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    A Glitch In The Matrix

    | Somerville, MA, USA | At The Checkout

    Customer: “This is such a nice store you have here!”

    Me: “Why, thank you. We do our best to keep it neat.”

    (The customer places one of our reusable bags on the counter to purchase it. The bag she is holding has my store’s name on it, along with motifs associated with our name.)

    Customer: “These bags remind me so much of [my store's name].”

    Me: “That’s because—”

    Customer: “These bags are so cute, too! I wish I could get one from [my store's name]…”


    | Nebraska, USA | Technology

    (Note: I’m doing tech support for a college professor.)

    Me: “Can I have you look at the lights on the modem?”

    Professor: “Yep, looking now.”

    (There’s a lengthy pause while I wait for him to look. After he doesn’t say anything for awhile, I decide to ask.)

    Me: “So, what are they doing?”

    Professor: “Oh! Let me go look…”

    (This goes on for another 15 minutes, where he doesn’t answer a single question I ask. I eventually manage to get him to plug a ethernet cable in, but it is still saying a cable is unplugged. He still will not not listen to me and goes on doing his own thing. Five minutes later…)

    Me: “What port is the ethernet cable plugged into?”

    Professor: “The only one it goes into.”

    Me: “And what is the other end plugged into?”

    Professor: “The computer…”

    Me: “And the other end?”

    Professor: “Well, it’s not plugged into anything.”

    (I try to keep my calm, despite being exasperated.)

    Me: “Can you plug that into the modem please?”

    Professor: “Well, now it works. So what did we do?”

    Me: “We plugged it in…”

    Sweets From A Sweetie

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Top

    (It is my 18th birthday. My manager has tied a “Happy Birthday” balloon to my register. One customer is asking about it.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is this?”

    Me: “Well, sir, it’s my birthday.”

    Customer: “Your birthday?! As in, the day you were born?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir!”

    Customer: *grabs a fist full of candy bars to add to his purchases* “These are for you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

    No Good Deed Goes Unthreatened

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I am working for a non-profit charity. It’s right before Christmas and we’re calling our prior donors to wish them a happy holiday season and to thank them for their support.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] calling from [organization]. We’re contacting our prior—”

    Donor: “Don’t call this number, lady! Don’t you ever call this number again! I’ll find out where you live, drag you out of bed, and dump cold water on you. You understand? Do not ever call this number, you dumb b****!” *click*

    A Measure Of Intelligence

    , | AB, Canada |

    (A customer has been wandering around our store for 1-2 hours. Finally, they come up to the front.)

    Customer: “I wish you had tiled floors.”

    Coworker: *confused* “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I wish you had tiled floors.”

    Me: “Why’s that?”

    Customer: “So I would be able to tell how big your furniture is.”

    Coworker: “Well, we have a tape measure you can use. Would you like to borrow it?”

    Customer: “Well, I guess that would work…”

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