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    All I Want For Christmas Is You

    | Toronto, Ontario, Canada |

    (I am working at a gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Since it is Christmas time, there are a lot of security guards around. A couple of security guards walk by the gift-wrap booth, eyeing the price list.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Female security guard: “Excuse me, how much would it be to wrap him up?” *points at one of the other security guards*

    You Must Be Smoking

    | BC, Canada | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I work in a 100% non-smoking hotel. A lady and her son check in. Ten minutes later, she storms down, son in tow.)

    Lady: “You said we had a non-smoking room! My room smells like smoke.”

    Me: “I assure you, ma’am, that we are a 100% non-smoking hotel. However, it is possible that someone illegally smoked in your room. I would be happy to change you to a different room if you prefer.”

    Lady: “No! We are already unpacked, and it is too much hassle. But my son has lung cancer and he gets very sick if he is anywhere near smoke. You need to discount our room.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not going to discount your room for you. As I mentioned before, I would be happy to help you change rooms into something more satisfactory. We don’t want your son to get sick from the room smell.”

    Lady: *shouting* “I want a free room! You’re going to kill my son!”

    (At this point, my manager comes out and reiterates that we would be happy to move their room, but would not be discounting their stay. The lady leaves in a huff. The next day, I see her outside smoking; her son is sitting forlornly 3 feet away.)

    Crushes Ice, Fruits, And Souls

    | Apopka, FL, USA | Family & Kids

    (I work in a retail home store. A mother walks past with her young child. The child is trying to get the mother’s attention by pointing out neat appliances.)

    Girl: “Mommy! Look at this blender thingy! It’s so cool! Look at what it does!”

    Me: “Sorry, dear. The picture on the box is just showing different things it can make using the same machine. It can’t actually mix both cookie dough and slurpees in the same canister.”

    (The child contemplates this for a moment as the mother walks by obliviously. She gets a look on her face as though I have completely crushed her only existence for living. She slinks away after her family, jaded from her new knowledge, to another part of the store and I don’t see them again for the rest of the evening.)

    The World Would Run Out Of Helium

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    (A customer has just finished purchasing tickets to Alvin and the Chipmunks 3.)

    Customer: “Is this a movie or a live performance?”

    Something For Nothing Or Nothing For Something, Part 2

    , | Chicago, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Top

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like a refund on [membership]. I never used it.”

    Me: “No problem! Actually, I’m looking at your account here and it looks like you tried to buy it, but at the time, your credit card failed and so you never actually purchased it.”

    Customer: “But I don’t have it.”

    Me: “I know. It looks like you never bought it in the first place. I’m sorry about that.”

    Customer: “But I don’t have it and I was never able to use it. So you’re not going to refund me?”

    Me: “I can’t–”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me!”

    Me: “I can’t refund you because you didn’t buy anything.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Just put the money back on my card!”

    Me: “I can’t put money back on your card because we never took any off.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me! This is terrible customer service.”

    Me: “Sir, you never bought anything. How can I give you back money we never took from you? Where would the money come from?”

    Customer: “Just give it to me! Why is this so hard?”

    Me: “Okay, can you look at your credit card and tell me the exact date that we charged you? If it turns out that your records are more correct than mine, I’m happy to refund you.”

    Customer: “No! I’m not going to do that! Why should I check my credit card statement!?”

    Me: “According to our records, you never bought anything. I can’t give you back money that you didn’t spend. If our records are wrong, I can refund you.”

    Customer: “I’m not going to check anything! This is the worst customer service experience I have ever had! I can’t believe you’re giving me such a hard time over such a small amount of money!”

    Me: “Actually, I’m giving you such a hard time over no money because you never bought anything.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager!”

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    Something For Nothing Or Nothing For Something

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