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    The Window To The World Wide Nothing

    | Sweden | Technology

    (One of our users calls me. She is having problems logging on to her web mail.)

    Me: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I can’t get into my e-mail!”

    Me: “What browser are you using?”

    Customer: “The Internet.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, when you look at the Internet you are watching it through a window. What is written on the top border of that window?”

    Customer: “No! I am not looking at a window! I am looking at the internet!”

    AA: Angry Alcoholics

    | Burlington, VT, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Hello, ladies! How are you today? May I get you something to drink?”

    Customer: “No, nothing to drink. I don’t drink. Just a sweet tea, please.”

    Me: “Our iced tea is unsweetened. I can bring sugar with it, or if you like, we can make you an Arnold Palmer–”

    Customer: *angrily* “I told you I don’t drink!”

    Me: “Ma’am, an Arnold Palmer is iced tea mixed with lemonade.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’ll try that!”

    Worldly Spiritualism, Earthly Needs

    | Kansas, USA | Bizarre

    (I have been helping a 50-60 year old woman find a specific type of pen.)

    Customer: “You know why I came to this [store]? I came here because of your energy. I am your guardian angel.”

    Me: “Oh…um, okay.”

    Customer: “I sense great things from you. You are a fifth level Warrior goddess.”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    Customer: “I’m serious! You are Cleopatra reincarnate. Prince Albert reincarnate. Queen Elizabeth, the good one. You have an amazing energy!”

    Me: “That’s pretty awesome.”

    Customer: “You are a warrior goddess! Since I am your guardian, I can give you guidance, is there anything you want to know?

    Me: “I’m really okay.”

    (She then takes her Native American style beaded necklace and puts it on my forehead.)

    Customer: “You are now blessed!”

    Me: “Thank you. Do you need anything else?”

    Customer: “Where are the padlocks?”

    Monolingual Morons

    | Cape Cod, MA, USA |

    (Our line has signs marked enter and exit in both English and Spanish. A elderly gentleman is waiting at the exit sign while a line forms at the enter sign.)

    Me: “Sir, I would be happy to help you, but you will need to get in line by the “enter” sign.”

    Customer: “How would I know where that is? I don’t speak Spanish.”

    Me: “Yes, but the sign is in English and Spanish and the English word is on top.”

    Customer: “But I can’t read this sign. It’s in Spanish.”

    Me: “And English.”

    Customer: “I don’t read Spanish!”

    Pan-bi-a-trans-homo-heterosexual

    | Minnesota, USA | Math & Science

    (I have been helping a customer find an apple tree he wants to give as a gift.)

    Me: “Just so you’re aware, if the person you’re buying this for doesn’t have another apple tree, or there isn’t one close by, this tree isn’t going to produce any fruit.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, apple trees only produce fruit through cross-pollination.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “Well, the simplest way for me to explain is: People are unable to reproduce with themselves, right?”

    Customer: “So, is this tree male or female?”

    Me: “Well, apple trees are asexual.”

    Customer: “So, it’s gay?!”


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