etc. They come across as very needy. This does not bode well.)

    Caller: “We will be living here until our house is ready, and we will need to use the van to pick up our son from school and to do errands.”

    (Red flag: They have a house under construction but they don’t own a car!)

    Me: “For all these things especially the extra furniture and preferential van scheduling will need management approval.”

    Caller: “Okay, let’s book this and your manager can get back to us.”

    Me: “Great, I just need a [Loyalty Card] number and a credit card.”

    Caller: “Okay here is the [Loyalty Card] number and let me read you the CC number.”

    (With confirmation number in hand they called Related Brand hotel and got the shuttle back. At this point I checked their Loyalty Card history. They had been in two hotels for 12 months. I wanted to know why they are changing hotels and what is going on and what they aren’t telling me. I left a note for my manager to call Related Brand hotel and find out why they are leaving. My manager called the other hotel. No sooner did she say the guest’s name, the other manager burst into tears. In New Jersey, if you live in a hotel long enough, you are entitled to protection under the eviction laws. That means the hotel has to take you to court if you haven’t paid your bill. For the first 60 days they paid on time and in full but as soon as the eviction rules kicked in they stopped paying. As a result the hotel had impounded their car. The hotel, having had them evicted, was in the process of extracting money owed for the room, totalling something like $80k. The family was also being investigated by the FBI for committing wire fraud from the hotel’s business center. Naturally my manager cancelled their reservation and I got a $20 gift card to Olive Garden for saving us tens of thousands of dollars of pain. If they hadn’t been so d*** needy we wouldn’t have known until it was too late!)

    The Luxury Of Name-Dropping

    | Birmingham, MI, USA | Funny Names, Movies & TV

    (I am the manager at a local palladium. There are 12 theatres. Two of them are bigger and the chairs are more comfy so there is an extra $1 fee per ticket for them. It says outside and inside the palladium when the movie times are for the luxury theatres.)

    Customer: “Five tickets for [luxury show].”

    Me: “Okay your total will be $40.”

    Customer: “Wait I thought it was just $35.”

    Me: Well, normally it would be, but that movie is playing in the luxury theatres so it is an extra dollar fee per ticket.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not paying for that! That is outrageous! I don’t care where I sit but I’m not paying the extra money! You’re trying to rip me off, aren’t you! I know your manager and I want to see him right now!”

    Me: “Sir, I am sorry to inform you but that would be me and I do not recognize you.”

    Customer: “You should do! We had a long conversation and everything!”

    (I flip my nametag around and say:)

    Me: “Sir, if you can tell me my name, I will wave the extra fee for you, and please do it fast because you are holding up the line.”

    Customer: *pauses* “I’ll just pay the extra money…”

    Me: “Thank you. Have a nice time.”

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