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    Incheon Further Away From The Answer, Part 3

    | New Bedford, MA, USA | Bigotry

    (I work in a gas station in a predominately Hispanic and Portuguese neighborhood. I am half Korean and half European (mostly from Germanic countries), and I don’t speak a lick of Spanish or Portuguese.)

    Hispanic Customer: *walks in and starts speaking to me in Spanish*

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Hispanic Customer: *looks annoyed and keeps speaking in Spanish*

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t speak—”

    (At this point, the customer becomes irate and begins yelling at me, first in Spanish, and then in English.)

    Hispanic Customer: “Stupid b****! Don’t tell me you don’t speak no Spanish when you’re f****** Puerto Rican, stupid c***. Who the—”

    Me: “I’m not Spanish.”

    Hispanic Customer: *suddenly becomes meek* “Oh. You’re not?”

    Me: “Not even close.”

    Hispanic Customer: *blushes and mumbles* “Sorry. Could I use your bathroom?”

    Me: “It’s right down that hall, sir.”

    (He bolts into the bathroom, does his business, and runs out of the store looking embarrassed. At this point, my boss walks out of the office.)

    Boss: “You don’t even look f***ing Spanish!”

    Related:
    Incheon Further Away From The Answer, Part 2

    Toy Glory

    | MD, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am assistant manager at an adult novelty item store. Two teenage girls approach the counter giggling to themselves. They sheepishly each place a particular kind of adult novelty item on the counter.)

    Me: “Would you ladies also require batteries for your items?”

    Girl #1: “Oh, these don’t come with batteries?”

    Me: “No, it’s typically how the manufacturers of these products save money on production.”

    Girl #1: *giggles* “No, thank you. I’m buying this for a friend.”

    Girl #2: “Yes, me too. I’m also buying this for a friend. She won’t need batteries.”

    (I conclude the purchase with the embarrassed young ladies and begin to assist the next customer, a woman in her late 20s/early 30s.)

    Woman: “Yes, I will be needing batteries because I’m buying this for me!”

    Me: “Can I please shake your hand?”

    Mama Puts A Stammer In Your Swagger

    | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m up working the cash register on a slow day, when a teenage boy comes up. He looks to be about 14. He’s sagging his pants, trying to look tough.)

    Customer: “Hey, baby.”

    Me: “Hi there, sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: *leans on the counter* “You can get me your number.”

    (I’m 25, and engaged.)

    Me: “Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. Can I help you with anything else?”

    Customer: “Why the f*** not, you stupid b****?!”

    Me: “One: That would be illegal. Two: I am happily engaged. And three: even if I ignore the first two, it’s against company policy.”

    Customer: “You’re a f***ing b****! You should be happy I want a piece of your a**!”

    (As the customer continues ranting and raving, a woman appears behind him. She reaches out and taps his shoulder twice.)

    Customer: “What the f*** do you want—”

    (He turns around. All the color drains from his face. He manages to squeak out some words.)

    Customer: “Hi, mama.”

    (She smacks him across the face.)

    Customer’s Mom: “I did not raise you to be a self-entitled douche-bag! I did not raise you to think you are better than this poor girl!” *she grabs him by the ear, and shoves him against the counter, facing me* “Now, apologize!”

    Customer: “But mom!”

    Customer’s Mom: “Now!”

    (He looks close to tears. He mumbles out how sorry he is, and how it wasn’t fair of him to treat me like a piece of meat. His mom, by his ear, pushes him towards the door.)

    Customer’s Mom: “Go.”

    (He walks out of the store, ready to cry. She turns to me, gives me a huge smile, apologizes again, and even buys me a gift card. Apparently there are some good parents still out there!)

    Don’t Mess With A Browncoat

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Top

    (I work in a movie/TV memorabilia store. Most of the stock is sci-fi related. A boy approaches my station.)

    Boy: “Excuse me, you sell stuff like Klingon to English dictionaries, right?”

    Me: “We surely do. There’s two in stock at the moment.”

    Boy: “Okay, so then do you have a dictionary for Firefly to English? I’m like, obsessed with it… I’d like to know what the people are saying when they speak the space language, so I can say I know everything!”

    Me: “Oh, it’s not actually a made-up language. They’re speaking Chinese.”

    Customer: “Eh? They are not. It’s a space language. It’s set way in the future and everyone lives in space. Have you never seen it?”

    Me: “I have indeed. I’m a big fan. I assure you they speak Chinese.”

    (The boy looks surprised and then laughs loudly at me.)

    Boy: “You’re a lassie. Isn’t Firefly more for guys? There’s loads of fighting and stuff. You can’t know that much about it. Why the h*** would space-folk speak Chinese, then?”

    (I pull my keys from my pocket, from which dangles my Serenity spaceship key-ring.)

    Me: “I also own the DVD box-set, the graphic novels, cast posters, 2 t-shirts and several other bits and pieces. I’ve even met Jewel Staite. The characters speak Chinese sometimes because after the war, America and China were the only remaining large power countries, who came together to form The Alliance. The culture-fusion resulted in a mixture of both English and Chinese being the commonly spoken tongues.”

    Boy: “You just made that up. You don’t even know. I know far more than you. Who’s Jewel Staite supposed to be, then?”

    Me: “She’s the actress who plays Kaylee!”

    (A second customer in line who has been listening with interest suddenly pipes up.)

    Customer #2: “I thought you knew everything about the show? Quit being such a tool and let me pay for my stuff already.”

    Boy: “But I just want a Firefly dictionary! This stupid cow won’t help me!”

    Customer #2: “You’ll find a Chinese to English dictionary in any big bookshop. Now if you’ll leave the poor lassie alone, you gorram a**, that’d be shiny!”

    (I can’t help but laugh and the boy flips us both off, then storms out, kicking a display as he goes. I smile at the second customer.)

    Me: “Thanks for that, mate. Always nice to get back-up from a fellow fan.”

    Customer #2: “No problem. That boy was a total sha gua.”

    (I gave the customer a free Firefly keyring like mine for that. Note: ‘sha gua’ is Chinese for ‘fool’.)

    It’s Not Her Calling

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

    (I am working when my phone rings. I pick it up on the second ring.)

    Me: “[Call center]. Mary speaking.”

    Caller: “Why did you call me?”

    Me: “…pardon, ma’am?”

    Caller: “WHY. DID. YOU. CALL. ME?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I just answered the phone. You called me. Can I—”

    Caller: “No, I didn’t! I just picked up my phone and you were talking!”

    Me: “My phone rung and I answered it, ma’am. Is there anything that I can help you with?”

    Caller: “No! I don’t know you! Who are you?!”

    Me: “This is Mary from [call center].”

    Caller: “No! No! I don’t know any Mary and I don’t know any [call center]. Why did you call me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I did not call you. Were you intending to call someone else?”

    Caller: “I didn’t call anyone! You called me! I’m done with you!” *click*

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