Featured Story:
  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
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  • Putting The X Into Xmas

    | Australia | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem

    (I work at a small town airport where, every year, we have a small talent contest. Although I do usually work at the flights desk, I am on talent duty, announcing all contestants. The prize for winning the contest is a flight to a destination of your choice within Australia.)

    Me: “Thank you to Waldo the Wizard for showing us his amazing magic tricks. Now, for our last act, we have The Anonymous Singer!”

    (Claps of applause.)

    Anonymous Singer: *pompous* “Thank you very much. I will be singing my own person version of Jingle Bells.”

    (The anonymous singer proceeds to sing a very crude and racist version of ‘Jingle Bells’, leaving the audience and I in stunned silence.)

    Anonymous Singer: “Well? I demand my prize!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I am disqualifying you for the use crude language.”

    Anonymous Singer: “I demand a flight to New York to show off my talent!”

    Me: “I cannot allow you to be in this airport. I must ask you to leave.”

    (He begins to sing the song again when an audience member stops him.)

    Audience Member: “Right, you’re coming with me!”

    (The audience member is about 6 foot, and looks like a body builder. He literally picks up the anonymous singer and carries her away.)

    Anonymous Singer: *screaming* “I’m never coming back! You will never hear my talented voice ever again!”

    Me: “Thank God for that!”

    Better Make It A Double

    | Ipswich, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Top, Underaged

    (I am working in a pub, and my sister, my identical twin, has come in to say hello during a busy period. She has queued, and I have served her an alcoholic drink. I am just handing it over when this conversation starts.)

    Customer: “You didn’t check the ID of this girl. She doesn’t look old enough to drink. I demand you check her ID!”

    Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I can assure you that she is old enough to drink.”

    Customer: “She is only about 12! She is nowhere old enough to drink. I will call the police if you do not check her ID!”

    Me: “Sir, she is old enough to drink. She is my sister, and I can assure you that she is 20 years old.”

    Customer: “If you won’t check her ID, I am going to call the police!”

    (The customer takes his phone out and makes a show of dialing. My sister looks embarrassed, but pays for her drink, shows me her driving license as she does look young, and takes a seat at the bar.)

    Me: “See? My sister is old enough to drink.”

    Customer: “No! You’re breaking the law!” *to everyone around us* “She’s breaking the law!”

    (Hearing the commotion, security comes.)

    Security: “What is the trouble, sir?”

    Customer: “That girl has served a drink to an underage customer! She used a fake ID; I saw her!”

    Security: “Sir, can’t you see the resemblance? The girl serving you is the identical twin of this customer. If she is old enough to serve you drinks, her twin is old enough to drink, too.”

    Customer: *muttering* “Well… she doesn’t look as old as she does!” *leaves*

    Nothing’s Gonna Save His Sole

    | VA, USA | Religion, Rude & Risque

    (I work at a religious call center that takes prayer requests for the people who call in. It’s late on Sunday night.)

    Caller: “Hi, I want prayer.”

    Me: “Certainly, sir. What can I pray for you?”

    Caller: “Are you wearing shoes?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am wearing shoes. What can I pray for you?”

    Caller: “Can you take your shoes off?”

    Me: “No, sir, we have a dress code. I can’t take my shoes off. ”

    Caller: “Are you wearing high heels?”

    Me: “No, sir. What can I pray for you?”

    Caller: “What shoes are you wearing?” *in rapid succession* “Sandals, sling backs, sneakers, flip flops—”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t talk about my shoes with you.”

    Caller: *click*

    When Customers Finally See The Light(ning)

    | Manitoba, Canada | Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (It’s pouring rain and lightning has struck a nearby tower at our water park. We’ve therefore closed for safety and have evacuated all the guests. A woman of about 40 walks up to the gate while I’m ushering my fellow employees out of the park.)

    Customer: “I’d like a ticket, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we’re closed right now due to inclement weather.”

    Customer: “But I came here to use the water slides!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it’s not safe right now. Lightning could strike one of the structures at any moment.”

    Customer: “Sell me a ticket!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I cannot do that. We cannot allow you to enter the park during extreme weather.”

    (Suddenly, the woman HITS me in the face with her beach bag and runs into the park. Two of the burly male lifeguards run after her and drag her back to safety just as lightning strikes our tallest water slide structure. There are very dramatic sparks and fire. The woman screams, turns, and starts running from the park. On her way out, she picks up her beach bag, hits me in the face AGAIN, and runs to her car. She got away.)

    This Round He Lost (In Translation)

    | New York, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Language & Words, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m from the UK and have a surprisingly posh accent. Whilst studying in America, I’ve become somewhat competent in several languages including French, German, Mandarin and Welsh. A rather rude customer arrives at my checkout where I work and has been openly mocking my colleagues during his time in the store.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, sir. How might I be of service?”

    Customer: “Oh, look! This one reckons he’s some posh c***.”

    Me: *ignoring the remark and still smiling* “Can a scan through those items for you?”

    (The customer drops the basket on one of my hands, laughing as I wince in pain.)

    Customer: “You’re all a bunch of failures and drop-outs. Bet you barely even know English properly.”

    Me: “Sir, I was born in Manchester, England.”

    Customer: “Whatever, you fake c***.”

    (At this point the customer begins to swear slowly, and with a smile on his face, in French and German)

    Customer: “See, I’ve got a real education. I speak two different languages fluently and I’m not stuck in some dead end s***-hole.”

    (I finish scanning through his items, and he pays with cash.)

    Me: *flawless French* “My pardon, sir, but you’re short 50 cents.” switching to German* “Do you have correct change?” *switching to Welsh* “If not you may need to return some of these items or pay using a different method.”

    (The customer stares blankly for a few seconds, he then demands I repeat myself. I do, this time in English explaining that I’m translating the French, German and Welsh I just spoke. Once he seems to understand this, he sheepishly pays via debit and rushes off, nearly forgetting his bag.)

    Me: *in French again* “Sir, don’t forget your purchase!”

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