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    Bad Grandpa

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Themed Giveaway, Tourists/Travel

    (I am a female cashier and recently turned 21. I have worked at this store since I was 17 and am known for being a bit of a goody-goody with the other staff and regulars. A regular customer and I are discussing how much I would love to travel some day, with him telling me about his experiences.)

    Customer #1: “It isn’t so bad. You just backpack it. Go to a town, get a job for a while, and then move on when you’ve saved up again. And most of Europe speaks English, so it’s not like you have to learn every language along the way. Just a few phrases here and there.”

    Me: “I suppose. I guess I’d just be nervous to do it alone, y’know?”

    Customer #1: “Oh, yeah. The whole girl thing. I suppose you wouldn’t want to travel alone?”

    Me: “Yeah. Hostel horror stories, right?”

    Customer #1: “Well, don’t let it stop you. Find a friend or something. A girl friend, if that helps.”

    Me: “Maybe!”

    Customer #1: “Good luck with that! Next time I’m here, I want to hear you’ve bought a one-way plane ticket!”

    Me: “Hah! Yeah, right. Thanks! Have a great night!”

    (As the first customer heads off, the customer after him steps forward. He is a small, elderly man with a shaved head, round frame glasses, gold chains around his neck, large rings and a Hawaiian shirt. He isn’t a regular and I’ve never seen him before.)

    Customer #2: “I heard you talking about travelling around Europe.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah. It’ll probably never happen, though.”

    Customer #2: “Yes, yes. Travel can be scary.”

    Me: “And expensive. Maybe after I graduate.”

    Customer #2: “Are you eighteen?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer #2: “Are you eighteen? You said after you graduate. High school?”

    Me: “Oh. No. I’m …yeah.”

    Customer #2: “Well. Perfect. You look so young, I wasn’t sure!”

    (He starts writing his name on the back of a business card. The other side has a generic sounding company name in hot pink, with a woman’s first name, phone number and email address.)

    Customer #2: “My friend, [Name On Business Card], can help you out. She makes good money…” *he winks* “…on the internet.”

    Me: “Oh. That’s. Okay. I’ve got a job.”

    (I start checking faster, feeling suddenly very awkward.)

    Customer #2: “No really! It’s very lucrative. Very discrete.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer #2: “You just tell her that [Customer #2] referred you, okay?”

    (He refuses to leave without putting the card in my hand when I give him the receipt. My bagger hands him his items and the customer leaves. The bagger approaches me as I’m tossing the card in the garbage under my register.)

    Bagger: “Dude, did you just get hit on by a sleazy grandpa?”

    Me: “Actually, I think he was soliciting me to make internet porn.”

    Bagger: “… I can’t decide if that’s worse or not.”

    A Listening Ear Can Switch Gear

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Bad Behavior, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a security guard for a company unaffiliated with the business I provide security for. I literally sit in a shack and sign reps from other companies in and out of the complex. I am way over-qualified for this position, but it is perfect for going to school.)

    Me: “Morning, sir. What brings you to [Company]?”

    Customer: “MY DAD DIED TWO YEARS AGO AND THEY WON’T TRANSFER THE OWNERSHIP OF THE BILLS TO ME!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Here is where you have to go.” *gives site name directions and what to do and say*

    Customer: “Ugh! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT I DROVE TWO HOURS TO THIS LOCATION JUST TO BE TOLD THAT I’M WRONG!?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Customer: “WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO CUSTOMER SERVICE IN THE WORLD!? I WANT YOU TO TRANSFER MY BILLS TO ME!”

    Me: “Not my problem, sir. I don’t work for [Company]. I just provide security from customers like you.”

    Customer: “GAH! *slams his sports car into reverse and leaves pretty thick black lines in the concrete* “D*** IT!”

    (Hours later, the guy came back with coffee and some sandwiches, parked in front of the shack, apologized profusely, and told me about recent events: cheating wife, ungrateful daughter, and a recent suicide by his mother. I listened and give him my number and told him to call whenever he needed a friendly ear. He calls once a month.)

    They Made An Unsafe Assumption

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging

    (A guest calls down to the front desk.)

    Guest: “Hi. Yeah, umm. How do I get the microwave in the room working?”

    Me: “Sorry, Mrs. [Name], but we don’t have any microwaves in the room.”

    Guest: “Yes, you do. It’s on the 2nd shelf of the closet, has a digital screen and my frozen pizza in it, but it won’t start.”

    Me: “Madam is this microwave black and with a thick steel door?”

    Guest: “Yes.”

    Me: “That is not a microwave, but the in-room safe, Mrs. [Name].”

    Guest: “Oh!” *obviously embarrassed* “That explains why there was a power outlet on the inside…Thank you.” *click*

    A Customer By Reef-erral

    | Ashford, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Funny Names

    (I’m stacking the shelves when a sweet little old lady approaches.)

    Little Old Lady: “Excuse me. Do you know where I can find some cannabis?”

    Me: “Um?”

    Little Old Lady: “Some cannabis? Do you have any?”

    Me: “I don’t think we do…”

    Little Old Lady: “Oh, such a shame. My friend bought some from here before Christmas and they were gorgeous, especially the fish ones.”

    Me: “Oh, canapés! Yes, we have those. They’re over here.”

    (I show her where they are.)

    Me: “Sorry, madam. I thought you said ‘cannabis!’”

    Little Old Lady: *laughs* “Oh, I don’t need that anymore!”

    Some Customers Are A Pet Hate

    | PA, USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for a specific book to help my children deal with the death of a pet.”

    Me: All right. Can you give me the title or author?

    Caller: “Oh, I don’t remember it. But I’ve purchased copies from your store before. I know you have it!”

    (I search for at least fifteen minutes; using every variant on the phrase ‘death of a pet’ I can think of. The customer alternates between telling me about her poor sick dog, insisting that she’s purchased it here before, and that I really should know about it. Finally, I find the book she wants.)

    Customer: “Thank you! That wasn’t all that hard, now, was it?”

    Me: “All right, ma’am. I’m afraid we do not have this book in the store right now. I’ll happily order you a copy—”

    Customer: “When will it get here?”

    Me: “Three to five business days.”

    Customer: “But she’s being put down tomorrow! I was counting on you!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but this is the best I can do, unless you want to order the book from our website yourself and pay extra for overnight shipping.”

    Customer: “… You know what? Never mind. I’ll just tell the kids she went to live on a farm, and tell them the truth in a few years.” *click*


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