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    Next Time, Just Leave The Vice Out Of Advice

    | New Jersey, USA | Family & Kids

    (In our store is a small deli that I work at. A man comes up, orders some ham, and converses with me as I prepare it for him.)

    Customer: “Are you in college?”

    Me: “Yes, actually, this job helps me pay for it.”

    Customer: “What are you studying? Nursing?”

    Me: “English, actually.”

    Customer: “That’s no good. All the smartest women have been going into nursing or medicine or fields like that. You won’t get any money studying English.”

    Me: “Um, I sure hope not, but I’ll see. I’m only a freshman after all. I may change majors.”

    (I try to turn back to my work, a little embarrassed, but he keeps talking.)

    Customer: “Yep, my daughter went into nursing after I insisted she study it. She even worked as a doctor’s assistant for six months!”

    Me: “That’s good to hear. Is she still in school?”

    Customer: “No, she actually dropped out right after that and has some bad drug issues right now, but I don’t think it’ll last long.”

    Me: *shocked* “Oh…well…I hope she recovers soon.”

    Customer: “It’s not a problem. She’ll be a nurse if I have any say about it. And I hope you reconsider too!”

    Say My Name, (Don’t) Say My Name

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (I work at a call center as a customer service representative for prepaid debit cards, payroll cards and rewards cards.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. My name is Jordan. May I have your card number, please?”

    Customer: “Jordan, huh? Like the river?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, in that case, I’d love to take a swim in your river, honey.”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “Please, you don’t have to call me sir. Call me [first name].”

    Me: “Alright, [first name].”

    Customer: “Oh, I love the way you say my name. Could you say it again?”

    Me: “I beg your pardon? Is there anything I can do for you today?”

    Customer: “No, Jordan. I’m fine.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, thank you for calling [company] and you enjoy your day, sir.”

    Customer: “Now, Jordan, what did I say about that?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I meant [first name].”

    Customer: “There we go. Thank you, Jordan. Bye bye, now!”

    When Customers Get Cheeky

    | Washington, USA |

    (I work retail and I am leading a customer to the fitting room. I usually end up walking in front of customers on the way to the back of the store and this is the conversation that takes place.)

    Customer: “May I ask you a personal question?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah, I guess.”

    Customer: “Is your butt fake?”

    Me: “Excuse me?!”

    Customer: “Your butt. Are you wearing padded underwear or do you have implants?”

    Me: “Wow…no. My butt is real, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I was just wondering, because it seems too big and perfect to be real! You go girl!”

    Me: “Thanks…”

    Fresh From The Ocean, Into Your Mouth

    | Iowa City, IA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I am a waiter in a sushi bar in Iowa.)

    Customer: “Do you guys catch your own fish?”

    It Blows Hard

    | Bismarck, ND, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am working at the counter of a slushie shop in our mall.)

    Me: “What’s all the hustle about out there?”

    Customer: “Oh, they brought in the coolest thing this morning. It’s a hurricane stimulator!”

    Me: “A stimulator?”

    Customer: “Yes, it stimulates hurricanes! You have to try it out.”

    Me: “I’ll be sure to do that. Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “Oh, I will! That hurricane stimulated me to the max!”

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