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    Brains Over Brawn

    | Germany | Food & Drink

    (I work as a patient coordinator in an outpatient clinic. In our waiting room, we have a coffee machine that has three options on it: mild, regular, and bold. To use it, one simply opens up the compartment and places a single packet on the tray.)

    Coworker: “There’s coffee everywhere in the waiting room!”

    (I go to check it out. There is coffee all in the general area, on a patient, who is unhurt, and all of her papers. I ask the patient what happened)

    Patient: “Your coffee machine is terrible; that’s what happened! Your coffee is so weak and I tried to make it stronger! Then, it shot coffee everywhere!”

    Me: “Sorry to hear that! Let me see what I can do.”

    (I open the coffee machine to see that the patient has shoved two coffee packets in the compartment, which clearly is supposed to take one. It’s a wonder the machine didn’t break.)

    Me: “Ma’am, did you place two coffee packets in the compartment?”

    Patient: “Of course! How else can I make it stronger?”

    Me: *noticing the “Mild” option is selected* “Next time, please press the button that says ‘Bold’.”

    Related:
    Brawn Over Brains

    Preemptive Strike: Shock And Awe

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    (I approach a customer to see if he needs help.)

    Me: “Hello!”

    Customer: “No, thank you.”

    Me: *confused*

    Placebo Me, Part 4

    | Bowling Green, OH, USA |

    (I’m at the service desk helping a few guests that come up for returns and such. A lady holding a “Lion King DVD Edition” and her receipt approaches)

    Me: “Good evening, ma’am! What can I do for you tonight?”

    Customer: “I need to exchange this for a DVD. I don’t want the Blu-Ray.”

    (I look at the box. It is indeed the DVD version of the “Lion King” movie, as it says in bold lettering at the top “DVD EDITION”. There is a small sticker on the cover that states “Also in Blu-Ray Combo Packs”)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it looks like you already have the DVD version. It says right at the top here–“

    Customer: “No! I don’t want the Blu-Ray version! I called in! Give me the DVD version instead of this Blu-Ray.”

    Me: “I understand, ma’am, it’s just a sticker that says it’s there’s also a Blu-Ray version–“

    Customer: “NO! I want the DVD version!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, let me head back to the department and see if I can find the DVD version. Just give me a second.”

    (I take the movie back to the department and peel back the sticker, removing it. I then go back to the desk, handing her back the movie without the sticker)

    Me: “Here you are, ma’am. Sorry about that.”

    Customer: “It’s about time! Thank you!”

    (She leaves in a huff, grumbling about blu-ray movies.)

    Related:
    Placebo Me, Part 3
    Placebo Me, Part 2
    Placebo Me

    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5

    | Maryland, USA | Language & Words

    Customer: “Do you have any fecal heart monitors?”

    Me: “Uh…what?”

    Customer: “You know, to hear the baby while it’s still in the womb?”

    Me: “That would be a fetal heart monitor. Right this way…”

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    It’s The Secret Sauce

    | Orem, UT, USA | Food & Drink

    (I take to-go orders over the phone. This was a call from one of our daily customers.)

    Customer: “I was also wondering if you had areola sauce.”

    Me: “Um…sorry. What was that?”

    Customer: “Areola sauce! Someone’s asking for it.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh*

    (In the background, someone yells and everyone starts laughing.)

    Customer: “Oh God! Is that what I said? Well, s***. That’s definitely not what I want.”

    (After nearly ten minutes of laughing and getting nowhere in their order, the phone gets passed around until someone can stop laughing long enough to talk. I gave them some free dessert for making my week.)

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