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  • Gave Them A Rude Awakening
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    Let’s Hope He’s All Talk And No Trousers

    | MI, USA | Rude & Risque

    (At my job, we plan and host events for a small private college community. I am manning the phones, and I get a call from a retired professor trying to order tickets to a popular event that had sold out the week before.)

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but tickets sold out last week. If you like, I can put you on a waiting list in case someone cancels their reservation.”

    Retired Professor: “Sure, sweetheart, let’s do that. We can always cross our fingers and hope that someone dies.”

    Me: “…That, too.”

    Retired Professor: “So, if I get a call from you, I’ll put pants on and bring the check over to the office?”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Retired Professor: “Or, maybe I’ll forget the pants. At my age, pants are optional.”

    Me: “I envy you.”

    Retired Professor: *has a wheezing laugh attack* “I hope I cheered you up on this rainy Monday, sweetheart! Have a nice day!” *click*

    At Least He Isn’t Bitter

    | New York, NY, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Customer: “Okay, time to order. I’ve heard your teas are good. What’s the difference between a tea and a tea-lemonade?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no way I can answer that without sounding like a smarta**.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on… what’s the difference?”

    Me: “Um, lemonade.”

    Customer: *laughs* “I’m an idiot!”

    Happy Holidaze

    | Norman, OK, USA | At The Checkout, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a customer in line at a convenience store. There is one man in front of me who pays for a chocolate milk and leaves. As the cashier is checking me out, the customer with the chocolate milk comes barging back into the store.)

    Customer: “Dude, you need to let me exchange this milk. It is out of date!”

    Cashier: “Of course. If the milk is out of date, you may certainly get another one.”

    (The cashier takes the milk and sets it aside without looking at it while he continues to check me out. The customer disappears toward the back of the store and then comes stomping back to the counter less than a minute later.)

    Customer: “ALL of your milks are out of date! What sort of place is this?!”

    Cashier: “Really? We just had a delivery…” *checks the date of the chocolate milk he set aside earlier* “This milk is still good! It says December 12th.”

    Customer: “Dude, the 12th was at the BEGINNING of the month! We’re at the END of the month!”

    Cashier: “No, sir. Today is December 10th.”

    Customer: “Nuh-uh! Today is the 26th! Yesterday was Christmas!”

    (The cashier shows the customer a calendar hanging behind the counter.)

    Cashier: “No, sir. We haven’t had Christmas yet. It’s only December 10th, and Christmas isn’t until the 25th.”

    Customer: *dazed look* “Dude…I like, dreamed that yesterday was Christmas! I guess I didn’t get a new car from my Grandma, either. I thought somebody stole it!” *takes his milk and leaves*

    Couples Therapy

    | MA, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Bigotry, Top

    (There was recently a vote in Minnesota whether or not to change the constitution to make same-sex marriage illegal. Voting ‘Yes’ would be for making it illegal, and vice versa for ‘No’. It should also be noted that there is already a law in place prohibiting same-sex marriage. I’m wiping tables at coffee shop. It’s been pretty slow, and I see two young women obviously in a relationship. They order their drinks, and then sit down. A young man of around 20 is sitting a little ways from them, wearing a heavy jacket. I’ve noticed several looks pass back and forth between them, until finally, one of the young women walks over to him.)

    Young Woman #1: *to the young man* “Would you please mind your own business?”

    Young Man: “I’m sorry?”

    Young Woman #1: “You’ve been glaring at us for the better part of five minutes. Is there something you’d like to say?”

    Young Man: “Oh… look, I’m sorry. It’s just that I saw you two there, and—”

    Young Woman #1: “And what? You thought I wouldn’t notice you being passive aggressive over here?”

    Young Man: “Please, I’m sorry.”

    (The young woman bends down and jostles the table, causing the young man to flinch back, shifting his jacket slightly. She smiles sweetly.)

    Young Woman #1: “See, that wasn’t so…”

    (She trails off because of what she sees: beneath the young man’s now-open jacket is a bright blue ‘VOTE NO’ t-shirt. She stands slack-jawed for a moment.)

    Young Woman #1: “I… uh…”

    Young Man: *looks down* “Oh, um, I guess that would’ve helped.”

    (The young woman stutters a few more times, then rushes back to her seat. Eventually, she comes back to apologize to the poor guy.)

    Young Woman #1: “I’m sorry about that. My girlfriend just came out to her family, and they aren’t taking it well.”

    Young Man: “It’s okay. I’ve just been through a nasty breakup myself, and seeing the two of you so happy together was pretty tough for me.”

    (After hearing this, I talk to my manager, and he lets me purchase two $25 gift cards with my employee discount, which I give to both parties. All three seemed to leave as friends.)

    The Dividing Line

    | Albany, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a customer in line at a major lingerie store in a mall at midnight on Black Friday. As expected, the line is well over 10 times longer than normal due to a free gift bag they offer if you spend $65 or more. Two customers come up to me.)

    Customer #1: “Is this where the line starts?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (The two customers line up behind me and instantly start to rant.)

    Customer #2: “Oh my God! This line is too long!”

    Customer #1: “They should have every register open!”

    Customer #2: “They do have every register open. They need to have this store on two floors!”

    Customer #1: ” Yeah! They should have two floors!”

    Customer #2: “I mean, look at all of these people in here! How can they have this may people in here and not see that they need two floors!”

    (Normally any other day of the year, this store is plenty big enough for its typical haul of customers.)

    Customer #1: “If they run out of gift bags by the time it’s my turn, I’m going to scream and call their corporate offices! It’s ridiculous how many people are in here!”

    Customer #2: “All of these people are gonna make me late for work!”

    Customer #1: “What time do you have to be in again?”

    Customer #2: “In a half hour!”

    (Based on where we are in line, and how fast the line is moving, also the amount of people cutting in line, it could take at least another hour and a half to reach the registers that we can’t even see.)

    Customer #1: “They shouldn’t have slow cashiers working either! The rest of us have things to do!”

    Customer #2: “I know what you mean! I can’t stand when they hire slow people!”

    Customer #1: “When I get up there, I’m gonna give them a piece of my mind! They need to have 2 floors!”

    (I wanted nothing more to tell these two women that it was Black Friday. It was going to be busy no matter what store you went to. However, I decide that with their tensions high, it would be in my best interest not to provoke these ladies by telling them off.)

    Customer #2: “Ugh! I can’t stand this anymore! I’m going to be late! This line hasn’t moved! I have to leave!”

    Customer #1: “I wish you weren’t out of sick days! I’m not staying here alone with all of these people! I have things to do!”

    (Thankfully they left at that point. Hallelujah!)

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