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    He’ll Be Back In The Future

    | Ireland | Movies & TV, Time

    (A regular customer comes up to me. He’s notorious for being rude, ignoring what we say to him and just generally wasting our time.)

    Regular: “Can you look up a music DVD for me?”

    Me: “Sure, what are you looking for?”

    Regular: I’m wondering if [band] released a DVD of their 45th anniversary concert. I saw it on TV a while back.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. I can see here that they don’t have a 45th anniversary concert DVD, but they do have a 35th anniversary concert DVD. Is that the one you’re looking for perhaps?”

    Regular: “Of course it’s not. Do I look like I’m stupid? I know what one I’m looking for and I’m looking for their 45th anniversary not the 35th anniversary!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, it’s just that it says here that their 35th anniversary only happened 6 years ago. It would be impossible for them to have released a 45th anniversary DVD yet.”

    Regular: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, there’s 10 years between a 35th anniversary and a 45th anniversary.”

    Regular: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “So if their 35th anniversary happened in 2006 and there’s 10 years between 35 and 45…”

    Regular: *stares blankly*

    Me: “…their 45th anniversary won’t be out until 2016.”

    Regular: “But I saw it on TV!”

    Me: “Are you sure it wasn’t their 35th anniversary?”

    Regular: “Of course I’m bloody well sure!”

    Me: “Well then, I’m sorry sir the DVD you’re looking for is not available and won’t be for some time.”

    Regular: “Fine. Will you just give me a ring when you can get it for me?”

    Me: “Well, no, sir. The DVD doesn’t come out for another four years. I can’t even promise I’ll be here in four years when this DVD comes out.”

    Regular: “You insolent little b****! I’ll be back in next month and you better be able to get it for me by then! You’re useless!” *leaves the store in a huff*

    Best Put That Topic To Bed

    | Nottinghamshire, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I work in the bedroom department. My job is to approach passers-by and ask about what they’re looking for. A couple I ask takes an interest in a headboard.)

    Husband: “That’s no good for us, sweetie.”

    Wife: “Why not?”

    Husband: “Well…” *looks at me directly* “…there’s nowhere to put the handcuffs!”

    (I worked in Ann Summers for a year, and whilst I was unemployed did paid reviews on BDSM and other such toys.)

    Me: *smiling sweetly* “To be honest, the under-bed cuffing systems work so much better, especially the German makes. Plus they’re a lot more discreet. But if you’re infrequent users you may want to try bondage tape, it’s a lot cheaper in the long run, and it doesn’t like any visible marks or pulls on hair.”

    Husband: *turns red*

    Wife: *to her husband* “You had that coming.”

    Me Me Me!

    She’s A Bad Penny

    | Ashford, Kent, UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    (I work in a department store with a food hall. Company policy is to charge 5p for carrier bags in the food hall, and has been for several years. A woman walks up to the till with a few items and a backpack on.)

    Me: “Hello, do you need a bag?”

    Woman: *not paying much attention* “Yeah.”

    Me: “Is a 5p bag okay?”

    Woman: “Yeah.”

    (I charge her for the bag and scan/pack her shopping.)

    Me: “That’s [price], including the 5p bag charge.”

    (She pays for her shopping using her credit card, then stops just as she is about to leave.)

    Woman: “Was I charged for this bag?”

    Me: “Yes, it cost 5p.”

    Woman: “Well, I don’t want it then!”

    (She tips her shopping out of the bag, back onto the counter, and then starts putting it in her backpack.)

    Woman: “I want a refund!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’ve closed the till, and only a manager can open it. I’ll just call one over for you.”

    (I call a manager, but they’re all busy with other customers.)

    Woman: “Hurry up! I want my money!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”

    (A little old lady, waiting in the queue, gets fed up and takes 5p out of her purse.)

    Little Old Lady: “Here you go, dear. Now off you trot!”

    (The woman takes the 5p and leaves.)

    Me: *to the little old lady* “Thank you so much!”

    Little Old Lady: *smiles* “I don’t see why people like you and I have to put up with people like her!”

    Cooking Up A Storm

    | MD, USA | Family & Kids, Holidays

    (A confused woman and her child, about nine years old, approaches the counter.)

    Customer: “Whole lot of people here today, isn’t there? Never seen it so busy.”

    Me: “We get quite a crowd for Black Friday sale, yeah.”

    Customer: *confused* “Black Friday?”

    Me: “Retail nickname for the day after Thanksgiving.”

    Customer: “Oh, I know, but that’s today? Yesterday was Thanksgiving?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: *looks down at her daughter* “Why didn’t you tell me it was Thanksgiving? Your grandmother is going to have my hide for missing dinner!”

    (The sweet looking little kid looks back and smiles.)

    Daughter: “Well, nana’s cooking sucks anyway.”

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