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    I Meant What I Said And I Said What I Meant

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “What can I get you, sir?”

    Customer #1: “Um, I’d like a quickie.”

    Me: *offended* “EXCUSE ME?”

    Customer#1: “A quickie!” *licks his lips*

    (Offended, I skip him and serve the next table.)

    Customer #2: *apparently having overheard* “I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

    Me, to customer #1: “Oh! You meant quiche?”

    Customer #1: “No!”

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    Four, Five, And Whatever Comes After Six

    | West Byfleet, UK | Technology

    (I’ve been hired by a software company to phone up their customers and get feedback on their help desk service.)

    Me: “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being ‘poor’ and 10 being ‘excellent’, how would you rate the overall service of the help desk?”

    Customer: “Phew…I’m not sure. I mean, it’s really good.”

    Me: “I understand it’s a tricky question, but if you had to put a number to it?”

    Customer: “Well, I mean, it’s sort of in between a 8 and a 10, really.”

    Me: “So, a 9?”

    Customer: “Well, I suppose so.”

    Go Beep Yourself

    | Texas, USA | At The Checkout

    (We are having a sale where if you buy any one of a certain set of DVDs or CDs you get a music sampler for free. The customer I’m ringing up has one such item. I grab the music sampler, explain that she gets it for free today, scan it, and place it in her bag.)

    Customer: “Hold on! That isn’t free! You scanned it. You scanned it and your computer went beep! You’re charging me for it!”

    Me: “We have to scan the free items so that we can keep track of our inventory, but it rings up as zero.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me! It went beep! Take it off! I don’t want it if you’re going to charge me!”

    (I turn my computer screen around so that she can see it and point to the title of the music sampler and its price.)

    Me: “See? It rang up zero. I just have to scan it so that we can keep track if how many we sell.”

    Customer: “But it beeped! You b****, don’t lie to me! That’s unchristian! I’m never shopping at this store again!”

    (She snatches up her keys and stomps out of the store without buying anything.)

    Coffee As Hot As Your Temper

    | Wyoming, USA | Food & Drink

    (The customer orders a latte at 190 degrees.)

    Me: “Here is your latte at 190 degrees.”

    Customer: “Holy crap! Why is this so hot?”

    Me: “Well, we normally make our drinks at 160 degrees.”

    Customer: “But I asked for 190 degrees.”

    Me: “Right. I made it at 190 degrees. Would you like me to remake it at a cooler temperature?”

    Customer: “Well, I DID ask for it to be 190 degrees NOT 160 degrees.”

    Me: “Ma’am, a 190 degree latte is hotter than a 160 degree latte. Can I remake it for you at a cooler temperature?”

    Customer: “No, I asked for 190 degrees! It’s too hot!”

    Me: “Ma’am,I did make it at 190 degrees. That’s thirty degrees hotter than our normal temperature.”

    Customer: “Whatever, can I just get a cup sleeve?”

    Me: “There’s already a cup sleeve on it…only one will fit–”

    Customer: “Just give me another sleeve.”

    (I give her the other cup sleeve. She tries to slip it on, gets annoyed when she fails, and throws the sleeve across our counter.)

    Customer: “Cheap labor is so useless!” *storms off*

    Right State, Wrong Situation

    | USA | Musical Mayhem

    (I volunteer at a theater where a lot of Broadway national tours come through. The show “Jersey Boys” is at the theater for a few weeks. Also, there is a symphony going on at the other theater in the building. I’m taking tickets for Jersey Boys when an elderly patron approaches me.)

    Me: “Are you here for the symphony or the musical?”

    Patron: “Yeah, uh, Jersey Shore?”

    Me: “Do you mean Jersey Boys?”

    Patron: “Yeah, that one.”

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