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    Flirtings & Salutations

    | Indiana, USA | At The Checkout

    (An older customer and his wife approach the register.)

    Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

    Customer: “Good. How are you?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m pretty good!”

    Customer: “You got the ‘pretty’ part right, but I’m not so sure about the ‘good’ part yet.”

    (The customer’s wife glares at him. I feel pretty uncomfortable and start to scan his groceries.)

    Customer: “Hmm…you’re pretty fast. Good, good…”

    (I hurriedly scan the rest of their groceries and turn my attention elsewhere.)

    Demonstratively Stupid

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “I need you to fax something for me.”

    Me: “Okay, we actually have a self-serve fax machine right over here.”

    (I point to it as I walk over to it from my side of the counter.)

    Customer: “I don’t know how to fax.”

    Me: “That’s okay. I’ll show you.”

    Customer: “But I’ve never used one of those before.”

    Me: “That’s why I’m going to show you how to use it.”

    Customer: “No, I can’t, I’m not good with computers.”

    Me: “Then you’re in luck: this isn’t a computer. It’s actually just like using a phone.”

    Customer: “Here, you just do it for me.”

    Me: “I actually can’t, due to our privacy policy, but I will walk you through it.”

    Customer: “But I don’t know how to use it!”

    Me: “That’s why I said I would show you…”

    Rage Before Beauty

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA |

    Customer: “You’re too young to be wearing such nice jewelry.”

    Me: “Um, thank you?”

    Customer: “No. Seriously. You’re in what, college? You should not be allowed to wear or own such nice jewelry.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “This is an utter outrage. I want to see your manager!”

    Why Tech Support Needs Hazard Pay

    , | Alberta, Canada | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (We don’t have a tech support team of any kind at our store. However, since I have my certifications to do, I often perform simple repairs for customers if it’s not busy. On this particular day, a gentleman walks into the store with his laptop looking panicky.)

    Customer: “Hey, can you fix my computer?”

    Me: “I suppose. What seems to be happening?”

    Customer: “I can’t back up my iPhone. I keep getting an error message.”

    Me: “I’ll have a look for you.”

    (I turn on the laptop, plug in his phone and get an error message saying that there isn’t enough drive space. He has 16.8MB of space left on a 500GB drive. I check to see what’s clogging up all his drive space and find that almost EVERY file on his drive is very strange, deviant pornography.)

    Me: “Sir…your hard drive is full of porn.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “That’s why you can’t back up your iPhone. You don’t have enough room.”

    Customer: “I’m not sure I follow.”

    Me: “Sir, you have too much porn on your hard drive. If you delete some of it, you’ll have enough room for the files on your iPhone.”

    Customer: *beginning to panic even further* “But I can’t delete it! I need it! I NEED IT ALL!”

    Me: “Um, okay…” *I grab a USB drive off the shelf* “This is a flash drive. You can move some of your files on to it and then you’ll have room to back up your iPhone.”

    Customer: “Can you show me how? I’m not good with this tech stuff.”

    (I ring the flash drive through the till. He pays for it and I move a bunch of his files over to the thumb drive.)

    Me: “There you go, sir. Now you can back up your iPhone.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Um, can I get a few more of those flash…thingies?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (He grabs four more 16GB drives, pays for them, and hurriedly leaves the store.)

    This Shall Henceforth Be Called Squirrelling

    | Illinois, USA |

    (We had rearranged the store recently so regulars were having trouble finding things. One of our regular customer comes in, looks around confused. I walk up to them.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “So, where did you hide your nuts?”

    (I nearly explode trying not to burst into laughter as I show him where they were moved to.)

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