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    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 3

    | OK, USA |

    (I work as a tech support agent for a cell phone company.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support! My name is Steven. May I please have the ten digit telephone number you’re calling about today?”

    (The customer rattles off the number.)

    Me: “Thank you! What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “You can fix my d*** phone, that’s what!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having issues with your phone, sir. What exactly is going on?”

    (The customer proceeds to explain the issue, with a good deal of vulgarity involved.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, that’s actually a known issue with the phone. I can walk you through some steps to get it fixed.”

    Customer: “Don’t give me that s***! Just turn the f***ing dial or whatever!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I know you have a dial or a knob or something to make my phone connect! Just f***ing push it!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Here’s what we need to do. Type in this code, exactly the way I tell you. When it comes back up, let me know. This will let me connect to your phone, and make sure it’s tied to the tower. Now, it might erase some of your data on the phone. It’s a new method we’re trying out.”

    (I give him the steps to reset the phone, which is exactly what we’re supposed to do to fix the problem.)

    Customer: “Finally!”

    (He punches in the code. We wait for the phone to reboot. I’m quietly typing notes into the account.)

    Customer: “It’s back up now.”

    Me: “Great, sir! I’m going to push the button to reconnect you now!”

    (I put the headset microphone close to my keyboard, and pound on a button. I make a nice, loud CLICK sound.)

    Me: “Okay, try making a call to our test number.”

    (I give him the test number. The customer dials the number and gets the automated response.)

    Me: “Alright then, sir. Looks like you’re back up and running! Was there anything else?”

    Customer: “No, that’s it. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about the button.” *hangs up*

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2
    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

    No ID, No Idea, Part 8

    | Greenville, SC, USA |

    (I work security at a nightclub.)

    Me: “ID, please.”

    (I look at the customer’s ID.)

    Me: “Sir, are you sure you want to use this ID?”

    Customer: “It’s mine. I’m old enough.”

    Me: “I don’t think so, sir. And, if I’m right, you’ll be spending time explaining things to the nice officer in the office.”

    Customer: “That’s my ID and I’m 21.”

    Me: “Okay, let’s go.”

    (I begin escorting him to the office.)

    Customer: “I don’t get it. What was the problem with it?”

    Me: “Well, for starters, I’ve seen a lot of IDs come through here. I’m not aware of any state that uses photos with a beach scene background.”

    No ID, No Idea, Part 7
    No ID, No Idea, Part 6
    No ID, No Idea, Part 5
    No ID, No Idea, Part 4
    No ID, No Idea, Part 3
    No ID, No Idea, Part 2
    No ID, No Idea

    Needs A Seeing-Eye-To-Eye Dog

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (Our dog boarding is less than $30/night. A client walks into my office while I am on the phone, and immediately begins tapping her foot impatiently. I smile at her and indicate that I will be with her in just a moment. I hang up and turn to her.)

    Me: “Hello, Mrs. [name]. Welcome home! You’re here to pick Molly from boarding, right?”

    Client: “Finally. What’s the damage this time? I swear every time I bring her in, your prices get higher.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry you feel that way. Actually just so you know, ma’am, our prices haven’t changed since we moved into this facility three years ago.”

    Client: “Exactly! You all are just trying to pay for your new building by hiking up prices for your clients. You should be ashamed! I have been a client for years! I should be entitled to some privileges!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry. I have to charge all our clients the same price. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.”

    (The client begins tapping her foot again, glaring at the floor.)

    Me: “Well, with eight nights of boarding and a bath, the total comes to [total]. Will that be cash or credit?”

    (The client throws her purse on the floor.)

    Client: “You’ve got to be f***ing kidding me! My hotel didn’t cost that much for the week I was gone! You dumb b***! I am not paying more for my dog’s hotel than I did for mine!”

    Me: “Less than $30/night for your hotel? Oh my, how lucky! I remember you telling me when you dropped Molly off that you were going to stay at the Four Seasons. That must have been some deal you scored! What booking website did you use, if you don’t mind me asking?”

    (The client turns red, looks away, and slides her credit card across the counter as she mumbles.)

    Client: “Forgot I told you that. I’ll be paying by card.”

    Taking Charge Of The Charges

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [bank]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I never received my statement this month! You are just sitting on it and waiting for me to be late! You want to rack up my rate and screw me over! You are even billing me for stuff I never bought!”

    Me: “Sir, what charge are you referring to?”

    Caller: “This one by [company].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m reviewing your account and I don’t see that charge on there.”

    Caller: “Are you stupid? I see it right here black and white! Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “No, sir. I do apologize. I’m just not able to see the charge you are referring to. Are you looking at the statement with that charge on it?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “Okay, so I’m going to pull up the statement you’re looking at, so I can see what you see. Is it the statement that says from this month to this month?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “And it has this balance at the top, and this transaction and this transaction on these dates?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, sir. I do see the charge here from [company]. It is showing as an escort service. It seems to be from the same company you always use. They just changed the way the name appears on the bill. Also, the statement in your hand is the one you just told me you never received. As we have now established you did in fact receive it, when can we expect the payment to be coming in?”

    Caller: *click*

    Failing The Sick Trick

    | Gaithersburg, MD, USA | Top

    Me: “Okay, sir. Your total is $87.19.”

    Customer: “I have cancer.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I have cancer. What’s my total now?”

    Me: “Still $87.19, sir.”

    Customer: “What? I’m dying from cancer and you’re going to charge me an outrageous amount?”

    Me: “Sir, my mother had cancer. She can’t smell or taste anything anymore. She doesn’t get a discount when we eat out just because she can’t smell or taste it.”

    Customer: “I refuse to pay full price.”

    Me: “How long have you been in treatment?”

    Customer: “Two years.”

    Me: “What kind of cancer?”

    Customer: “Lymphoma?”

    Me: “Hodgkin’s or Non?”

    Customer: “Non…?”

    Me: “Large cell or small cell?”

    Customer: “Large?”

    Me: ”I must say, sir, you have an amazing wig! I almost thought it was your real hair!”

    Customer: “This IS my real hair!”

    (The customer pauses, and then realizes what has happened.)

    Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out*

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