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    Cheap Like White On Rice

    | Minnesota, USA | Food & Drink

    (We have a customer who comes in and complains every single time to try and get his meal for free. I have seen him in action so I know to be cautious, but alas, he complains anyway.)

    Customer: “What’s wrong with this rice?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you mean, sir–”

    Customer: “It’s too light in color!”

    Me: “Does it taste bad?”

    Customer: “No, but it’s too light! It’s usually darker!”

    Me: “That means it’s fresh, sir. It just came out. The longer it sits, the darker it gets.”

    Customer: “This is bulls***!”

    (The rice was sampled and seen to be in excellent quality, but he continued claiming it was BS until he had to be escorted out.)

    Pray The Gay To Stay

    | Melbourne, Australia | Family & Kids, Top

    (We run a number of programs to help parents of children with special needs, so they can access services. We occasionally also give out parenting advice.)

    Caller: “Can you tell me what makes someone gay?”

    Me: “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

    Caller: “Gay. What makes someone gay?”

    Me: “Ma’am, if your child is gay, nothing ‘made’ them gay. And being gay is certainly not a disability.”

    Caller: “Of course it’s not a disability! What kind of disgusting person thinks being gay is a disability?”

    Me: “Then why do you want to know what makes someone gay?”

    Caller: “I want to make my son gay. I would love to have a gay child. I’m very open minded!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t make someone gay. If your son is straight, you can’t change that.”

    Caller: “Well, I see on the news all the time about how single parent families have gay kids. I am a single mother, but I still don’t think he’s gay.”

    Me: “Um–”

    Caller: “Should I show him pictures of gay men having sex?”

    Me: *stunned* “Um…I doubt that’s a good idea. You would just confuse him, and possibly scare him. Can I ask how old your son is?”

    Caller: “He’s three. I want him to be gay before he goes to school. So if gay porn would scare him, should I show him straight porn? I really really want a gay son.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you cannot show a 3 year old porn of any kind! You can’t control your son’s sexuality!”

    Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m very open minded! You must just be homophobic.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m gay!”

    Caller: “Then why won’t you help me? Don’t you want my son to be gay? He’d be such a good gay man!”

    Self Serve And Self Deserved

    | Ohio, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at an all-you-can-eat buffet. My job is to bring drinks to the table and take away the dirty plates.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant name]! I’ll go ahead and get your drinks. The buffet is ready when you are.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    (I bring their drinks to the table and see that they are still there and have not gotten up to get their plates. I go about my business. About 10 minutes later, I see they are still sitting at their table with no food in front of them.)

    Me: “Are you waiting on someone?”

    Customer: “There you are! We’re starving! I’ll start off with chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes.”

    Me: “Okay, well, the buffet is over there and you can help yourself.”

    Customer: “You mean we have to get it ourselves?”

    Customer #2: “Can’t you get our food for us?”

    Me: “Are you disabled?”

    Customer: “No, we’re not.”

    Me: “The buffet is self-serve. The plates are up at the buffet.”

    (Needless to say, I didn’t get a tip.)

    Signs Our Educational System Is Going South

    | Tel Aviv, Israel | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Thank you, have a nice day.”

    Customer: “That’s an interesting accent. Where are you from?”

    Me: “South Africa.”

    Customer: “Where’s that?”

    Me: “In Africa.”

    Customer: “Where’s Africa?”

    We Call Them Magic Voice Boxes

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Technology

    (A customer comes in to return a phone she bought in June. Our store has a strict 30 day return policy on electronics and it is now September. I explain this to the customer and she leaves, only to return a few minutes later.)

    Customer: “You said it was 30 days for electronics, but this is a phone.”

    Me: “A phone is an electronic device.”

    Customer: “Really? I didn’t know that.”

    Me: “The policy is actually for all items from the electronics department. Even a TV stand would have a 30 day return period.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.” *walks away shaking head* “I didn’t know phones were electronic.”


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