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    Death (And Dimensions) By Chocolate

    | Scotland, UK |

    Me: “As two of the sides of the parcel are the same size, may I ask if it is a cylindrical item?”

    Customer: “No, it’s shaped like a toblerone. Or a coffin…”

    GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 2

    , | IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [electronics store]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Well, here’s the thing. My husband and I are coming to you to return our GPS. It’s broken.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. So what is the problem?”

    Customer: “We weren’t sure where you are located, so we plugged the address into our GPS, and now we’re lost.”

    Me: ”Was this the same GPS that you were coming to return?!”

    Customer: “Yes, but we figured since we brought it to you, it would at least know how to find you.”

    GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity

    There Is No App For That

    | Canterbury, England, UK |

    Me: “Thank you for calling reception. How may I help?”

    Guest: *in heavily accented English* “The phone is not working!”

    Me: “I beg your pardon, sir, but the phone does seem to be working as you are calling me on it.”

    Guest: “No! The phone is not working!”

    Me: “The phone is definitely working sir. If you would like an outside line, dial 9.”

    (I hear button being pressed.)

    Me: “No, not when you’re on the phone to me. You need to hang up and then press 9.”

    Guest: “Wait, I’ll get my wife.”

    (There’s a brief pause. His wife gets on the phone.)

    Wife: “The phone is not working!”

    Me: “The phone is working, madam. You need to hang up, then pick up again and press 9.”

    Wife: “But the phone is not working!”

    Me: “Did you try the international dialling code?”

    Wife: “No! The phone is not working–and my hair is wet!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Wife: “The hair-phone! The hair-phone is not working!”

    Me: “Do you mean hairdryer?”

    Wife: “Yes! The hairdryer is not working!”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll send someone up.”

    Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 2

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Top

    (I have albinism, so I have very pale skin, white hair, and red irises.)

    Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Are…are you a vampire?”

    Me: “Well, my dad is half-vampire.” *laughing*

    Customer: “Please, don’t bite me.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to bite you.”

    Customer: “Don’t put any blood in my food either. I don’t want to be a vampire.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to put blood in your food. I’m not a vampire. We serve regular food here.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager.”

    (I go and get my manager, and fill him in on what’s going on.)

    Customer, to my manager: “Is your vampire waitress going to bite me?”

    Manager: “Only if you don’t tip her well.”

    (The woman looks completely horrified, but finally ends up ordering and leaving me a 21% tip.)

    Less Twilight, More Daylight

    Answer Pwned

    | Worcester, England, UK |

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hello, I’ve got an answer phone message from you saying my boiler engineer appointment is today. I accidentally deleted the message. Does that mean he’s not coming?”

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