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    Enough To Make You See Stars

    | London, England, UK | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Is e-mail internet”?

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Caller: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet. Can I still read my e-mail?”

    Me: “Well, yes. You must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

    Caller: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

    Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up your browser for me, and tell me what you see?”

    Caller: “Open what?”

    Me: “Your browser…can you open up your browser?”

    Caller: “My…my…what?”

    Me: “It’s what you click on when you want to browse the internet.”

    Caller: “I don’t use anything. I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”

    Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”

    Caller: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?”

    Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”

    Caller: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”

    Caller: “My what?”

    Me: “The little box with green or, possibly, a couple of red lights on it right now. It’s most likely near your computer?”

    Caller: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights. Just get my e-mail for me.”

    Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”

    Caller: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”

    Me: “An error message?”

    Caller: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”

    Me: “Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Move it for me.”

    Caller: “Move it?”

    Me: “Yes. Move it.”

    Caller: “My e-mail!”

    Hello, This Is Mr. Bobcalling

    | MD, USA |

    Me: “Hello, you’ve reached [store]. This is Liz speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, Lizspeaking. Do you have this in stock?”

    (I have no idea how to gently correct him, so I let it be and put the item he wants on hold. He then comes in later to pick up his item and approaches my coworker.)

    Customer: “Are you Ms. Lizspeaking?”

    Coworker: “What?”

    Doesn’t Have The Drive To Succeed

    , | Melbourne, Australia |

    Me: “Just drive around to the next window and your order will be ready there.”

    Customer: *looks worried* “Where is the next window?”

    Me: “Just around the corner.”

    Customer: “But I can’t see it.”

    Me: “That’s because it’s around the corner. Drive around the corner and you will.”

    Customer: “I hope I don’t get lost!”

    Not Economically Gifted

    | PA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: “Do you sell gift cards that can be used anywhere?”

    Me: “Do you mean something like a gift card that can be used in a certain mall?”

    Customer: “No. Gift cards that can be used wherever someone wants to use them.”

    Me: “Do you mean money?”

    Customer: “Yes. Just like money…only a gift card.”

    Pray It’s To Put The Brain Back In

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA |

    (We only have access to credit cards in the credit card department. The credit union is closed.)

    Caller: “I need to pay my auto loan.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you have reached the credit card department. I would be more than happy to provide you the number for the branch. They can help you tomorrow morning with your loan payment.”

    Caller: “I’m having surgery tomorrow. Take my payment.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having surgery. You can speak to the branch when you get out to make a payment to your auto loan.”

    Caller: “I’m donating a kidney to my mother. I can’t call for three weeks.”

    (I had a friend donate a kidney. They were not walking around well for two to three weeks, but they could talk the same day.)

    Me: “Well, I have good new for you, sir. You should be able to talk in a day or two after surgery so you can speak to the branch.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m having brain surgery. I won’t be able to talk for 3 weeks.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Caller: “Have the branch call me back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…I thought you just said you would not be able to speak for 3 weeks. I’m unsure how the branch calling you would be different than you calling them.”

    Caller: “I can nod at the phone and let them know it’s me, and pass the phone to my mother…”

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