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    The Gauntlet Has Been Phoned

    | Worcestershire, UK |

    (An irate caller is being very nasty and swearing at me down the phone.)

    Me: “Ma’am, if you carry on talking to me like that, I will terminate the phone call.”

    Caller: “Go on, then. I f***ing dare you.”

    Me: “I would like to carry on this conversation calmly, but I will terminate the phone call if you carry on swearing at me.”

    Caller: “I f***ing dare you.”

    Me: *hangs up*

    Desperate Drive-Thru-Wives

    , | Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I’m presenting at the drive-thru of a well-known franchise. A van full of women in their 30s and 40s pulls up. I hand them their drinks and proceed to make small talk with them while waiting for my runner to finish assembling the meal.)

    Me: “So, it’ll be just a moment and your food will be ready!”

    (As I talk to the driver, she pulls a weird, thick, peach-colored item from her bag. She and her friends start laughing.)

    Driver: “Oh, that’s fine, honey! Take your time!”

    Me: “Haha, all…right…”

    (Suddenly, I realize what the item is. It’s a phallic-shaped pen.)

    Me: “That’s…um. That’s an interesting pen you have there, haha!”

    Driver: *waving it around* “Oh yes, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Er…yes! Here’s your food! You have a good day, now!”

    Driver: “Oh, I don’t think this is big enough, but I’ll try!”

    (All the women in the van laugh as they drive off.)

    Me: *speechless*

    It Never Hurts To Quadruple Check

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

    Me: “Good morning, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like a large tea, with cream and sugar on the side.”

    Me: “Okay, just to clarify, the cream and sugar are both on the side?”

    Customer: “On the side means it’s not in the cup.”

    Me: “Okay, so they’re both on the side?”

    Customer: “ON THE SIDE MEANS THEY’RE NOT IN THE CUP!”

    Me: “Okay, so you have cream and sugar on the side.”

    Customer: “I DON’T WANT ANYTHING IN THE CUP!”

    Me: “Okay, so you have a large black tea with cream and sugar on the side. That will be [price], and you can pick your tea up at the end.”

    (I go make the drink, get the cream and sugar on the side, and give it to the customer.)

    Me: “Okay, one large black tea with cream and sugar on the side.”

    Customer: “So, there’s nothing in the cup, right?”

    Me: *speechless*

    As Easy As 2-1-3

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A customer in the self-serve copy area calls over for help.)

    Me: “What is it that you need help with?”

    Customer: “I don’t know how to make double sided copies.”

    (I see that he has two single sided sheets.)

    Me: “Okay, so first, put your pages in the feeder, face up. Then, under double sided copying, we’re going to select 1 sided to 2 sided.”

    Customer: “No, it should be 2 sided to 1 since we have 2 pages and want to make 1 page.”

    Me: “No, the numbers tell the copier how many sides the paper is, not how many pieces of paper you want. We have a single sided original and we want to make a double sided copy. 1-2.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “No, it’s 2-1.”

    (The customer presses 2-1 and hits start. The copier scans both sides of this single sided originals and charges him for 4 copies instead of 2.)

    Me: “Wait, no–”

    Customer: “Yes, see? I was right!”

    Me: “No, look…you weren’t.”

    (The customer picks up his copies to see 4 pieces of paper, two of which are blank.)

    Customer: “Hey, they came out wrong.”

    Me: “Yep, because the setting was supposed to be 1-2.”

    Customer: “Can I get a refund for them?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because you asked me for help. When I told you how to do it, you didn’t listen to me.”

    Customer: “But they came out wrong!”

    Me: “They came out wrong because you used the wrong setting after I told you what the correct setting was. I’m sorry, I can’t refund you.”

    Customer: “So the setting is 1-2 then?”

    Transactions For Dummies

    | Florida, USA | Money

    (I am working the register at a well-known video game store, when a customer approaches with a stack of games and his son.)

    Me: “That will be $87.96.”

    Customer: “Here.” *gives me a gift card worth $25*

    Me: *processes gift card* “Your balance is $62.96.”

    Customer: “What do you I do now?”

    Me: “You give me more money.”

    Customer: “Oh, sorry. I have never been here before…”

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