Caller: “Hi, I received a homeowner’s quote in the mail, and I have some questions about it.”

Me: “Sure, I’ll be more than happy to help you out with that today.”

Caller: “Will this policy protect my bicycle?”

Me: “Yes, the policy will protect all your personal property within the specified limit.”

Caller: “What if someone tries to run me over while I am riding the bicycle, like in a parade?”

Me: “Well… actually, the person who tried to run you over would be liable for your bike and your injuries, so you could sue them. If you don’t mind me asking, why do you think someone is going to try and run you over?”

Caller: “I am going to be riding my bike in parade, and my ex-husband was a very powerful man with many enemies. I’m afraid that people are going to try and hurt me to get back at him.”

Me: “Oh… well… people trying to injure you would not be settled by your insurance company, but you definitely have other options.”

Caller: “What about my cat?”

Me: “Your… cat… is in the parade as well?”

Caller: “Yes, I fashioned a cage on my bike so that he can ride around on the front, so in the parade I am going to be riding around with him in the cage for all to see! But I am afraid that he will be hurt as well.”

Me: “Well, like I said, if someone comes after you or your cat, it will be settled in a court of law.”

Caller: “Now, also, what if my cat attacks someone?”

Me: “Does your cat attack people on a regular basis?”

Caller: “Only colored people.”

(The call actually went on for longer, with me eventually declining the policy due to her owning a dangerous animal… wow.)

Related:
Just… Wow

Me: “Okay, so what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “Well, it’s my son’s computer, it’s… smoking.”

Me: “It’s smoking? Is it making a loud beeping sound or is it hot? Anything else that would indicate that it’s on fire?”

Caller: “No! It’s not hot or anything. In fact, it seems to work just fine, but after it being on for about two or three minutes it starts to smoke.”

Me: “Okay… well, shut the machine down, unplug it, and then hold down the power button for about ten seconds.”

Caller: “Ok. Got it. Now what?”

Me: “Ok, open the case and take a look inside. Does anything look melted or cracked or–”

Caller: “Oh…”

Me: “You found the problem?”

Caller: *angry* “Oooh yeah. There’s… uh… there’s a little plastic bag taped to the inside of the case… full of dried green stuff.”

Me: *trying not to laugh*

Caller: “Thanks for your help. I need to go have a talk with my son.” *click*

(I am watering the plants in the nursery, about two hours before closing time, and see a customer down the aisle.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything, sir? ”

Customer: “Uh… uh… ”

(I then notice that he’s peeing on some of our boxwoods.)

Me: “What–”

Customer: “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!”  *zips up and runs out*

Coworker: “Did that guy just quote Darkwing Duck at you?!”

Me: *drops watering hose* “I’m taking a break.”

Related:
Welcome To Retail, Part 2
Welcome To Retail

(I’m waiting in the movie ticket line and overhear three teenage girls having a conversation.)

Girl #1: “What is the mat-in-ee?”

Girl #2: “That’s like, a sea creature, right?”

Girl #3: “OMG, you are so stupid! Its like when you get a discount because your dad is, like, in the military or something.”

Girl #1: “OMG, I’m so stupid!”

Girl #3: “Yeah, you should pay more attention to your surroundings!”

Caller: “Hi, I want to use my roommate’s computer but it’s not working.”

Me: “Could you describe the problem?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a sign next to it that says ‘In case of error, PEBCAK.’ Could you explain it?”

Me: *tries not to laugh* “It’s short for ‘Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard’.”

Caller: “Oh! I get it! Hold on…”

(I hear a loud cracking sound and some faint swearing.)

Caller: “It’s still not working!”

Me: “Er… what did you do?”

Caller: “I took away the wooden bit under the keyboard… now it’s right over the chair!”

(I actually head-desked after that.)

Customer: “This phone doesn’t hang on the wall right. The handle keeps falling off.”

(Knowing exactly what’s wrong, I fix the phone on the spot. It’s a simple fix.)

Customer: “How did you do that?”

Me: “I turned this little tab around so the handle catches on it.”

Customer: “How did you know that?”

Me: “Didn’t the instructions tell you how?”

Customer:  *snorts* “I don’t have time to read the instructions!”

Me: “But you had time to return it and complain?”

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story:
Getting A Word In Edgewise

(A customer walks into my video rental store on Christmas Eve 2005; it’s about 9 pm.)

Customer: “Are you open?”

Me: “Are the lights on?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Are the lights on?”

Customer: “Yes…”

Me: “Was the door unlocked?”

Customer: “Well, yeah…”

Me: “Have you ever been somewhere that was closed when the lights were mon and the doors were open?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “So, you understand now!”

Customer: “No. Are you open or not?”

Related:
You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2
You Can Lead A Horse To Water

(Within a few minutes of a family of four sitting down, the fire alarm went off at our restaurant.)

Me: “Hello folks, sorry for the terrible inconvenience. I’m sure everything will be cleared up here very soon.”

Customer: “Is this a joke?”

Me: “I assure you this isn’t a joke, unless you find it funny!” *laughs*

Customer: *deafening silence*

Me: “… but I also assure that there is no fire.”

Customer: “I’d like to speak with a manager, please.”

Me: “Sorry, but my manager is very busy at the moment dealing with the fire department. The drinks are on the house. If you could just sit tight, we’ll be with you shortly.”

Customer: “You know it’s my son’s birthday, right?”

Me, to son: “Oh! Happy birthday buddy!”

(I jokingly slide the beer towards the son, which sets the customer off even more.)

Customer: “Get a manager over here, right now!”

(My manager tells me that there is a problem with the ovens that the fire department has to figure out, and that we have to evacuate the building.)

Me: “I’m sorry to inform you that the grills have been turned off and–”

Customer: “How can we order our food then?”

Me: “Well… yeah, that’s the thing. We have to get everyone out of the building.”

Customer: “Excuse me? We don’t get to eat? It’s my son’s birthday. Is there anything you can do? We are very unhappy with this!”

Me: “Well, the fire department has ordered the evacuation, so I also have to leave the building.”

Customer: “It is my son’s birthday. He is turning 13. How often do people turn 13? Once! You have ruined my son’s only 13th birthday!”

Me: “Sorry buddy, I hope you get everything you want for your birthday!”

Customer’s son: “This was my birthday present and you ruined it!”

Customer: “What did you do on your 13th birthday?!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU RUINED MY SON’S BIRTHDAY!”

Me: “My 13th birthday was 8 years ago exactly.”

Customer: *confused*

Me: “How many times to you turn 21? Is this how you spent YOUR 21st birthday? GET OUT BEFORE I SET YOU ON FIRE!”

(It’s was a bitter-sweet birthday present: Leaving work 5 hours early, but with no money.)

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Smoked
Burned

Customer: “Yeah, can I get extra butter?”

Coworker:: “Actually the butter is self-serve on the sides of concession. You can help yourself, ma’am.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “WELL IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME I WON’T COME BACK NEXT TIME!”

Coworker:: “Please don’t hurt me!”

Related:
When Customers Attack