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    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Transportation

    (I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)

    Man: “Ahem.”

    (I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)

    Man: *louder* “Ahem!”

    Me: “What?”

    Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”

    Me: “What are you talking about?”

    Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”

    (I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)

    Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”

    Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”

    Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”

    Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”

    (He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)

    Man: “There, you see? That’s the valet who refused to park my car and insulted me! I demand that you fire him immediately!”

    (The manager looks at him like he’s insane.)

    Manager: “Sir, we don’t have valets. He doesn’t work here.”

    Man: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! You will fire that man immediately!”

    Manager: “I told you already, that guy doesn’t work for us. This is [name of store].”

    Man: “Have you all lost your minds? You think that because Obama’s in the White House that you can get away with not showing me the respect I deserve? You think Obama will save you after people like you destroy this country?”

    (The man rants about President Obama and the “destruction of American values” for a good two minutes. The manager is too stunned to say anything. Finally the man gets back in his car and drives away. The manager looks at me and I just shrug.)

    Related:
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5

    No ID, No Idea, Part 10

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month, Underaged

    (At the theater, we’re required to double-check the IDs of patrons attending rated R films if they look under 21. If a patron under 21 is not escorted by a guardian OVER 21, they cannot come in. A guest and her boyfriend approach the ticket-taking area.)

    Me: *taking their tickets* “Can I see your IDs, please?”

    (The guest hands me her ID, but I see that she’s only twenty.)

    Guest’s Boyfriend: “I forgot mine.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. Your girlfriend is under 21, so she doesn’t qualify to be your guardian, and I can’t let you in without an ID stating that you’re at least 17.”

    Guest: “Baby, why didn’t you bring your ID?”

    Guest’s Boyfriend: “It’s not my fault she’s being a b****!”

    Me: “Excuse me? Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Guest’s Boyfriend: “Well, I’m not leaving.”

    Me: *on the radio* “[Security guard], could you come to the front please?”

    Security: “What’s going on?”

    (As I explain the situation, as the guest simply stares at the guard. He’s a very large Hispanic man in a suit.)

    Security: “Did you really call her that?”

    Guest’s Boyfriend: “I, uh…”

    Security: “Leave. Now, buddy.”

    Guest’s Boyfriend: “Man!” *leaves*

    (The guest goes back to the box office to demand a refund. Because he was technically kicked out for misconduct, it wasn’t required for us to give him a refund. My coworker in the box office comes out to speak to me.)

    Coworker: “He’s asking for a refund, but I told him it would be up to you.”

    (I look and see the guest staring irritably down at the box office counter.)

    Me: “He can have his refund, but he can’t come back in tonight.”

    (We never saw him again.)

    Related:
    No ID, No Idea, Part 9

    Laptop Flop, Part 2

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Technology

    (I work in a technology help desk fixing computers. A preteen girl brings in her laptop. The entire left side is damaged, and quite badly.)

    Girl: “My laptop isn’t working and I don’t know why.”

    Me: “Well, it may have to do with the damage on the side.”

    Girl: “What damage?”

    Me: “The entire left side of your laptop is smashed up.”

    Girl: *surprised* “Oh! When did that happen?”

    Me: “Have you dropped it recently?”

    Girl: “Well, yeah, I’m really klutzy, so I tend to drop it out of my car when I go to school.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, we can take a look at it and try to fix it for you so your laptop works again. In the future, try not to drop your laptop so much.”

    Girl: “Oh, is it bad to drop it a lot?”

    Related:
    Laptop Flop

    Not Just Coffee To Grind

    | New York, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (It is the day after Christmas and my parents have recently flown in for the holidays. We are in line in Starbucks, which my parents do not frequent much back home. My elderly parents are telling the barista the order for 4 of us. The fact that my mother needs to repeat the order to the cashier so that it may be rung up is initially lost on her.)

    Cashier: “What are you having?”

    My Mom: “Oh, no, the other man is taking care of us already.”

    Cashier: “Yes, I know, but what are you having?”

    My Mom: “He’s already taken care of us, but thank you.”

    (A group of three rude women have formed behind us.)

    Rude Woman #1: *to my mom, rudely* “They want to know what you already ordered so they can ring you up.”

    My Mom: *to rude woman #1* “Oh, I have to repeat my order?”

    Rude Woman #1: *rolls her eyes* “Yes.”

    (My mom begins to repeat her order but has trouble remembering everything. Her reciting of the order has taken under 30 seconds. Another woman in the group behind us, Rude Woman #2, begins to stamp her feet, making fun of my mother to rude woman #1 and #3, loud enough for everyone else to hear, complete with more eye rolling and many statements of “Ugh, oh my god!” I get sick of hearing this and dart my eyes in her direction. The eye contact shocks her, and she goes quiet.)

    Me: *to Rude Woman #2* “I would appreciate you not being so rude during the holidays. If you don’t like your 60 second wait, there is literally another Starbucks a few feet away from this one.”

    (Rude Woman #2 is shocked and does not know what to say to me. Instead, she turns to her two other rude cohorts.)

    Rude Woman #2: “Ugh! What?!? I didn’t even do anything! Oh my god!””

    (The three of them stay quiet after that.)

    A Penny For Your Loud Thoughts

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (The place where I work offers ‘extended protection’ plans for select items. The plans are typically 10% the cost of the item, meaning if the item is $19.99, the plan costs $1.99. Because of this, I often just round up to the next whole dollar amount when citing the price of the item, then point out it’s a penny less if they opt to purchase it. It’s never been an issue before now. The customer is a middle-aged woman who has been very pleasant, thus far.)

    Me: “It looks as though this item comes with the option of an extended protection plan, beyond that of the manufacturer’s warranty. It only costs $3 and gives you another year in case anything goes wrong.”

    Customer: “Sure!”

    Me: “Okay!” *adds the plan* “Also, it actually only costs $2.99, so you—”

    Customer: *suddenly angry* “What? F*** you! No! I don’t want it! Never mind!”

    Me: “…um, okay? But, so you’re aware, that’s less than what I said it would—”

    Customer: “You! You said it would cost $3! YOU LIED JUST TO GET MY MONEY!” *jabs her finger towards my chest*

    Me: “I promise you, ma’am, that wasn’t—”

    Customer: “Shut the h*** up! I said no! You are trying to charge me more than what you said it would cost!”

    (At this point, the customer standing behind her speaks up. She is a regular, and just celebrated her 87th birthday the week prior.)

    Regular Customer: “Oh, for the love of Pete, you idiot! $2.99 is less than $3, not more! She just saved you a penny! And shame on you, standing here, screaming at her like this! What would your mother think? Now you apologize to this girl, buy the d*** plan, and get out of line! I’m missing my shows because of your shenanigans!”

    (At this point, the other customer shuts up, pays for her items, and slinks off without another word.)

    Me: *awestruck* “Thank you, for that. That was amazing.”

    Regular Customer: *pats my hand and smiles* “It was nothing, dear. Honestly! No respect. That’s what’s wrong with people today!”

    (I told my manager about the incident some hours later. The next time the regular came into the store? There was a $50 gift card waiting for her, as thanks from all of us.)

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