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    We Like Our Innuendos Freshly Baked

    | Hagerstown, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I’m working check out as a gay couple comes up to my line with a dozen or so bananas.)

    Customer: “So, what do you think two gay men are going to do with this many bananas?”

    Me: *playing along* “Uh, make phallic jokes, then eat them?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah, but we’re making banana bread!”

    Please Placebo Me

    | Ocala, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I need some help over here!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “This salt is too salty!”

    Me: “But it’s salt, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! It’s too salty! You need to bring me a different shaker!”

    (I proceed to bring her another shaker, which is no different than the first.)

    Customer: “That’s better! Thank you!”

    Bow-Wow Bigotry

    | Kentucky, USA | Bigotry, Pets & Animals

    (At the doggie daycare, one of the play rooms has a glass window where customers can watch the dogs playing. We have a three-legged dog that is a daily regular in this playroom. I am working at the front desk. A customer, looking somewhat distressed, approaches the desk with a small child, who looks very distressed.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could remove that three-legged dog from the playroom for just a few minutes. My daughter wants to watch the dogs, but the three-legged one is freaking her out.”

    Me: “I…I’m sorry ma’am, but we cannot remove her. She is a regular here and she is getting along well with the other dogs. Her owner has paid us to let her play in there. We will not remove her because someone feels uncomfortable with her appearance.”

    Customer: “Fine. I guess you all don’t care about your customers after all!” *huffs off*

    Me: *speechless*

    We Need Signs In Stupid

    | Calgary, Canada | Extra Stupid

    (I am working at the security entrance of the airport. Baggage carts are not allowed into the gate area. I see a gentleman approaching with a cart and it doesn’t look like he is about to store it in the rack. Sure enough, he comes up to the entrance with his cart.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the cart is not allowed in the secure area. Please put it in the rack provided.”

    Passenger: “Well, there’s no sign.”

    (I point to one of the two signs framing our door clearly depicting a cart with a red circle and line running through it, indicating the cart was banned.)

    Passenger: “Well, it’s not in English!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s a pictograph. It’s supposed to be easily recognized and understood no matter what language you speak.”

    Passenger: “IT’S STILL NOT IN ENGLISH!”

    The Terrors Of Terminology

    | Guildford, Surrey, England, UK | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (People have all sorts of names for the sides, or temples, of spectacle frames. I have heard them called “legs”, “props”, “wings”, and “crutches”, among other things. A very strident woman marches into our practice with her teenage daughter in tow.)

    Customer: *loudly* “I want you to spread my daughter’s legs. They won’t go behind her ears.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer’s daughter: *speechless and cringing with embarrassment*

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

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