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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    It’s Curtains For You

    | CA, USA |

    (I am walking the store. I see a woman digging through our curtain panels.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for more of these curtains. You had them the other day, and I came back today to buy them.”

    (She shows me a curtain. I realize she’s in the wrong section.)

    Me: “Oh, okay. Those are actually over here.”

    (I lead her over to where the panels should be, but the space is empty.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like we’re out of stock. I can check the computer to be sure, but it looks like somebody else bought them.”

    Customer: “No, nobody could have bought them.”

    (She goes back to digging through the shelves.)

    Me: “They wouldn’t be over there, though. If we had them in stock, they would be right here.”

    Customer: “No, they wouldn’t. The other day when I was in here I hid them so no one else would buy them.”

    Me: “You hid the panels?”

    Customer: “Yes. So, can you help me find them?”

    A Need To Be Lifted

    | MD, USA |

    Me: “This undergarment style has been discontinued. These are the last two.”

    Customer: “You only have two?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “You’re telling me that until Jesus comes, these are the only bras I can wear?!”

    Me: “…yes.”

    Cows Live Off The Fat Of The Land

    | Birmingham, England, UK |

    Customer: “Can you tell me which milk is full fat, please?”

    Me: “Of course. It’s this one with the blue lid.”

    Customer: “But that says 4%. I don’t want 4%. I want full fat.”

    Me: “The 4% means that 4% of the milk is fat, which is all of the fat milk has in it to begin with.”

    Customer: “But I want full fat milk, not 4%.”

    Me: “If it was 100%, then it would just be a bottle of fat, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand all this new healthy stuff…”

    When Call Center Levels Reach Their Ceiling

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Hello. This is [station]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I live in a condo, and there is a leak in the pipes. Water is leaking behind the living room wall and building management won’t fix it.”

    Me: “Okay. Why are you calling the police?”

    Caller: “Well, it’s an emergency. They won’t fix it. They say it’s my problem because the leak is in my unit.”

    Me: “Have you called a plumber?”

    Caller: “No. It’s an emergency. That’s why I called you. If the water keeps leaking, the ceiling could fall in.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you think the ceiling is going to fall in, leave your unit and call a plumber.”

    Caller: “But I need help now!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s your choice. If you think you’re in danger, leave your unit. Unless you’re being crushed by falling sheet rock, this is not a police matter. Please hang up and call a plumber.”

    Caller: “So, if the ceiling falls on me, I can call you back?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “Okay, thanks.” *click*

    What You Don’t Nose Can’t Hurt You

    | Pannawonica, WA, Australia |

    Customer: “Can I get forty cents worth of Chicos?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I start putting gloves on.)

    Customer: “Oh, you don’t need to put gloves on.”

    Me: “Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t pick your nose anymore than I do.”

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