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    The Party Don’t Start ‘Till I Walk In

    | Lincoln, NE, USA |

    (It’s 9 am and the phone rings. Note that we open at 10 am.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “What time do you open?”

    Me: “10 o’ clock.”

    Caller: “Then why are you there?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “Why are you there answering phones if you’re not open?”

    Me: “We have a lot to do to get the store ready for opening.”

    Caller: “Well, you shouldn’t be there. Otherwise you should just open at 9.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, we’ll see you at 10!”

    Caller: *click*

    Is This A Stupid Drill

    | Pueblo, CO, USA |

    (I work in an office for accounts receivable that takes payments, sets up payment agreements, etc. One night, I am working late on the fourth floor with a customer on the line when the building’s fire alarm goes off for a scheduled routine drill.)

    Me: “Okay sir, your payment just went through. Your confirmation number is–”

    Customer: “What’s that noise?”

    Me: “It’s our fire alarm. They’re going to start clearing the building for a drill, so I need to give you this number quickly.”

    Customer: “Is your building on fire?”

    Me: “No, sir. It’s just a scheduled drill. Your confirmation number, if you’re ready, is–”

    Customer: “Should I call the fire department?”

    Me: “No, sir. It’s a drill. The building is not on fire.”

    (I finally manage to give him his number and am finishing up the call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling finance, sir. Have a good evening.”

    Customer: “You, too! Don’t burn to death!”

    One Point Stupid

    | South Carolina, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am a cashier in a gas station that sells a fair amount of “tobacco” rolling papers. We just recently changed brands that are slightly different. Note that I just moved from the north.)

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ll take a pack of one point five rolling papers please.”

    Me: “All right, we have [brand name] one and one half gold, [brand name] one and one half silver, or [off brand] one and one half. Which would you like?”

    Customer: “I said one point five not one and one half. Don’t they teach math in school anymore?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “It’s fine. I just wish they would stick to the three r’s still. Reading, writing, and ‘rithmitic.” *storms out*

    Me: *stands there with mouth wide open*

    Coworker: “Welcome to the south, buddy!”

    It’ll Go Away If You’re Belieber

    | Illinois, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (I work as a nurse in hospital in Illinois. Keep in mind where quite busy at the moment. A woman rushes up to me dragging a preteen girl behind her.)

    Woman: “Help! Please help! My daughter needs a vaccine!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, I need to know what the vaccine is for. Do you have an appointment?”

    Woman: “No! I don’t have any appointment! My daughter has a fever!”

    Daughter: “Mom! I don’t have a fever!”

    Woman: *still looking at me* “Her aunt told me she has it! The Heever Fever!”

    Me: “Ma’am, are you trying to say ‘Bieber Fever’?”

    Woman: “Yes! That!”

    Daughter: “Mom! You’re embarrassing me!”

    No Aspirations As Long As You’re Under This Roof, Part 2

    , | California, USA | Family & Kids, School

    (I work at a call center for a university. We call prospective students and tell them about our school. This call was meant for a young lady but was taken by her father.)

    Me: “I’m calling from [university] to talk to [girl] about her interest in attending our university.”

    Father: “University? Like school, papers, homework, and stuff?!”

    Me: “Yes, that stuff usually occurs in a university.”

    Father: “My daughter ain’t goin’ there!”

    Me: “All right, have a nice day, sir.”

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    No Aspirations As Long As You’re Under This Roof

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