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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    If You Can’t Bring The Pizza To The Mountain…

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (Sometimes the customers that call are out of our delivery area. We have to find out which restaurant delivers to them.)

    Me: “What are your major cross streets?”

    Customer: “Federal and Quincy.”

    Me: “Okay. That could be one of two stores. Are you North or South of Quincy Avenue?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Alright. Can you face Quincy from where you are standing?”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Are the mountains on your left or your right?”

    Customer: “The mountains are in the west.”

    Me: “Yeah. But are they to your left or right when facing Quincy?”

    Customer: “They are in the west.”

    Me: “The mountains are always in the west. If the mountains are to the east of you, you aren’t in Denver.”

    Customer: “No. The mountains turn with me.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “The mountains are in the west.”

    Me: “Yeah, that would mean you’re in Denver. Now are they on your left or your right?”

    Customer: “I’m telling you, the mountains are in the west!”

    Me: “I’m not arguing the geography with you. I’m trying to find out where you are.”

    Customer: ”Never mind, you’re an idiot.” *click*

    It’s Not All Right

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    (A confused man is looking through the golf balls in the bin.)

    Me: “Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes…how can you tell the difference between left-handed and right-handed balls?”

    Working Drive-Thru Is A Scream

    , | Bristow, VA, USA |

    (I’m working the drive-thru window.)

    Me: “Hi, you had a number two with a coke. That’ll be $6.45.”

    Customer: “Okay, sure.”

    (She rummages in her wallet.)

    Me: “Thanks.”

    (I gather her change.)

    Customer: *screaming in my face* “I’m paying! I’m paying!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I know you’re paying. I’m just getting your change. They’re bagging your order right now.”

    Customer: “Okay, great.”

    (There is a pause while I check her order. Suddenly, I hear her screaming.)

    Me: *very concerned* “Ma’am? What’s wrong?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You screamed.”

    Customer: “No, I didn’t.”

    Me: “You definitely did. The whole drive-thru staff heard you.”

    Customer: “You’re mistaken.”

    Me: “Okay then. Here’s your food. Number two with a soda. Can I get you any condiments?”

    Customer: *screaming in my face* “I’m eating! I’m eating!”

    Me: “So, no condiments?”

    Customer: *bellowing* “Goodbye! GOODBYE!”

    One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 3

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Caller: “I think someone stole my identity!”

    Me: “What happened?”

    Caller: “I clicked on an email that said it from a girl named Chrisy from some dating site. I don’t go on those kinds of sites. But it came to me, so I’m not sure if this is a virus.”

    Me: “Spammers can fake the recipient info. They can make it look like it’s coming from and going to anyone. Don’t worry.”

    Caller: “But it says my name.”

    Me: “Well, it’s a fairly common name. It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

    Caller: “I guess. So, did I download a virus?”

    Me: “Not likely, unless you clicked to the linked website or you opened an attachment. Did you do that?”

    Caller: “No! I don’t do that! Can you come over and run my anti-virus checker just in case?”

    Me: “I can connect remotely and run it, yes.”

    Caller: “Thanks. I can never be too careful with these invisible Russian thugs.”

    One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 2
    One Annoyed Paranoid

    A Whole New Grade Of Stupidity

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (An online math student is calling to complain about her grade. Her assignment was submitted three days late.)

    Me: “The assignment was late by three days. The 30% late penalty cost you 18 points.”

    Caller: “But it’s not right. 30% of 60 is not 18.”

    Me: “Yes, it is. Think of it as three times six.”

    Caller: *counting in a low voice* “Yeah, I guess it is. But the late penalty shouldn’t apply to me.”

    Me: “Why is that?”

    Caller: “Because I submitted the assignment BEFORE you graded it.”

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