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  • Please Contact Manufacturer For Missing Parts

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Technology

    (I work for a major cable company troubleshooting internet problems over the phone. I am not sure if the customer in this story isn’t sober or just crazy, but he definitely isn’t right.)

    Me: “All right…let’s reconnect the cables to your router and we’ll have you back up in no time.”

    Customer: *distracted* “Hey, honey? How many fingers should I have?”

    Wife: *in the background* “You have five on each hand.”

    Customer: *panicking* “Oh, God! I’ve only got four and my thumb!” *to me* “I’m going to have to call you back. I need to dial 911 now!” *hangs up*

    At A Loss Either Way

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (Note: this is an office supply store.)

    Customer: “Do you sell condiments?”

    Me: *confused* “Condiments? Like ketchup and mustard? No.”

    Customer: “No, like, plastic forks.”

    Me: “You mean…cutlery?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Me: “No, we don’t sell cutlery either…”

    No Pain, No Vain

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Health & Body

    (A customer comes in to return a home leg waxing kit.)

    Me: “Can I ask why you are unsatisfied with this product?”

    Customer: “It hurts!”

    Me: “Yes, because waxing involves ripping the hair out by the roots.”

    Customer: “Well, it shouldn’t hurt!”

    Two Heads, Half A Brain

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Money

    (Two teenage girls, about fifteen years old, are in my store trying to buy perfume. On the counter, there are two bottles of our store brand perfume beside each other. There is a small bottle and there is a large bottle.)

    Me: “So, the large bottle is $25.00 and the small bottle is $15.00.”

    Customer #1: “Which bottle is the small one?”

    Me: *confused* “The smaller one of these two.”

    Customer #1: “Oh…”

    (The girls wander around the store and comment on how cute our sandals are.)

    Me: “Our sandals are really nice. They’re actually buy one, get one half off.”

    Customer #2: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “You buy one pair of sandals, and you get the second pair half off.”

    Customer #2: “Wait, what?!”

    (The girl looks at me genuinely confused. At this point, I have no other way to explain buy one get one half off, so I just repeat what I said.)

    Me: “You buy one pair of sandals, and you get the other for half the price.”

    Customer #1: “I don’t understand…”

    (The girls eventually give up. As they walk out of the store, I overhear them talking to each other.)

    Customer #1, to Customer #2: “I don’t get what ‘Buy one, get one half off’ means!”

    Never Get Between A Man And His Metabolism

    | Singapore | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “So, you can’t consume any food or drink after 12 midnight today—”

    Patient: “Do you want me to starve to death?”

    Me: “Actually, sir, you’re one of the earlier cases. Your reporting time is at 9:30 am.”

    Patient: “I’ll still starve to death! What the h*** are you people trying to do, kill me?!”

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