Toiling In The Toilet

| TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

Me: “Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with tonight?”

Customer: “Listen, this is going to be an odd request, but I need you to bring me some toilet paper.”

Me: *already knowing this is a prank call* “I wish I could, sir.”

Customer: “Well, why can’t you?”

Me: “Because I’m not at your house, sir.”

Customer: “No, see, I’m not at my house. I’m in the back.”

Me: “In the back… of one of our stores?”

Customer: “Yes. And there’s no toilet paper back here, so I need you to bring me some.”

Me: “Okay, sir. And which store are you located at?”

Customer: *sighs* “Listen… why are you playing games with me?”

Me: “I’m not, sir. I’m simply asking because the store you are in may not be located in the same place, or the same state, that I’m in.”

Customer: *long pause* “F*** it, I’m just going to use my hand.”  *click*

A New Excuse To Have Baggage

| Grangemouth, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money

(Recently, a new law has come in where all retailers have to charge 5p for a bag. This happens on the first day it becomes law.)

Me: “So, that’s £40 altogether…”

Customer: “Can I get a couple of bags?”

Me: “Yeah, that’ll be another ten pence. Is that okay?”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “No, that isn’t okay! Since when did you lot start charging for bloody bags?!”

(I do my best to not look at the various signs that have been around for a couple of months warning people of the date, doing my best to remain professional.)

Me: “Just today. The law became active today.”

Customer: “Bulls***! This is just another way for you lot to line your pockets!”

Me: “The money goes to charity, though. We don’t—”

Customer: “Save it! I’ll just go to another bloody shop that doesn’t have the f***ing cheek to charge for f***ing bags!”

(He storms off, leaving his shopping, as my manager, who was standing beside me just shrugs.)

Manager: “Where’s he gonna go, England?”

Not-So-Smart TV

| TN, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I work for a popular electronics store. A customer comes in looking for a [Brand #1] TV. Another associate brings up the TV to customer service for me to ring out. She decides to sign up for our store credit-card to get a discount.)

Me: “I’ll just need you to enter you social on the pin pad.”

Customer: “Okay.” *enters social*

Me: “All right, now it’s going to ask for your yearly income.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m not doing that. That’s confidential. I don’t want to do this.”

(Internally I was wondering how her income was confidential, but her social was not. I backed out and proceeded to ring her up. The transaction was finished.)

Customer: “Now, [Brand #1] IS made in Japan, right?”

Me: “Either Japan or China. I’m not positive. But I can find out.”

Customer: “Yeah, find out. I don’t want it if it’s made in China. I need to see on the box that it says made in Japan.”

Coworker: “It says right here: made in China.”

Customer: “I don’t want it.”

Me: “Okay, I can undo the transaction. That’s fine.”

Customer: “Find me one that’s made in America.”

Me: “I doubt that anything we have will be made in America, but I’ll go look.”

(Customer follows me to our home theater department. We find a [Brand #2] that says ‘made in California, U.S., assembled in Mexico.’)

Customer: “I’ll take this one. I guess it’s okay that it’s assembled in Mexico. I mean Mexico is part of the United States. Like New Mexico.”

Me: “Um… Well, actually… Yeah… Anyway, are you sure you want this one? It’s a smart TV, and you told me you don’t have Internet.”

Customer: “Yes, I want this one.”

(I take the TV back to customer service.)

Customer: “So just void that old transaction. I don’t want an exchange. I need it voided for my banking, and you may not be here.”

(No idea what that even means, but I void the transaction and ring up the new TV. My manager overhears her talking about not wanting anything made in China. He proceeds to jump in and tell her that all our TV’s have Chinese parts in them.)

Customer: “Are you serious? Well… the [Brand #2] will still be better right? Since it’s assembled in Mexico, and that’s in the United States.”

Manager: “Uh… well… no.  [Brand #1] is traditionally better.”

Customer: “Well, maybe I’ll get the [Brand #1].”

(My manager, not understanding what he was getting himself into, proceeds to try and sell her on a warranty by explaining that there’s a chip powering these TVs and lightning can destroy them easily, and our plan covers that.)

Customer: “Oh… wow… So what you’re saying is none of these TVs are any good?”

Manager: “No, no, I’m saying any of them can be destroyed. Our plan will cover it as long as it’s not physically damaged.”

Customer: “Oh, lord, no. That wouldn’t happen. I’m single.”

(My manager finally wises up and walks away. I ring up the extra warranty.)

Me: “Okay, now, your phone number again. It was—”

Customer: “Shh! Don’t say it out loud!”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “People are everywhere listening to get your information. I’ll write it down.”

(The customer finally leaves with the [Brand #1] she initially bought. Later that night she calls back.)

Customer: “I’m trying to register my TV, but it wants an email address. I don’t have one. I wanted to see if I could use yours…”

Trying To Copyright The Wrong

| ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(A customer comes to me a wallet sized photo of a baby that was clearly taken in a studio.)

Customer: “Can you enlarge this for me?”

Me: “Oh, was this taken by a professional?”

Customer: “Yes, of cour— No. No, it wasn’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Unfortunately, without written permission from the photographer, I can’t copy it.”

Customer: “I don’t care about copyright.”

Me: “I do. Company policy says that we can’t copy any professional photos.”

Customer: “No, it wasn’t professional. The mother took it. Can you just show me how to do it in self-serve?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it looks professional, so I can’t assist you with it.”

Customer: “It’s not professional!”

Me: “It looks professional to me, so unfortunately, I can’t copy it.”

Customer: “Are you serious?”

Me: “Yes. I’m serious.”

Customer: *rudely* “Fine. Are you working tomorrow?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “UGH! Fine, I’ll just buy this then.”

(I meet her at the register to ring up her item.)

Customer: *in a snotty, ‘I’m better than you’ tone* “Life is too short to follow the rules.”

Me: “It’s also too short to get fired.”

Drive Through Democracy

, | TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Politics

(A customer pulls up to my window, and he looks extremely similar to Bill Clinton.)

Me: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Bill Clinton?”

Customer: “I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!”

(The customer then proceeded, in full Clinton style, to light up a joint at my drive-through window.)

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