No Returns On The Returns

| Cleveland, OH, USA | Money

(It is tax season and our office is extremely busy. My boss meets with a very talkative client, his wife and their bored toddler late on the weekend in our office. It takes several hours to complete their tax return forms, but the family finally leaves with smiles. They seem very pleased with our work. The next morning we get an irate phone call.)

Client: “I am unhappy with the return you have provided me, and I want a refund!”

Boss: “Sir, I’m sorry to hear you aren’t satisfied; what is the problem?”

Client: “It cost too much!”

Boss: “I’m sorry; I don’t understand. When you were here, I went over all the fees with you. You agreed to us doing more work, and filing additional forms. You received $3,800 more in tax refunds, correct?”

Client: “Yes, that is correct.”

Boss: “And you only paid $300 extra to get that additional $3,800 refund. You are coming out ahead $3,500, correct?”

Client: “Yes, that is correct.”

Boss: “Then I don’t understand what the problem is.”

Client: “The problem is, I went home and did my return online. It cost a great deal less. I do not need your return anymore, and I am wanting a refund!”

Boss: “Excuse me?”

Client: “Yes, it was very easy to do.”

(My boss is livid, but is trying to stay calm and professional.)

Boss: “It was easy because I did all the research and work. I explained everything to you, and you had a copy of the return I had completed with you. I’m sorry; the return has already been filed with the government and we can’t pull it back, so we cannot give you a refund.”

Client: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! You have a satisfaction guarantee! I am not satisfied and I DEMAND A REFUND!”

Boss: “Sir, you were perfectly satisfied with our product. What you are saying is like going to a restaurant and happily eating, going home, cooking dinner and eating again, and then demanding that the restaurant give you a refund because your cooking was cheaper! We will not refund your money!”

(Several months later, we receive notice that the client is being audited by the IRS for making false statements on his return. We also find out that the past year he has filed illegally and received a tax return for several thousand dollars that he did not earn. If he is found guilty, he will be severely fined, and possibly jailed.)

Service To Swear By

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I am waiting on a table being used by a family: a mother, two teenagers, and one younger son. I am taking the order from the mother; everyone else has given their order.)

Me: “…and what side dish would—”

(The young son hits me in the back of the head. I find this funny, as the kid is so young.)

Me: “Hey buddy, what’s the matter?”

Child: “Where the f*** is my food?”

(I look at the mother in expectation of her to do something.)

Mother: “Well? Are you going to answer him?”

(I stare at the mother in disbelief.)

Me: “Well… the kitchen needs to cook your food for you, which takes time. I haven’t left the table yet, which means they don’t know what you would like to eat; it hasn’t even started being cooked yet.”

(The mother just kept going like nothing happened.)

Shaming Special On The Pre-Wedding Aisle, Part 2

| Omaha, NE, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

(I’m taking care of my younger sister, who is 10. We’re having a movie night, and are grabbing some snacks at a nearby store. I am 19 and female.)

Me: “Okay, pick out what you want.”

Sister: “Can I have whatever I want?”

Me: “Of course! You can pick out anything.”

(Another customer notices my sister picking out some candy.)

Customer: “Humph! You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Customer: “Having a child at your age. It’s disgraceful. And now you’re wasting your welfare money on junk food. It’s your fault the economy is so terrible.”

Me: “I’m afraid you’re mistaken. She’s not my daughter, she’s my sister. I’m babysitting for the night.”

Customer: “That’s just the lie you tell people so you don’t get strange looks. I’ll bet your kid’s spoiled rotten.”

Me: “Actually, she is my sister. This is our night to have fun together. And I’m not on welfare. I actually work part time, and have a large scholarship for the university I attend. My sister isn’t spoiled. She’s very sweet and very smart.”

Customer: “You’d like to think that wouldn’t you?”

(My little sister interjects by talking to me.)

Sister: “How old are you?”

Me: “I’m 19.”

Sister: “And I’m 10. If I was your baby, you’d be a mom at nine, right?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Sister: “She can’t be my mom. She’s not old enough. Maybe you should get new glasses.”

(The other customer sputters for a moment, then walks away.)

Me: “I think we should get some ice cream too.”

Related:
Shaming Special On The Pre-Wedding Aisle

Drastic Plastic

| Chicago, IL, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(A shopper walks by with a cart full of cups, plastic silverware, and paper plates.)

Me: “Hey! How are you? Throwing a party?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I just don’t believe in washing dishes.”

Contr-Acting Badly

| NB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

(A customer comes in to return their truck rental.)

Me: “Since you’re two hours over time, you’re going to have to pay for another day.”

Customer: “Well if you’re going to charge me for it, I want that truck back so I can move some things.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’ve closed the contract. You would have to start to start a new one.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous; just give me the truck.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; you have to start a new contract.”

(The customer turns and starts to walk around the counter. I grab the keys from the wall and put them behind my back.)

Customer: “Gimme those keys!”

(He rushes forward and attempts to tackle me, hitting into me with his shoulder. My manager is on the phone right away. We struggle for a bit, but he finally gets his hand on the key tag and pulls it free from my hand. The key itself cuts my palm pretty bad. He starts stomping out of the building as my manager yells to him.)

Manager: “If you walk out that door, I’m charging you with grand theft auto.”

(The guy stops and huffs, then drops the keys and walks outside. My coworker pulls me up, and we wait for the police to arrive. When the police arrive one of them greets the customer with a huge smile and a hand shake; it seems he knows him quite well. The two police officers and the man talk for a while and finally they come over to talk to me.)

Police Officer: “If you want to press charges, it’s not going to be easy. He wasn’t trying to hurt you; he was just trying to get the keys. We can’t really report this as an assault. If he shakes your hand and apologizes, will you agree not to press charges?”

(I nod agreement.)

Customer: “Oh, hey, sorry I tripped and fell on you there. I wasn’t trying to hurt you; I was just trying to get the keys.”

(I can now say that he was the worst customer I’ve ever had. When someone gets mad at me, or swears at me at work, I just laugh. Nothing they can say can be worse than what that customer did to me. I now keep a heavy, blunt object on hand at the counter, just in case.)

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