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  • Bigotry Comes In All Shapes And Sizes
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    Let There Be Light(ers)

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have any tables available outside?”

    (They look straight ahead to the patio and cut me off before I can say a word.)

    Customer: “Oh, never mind. The sun is shining in the direction of the patio.”

    Me: “We have a second patio on the other side of the restaurant.”

    (I am about to lead them there when the customer realizes there is a non-smoking sign.)

    Customer: “Oh, never mind. I need to be able to smoke. I guess we’ll take the patio with the sunlight shining.”

    (I am taking them out to their table when the customer’s wife turns and smiles to me.)

    Customer’s wife: “We just don’t want to get cancer from the sun.”

    Peppered With Mistakes

    | Richmond, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “Is that chicken?”

    Me: “No, they are stuffed jalapeños.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s pork?”

    Me: “No, it’s a stuffed jalapeño.”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “A pepper.”

    Customer: “Is that so?”

    (The customer’s husband approaches and sees the stuffed jalapeños.)

    Customer’s husband: “What is that?”

    Me: “Stuffed jalapeños.”

    Customer’s husband: “Oh, so it’s fish?”

    Zombies Need Contractors Too

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (A customer calls and asks about a company that is subcontracted to manage some machinery in the warehouse. I explain it to him.)

    Caller: “Oh, so you’re an umbrella corporation, then?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, that’s correct. Except we don’t have zombies.”

    Caller: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Me: “Never mind, sir. Did you have any other questions today?”

    Zombies Retail Assistance Too
    Zombies Need Tech Support Too
    Zombies Need Healthcare Too
    Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 3

    | OK, USA |

    (I work as a tech support agent for a cell phone company.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support! My name is Steven. May I please have the ten digit telephone number you’re calling about today?”

    (The customer rattles off the number.)

    Me: “Thank you! What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “You can fix my d*** phone, that’s what!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having issues with your phone, sir. What exactly is going on?”

    (The customer proceeds to explain the issue, with a good deal of vulgarity involved.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, that’s actually a known issue with the phone. I can walk you through some steps to get it fixed.”

    Customer: “Don’t give me that s***! Just turn the f***ing dial or whatever!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I know you have a dial or a knob or something to make my phone connect! Just f***ing push it!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Here’s what we need to do. Type in this code, exactly the way I tell you. When it comes back up, let me know. This will let me connect to your phone, and make sure it’s tied to the tower. Now, it might erase some of your data on the phone. It’s a new method we’re trying out.”

    (I give him the steps to reset the phone, which is exactly what we’re supposed to do to fix the problem.)

    Customer: “Finally!”

    (He punches in the code. We wait for the phone to reboot. I’m quietly typing notes into the account.)

    Customer: “It’s back up now.”

    Me: “Great, sir! I’m going to push the button to reconnect you now!”

    (I put the headset microphone close to my keyboard, and pound on a button. I make a nice, loud CLICK sound.)

    Me: “Okay, try making a call to our test number.”

    (I give him the test number. The customer dials the number and gets the automated response.)

    Me: “Alright then, sir. Looks like you’re back up and running! Was there anything else?”

    Customer: “No, that’s it. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about the button.” *hangs up*

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2
    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

    No ID, No Idea, Part 8

    | Greenville, SC, USA |

    (I work security at a nightclub.)

    Me: “ID, please.”

    (I look at the customer’s ID.)

    Me: “Sir, are you sure you want to use this ID?”

    Customer: “It’s mine. I’m old enough.”

    Me: “I don’t think so, sir. And, if I’m right, you’ll be spending time explaining things to the nice officer in the office.”

    Customer: “That’s my ID and I’m 21.”

    Me: “Okay, let’s go.”

    (I begin escorting him to the office.)

    Customer: “I don’t get it. What was the problem with it?”

    Me: “Well, for starters, I’ve seen a lot of IDs come through here. I’m not aware of any state that uses photos with a beach scene background.”

    No ID, No Idea, Part 7
    No ID, No Idea, Part 6
    No ID, No Idea, Part 5
    No ID, No Idea, Part 4
    No ID, No Idea, Part 3
    No ID, No Idea, Part 2
    No ID, No Idea

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