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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    A Whole New Grade Of Stupidity

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (An online math student is calling to complain about her grade. Her assignment was submitted three days late.)

    Me: “The assignment was late by three days. The 30% late penalty cost you 18 points.”

    Caller: “But it’s not right. 30% of 60 is not 18.”

    Me: “Yes, it is. Think of it as three times six.”

    Caller: *counting in a low voice* “Yeah, I guess it is. But the late penalty shouldn’t apply to me.”

    Me: “Why is that?”

    Caller: “Because I submitted the assignment BEFORE you graded it.”

    Re-Ink Needs A Rethink, Part 2

    | Sao Paulo, Brazil |

    (My phone rings a couple of hours after regular business hours. As I answer, an agitated customer is on the line.)

    Customer: “Help! I have to print an invoice report to deliver today. It says here that the printer cannot be found!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Can you tell me the printer’s network ID?”

    Customer: “Sure, it’s [printer ID]. Can you get it to work quickly?”

    (I proceed to check the printer software on the main server. I find some problems. I quickly fix them and get back to the customer.)

    Me: “Sir, I found a small problem on the printer software and fixed it. I need you to turn off the printer and turn it back on again, to synchronize it.”

    Customer: “What? I can’t!”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean you can’t?”

    Customer: “I can’t turn it off and back on! The printer is in my boss’s office. He already left for the day! The door is locked!”

    Me: “Does anyone there have the key to open the office?”

    Customer: “No! I’m alone in the building! What should I do?”

    Me: “Wait. Let me see if I get it: you can’t go to the printer because it is inside a locked room, and you need to print a report to deliver it today?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “How were you planning to get the printed report from the printer, anyway?”

    *long pause*

    Customer: “Never mind. I’ll print it tomorrow.”


    Re-Ink Needs A Rethink

    Yukon Call Them

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    Caller: “Hello, this is [name] from [company]. I’m calling to get the satellite hooked up.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you say that again?”

    Caller: “This is [name] from [company] in Guyana. You know, Guyana, South America. We ordered satellite service last week.”

    (Our company has nothing to do with satellites. We do not have service anywhere near Guyana. I explain as such to the caller.)

    Caller: “Oh. Well, where are you located? Brazil?”

    Me: “No, sir. We’re up in Canada.”

    Caller: “Oh dear, I DO have the wrong number, don’t I?”

    Yukon See It On A Map, Part 3
    Yukon Not Spend It
    Yukon Not Believe This Juan

    Should Be Throne Out

    | Miami, FL, USA | Top

    (The theater has four wheelchair spots in the back for those who cannot get out of their wheelchair. A wheelchair patron comes in. The seat listed on the ticket is for row H in the center. I assume that she is able to transfer out of her chair and guide herself to the row.)

    Me: “Here we are. When you are seated, I will take–”

    Customer: “Why is there a seat there?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I cannot get out of my wheelchair.”

    Me: “Oh, well in that case, let me show you to the ADA seating area.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want to sit back there! I won’t be able to see back there!”

    Me: “We can sometimes accommodate wheelchairs to the front–”

    Customer: “No! That is too close. I want to be in the center of the theater! Remove the chair that is there and let me sit in the seat I purchased!”

    Me: “But the seats are attached to the floor permanently. I can’t remove them.”

    Customer: “This is discrimination!”

    (The patron begins yelling obscenities at me. The House Manager comes to intervene.)

    House manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. That is the only way to accommodate you.”

    Customer: “This is unacceptable.”

    (The patron begins to wheel herself back up the aisle, finds it difficult, gets up, and pushes the empty chair back into the lobby.)

    Me: “I thought you couldn’t get out of your chair?”

    Customer: “I can, but I don’t want to!”

    Lost In No Translation, Part 2

    , | Newport Beach, CA, USA |

    Me: “What can I get you, sir?”

    Customer: “WHAT?!”

    Me: “What can I get you, sir?”

    Customer: “Ham and swiss on rye.”

    Me: “What would you like for your side?”

    Customer: “WHAT?!”

    Me: “What. Would. You. Like. For. Your. Side?”

    Customer: “Are you speaking French?”

    Lost In No Translation

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