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    For Spanish Press 2, For Telepaths Press 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. May I have your account number?”

    Caller: “You may.”

    *pause*

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Oh, did you need me read it aloud to you?”

    Me: “Yes, please.”

    Caller: “It is [account number].”

    Me: “Thank you. And for security, could I ask you to confirm the mailing address on the account?”

    Caller: “Yep.”

    *pause again*

    Caller: “Oh, did you mean I have to read that too?”

    Pre(Car)ious Insurance, Part 5

    | Doylestown, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Do I still have insurance? Or am I cancelled?”

    Me: “It looks like the policy cancelled last month due to non-payment.”

    Customer: “Oh, no. Well, can I make a payment now?”

    (I take payment for the customer.)

    Customer: “Okay. I am going to hand you over to this police officer to verify that I now have insurance.”

    (I speak with the officer and assure her the customer has made the payment and is now insured. The customer gets back on the phone.)

    Customer: “So, I see all of this stuff on ‘safe driving discounts’ on TV. Do I qualify for that?”

    Related:
    Pre(Car)ious Insurance, Part 4
    Pre(Car)ious Insurance, Part 3
    Pre(Car)ious Insurance, Part 2
    Pre(Car)ious Insurance

    Escort This One Away

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (A customer is claiming fraud on his CC for two charges from an adult escort service. He has his card, but I show the charges with the card present. He lives in California, and the charges are from Colorado. I call the merchant and can prove this isn’t fraud. The customer is trying to get out of paying his bill. There’s a charge from a Colorado towing service, then the escort charges.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding, sir. I am about to update the information. I just need to go over a few other things here before we can continue. I see a charge for a towing service for. Is that a valid charge you made?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s mine. That’s a valid charge.”

    Me: “Did you go to Colorado recently? And stay at the Golden Hotel, in room 222?”

    Customer: *realizing I’ve done my homework* “…yes.”

    Me: “Sir, I called the merchant. I asked them how they verify their transactions. They verified your name, address, phone number, and driver’s license. They have a copy of the license, an imprint of your card, and they verified what hotel you were staying at. Everything matches. This is not fraud. You’re going to have to dispute with the merchant.”

    Customer: “But, that’s not my charge. I don’t live in Colorado.”

    Me: “Sir, I have nothing that proves to me that this is fraud. Unless you have more information you’re not giving me, we can’t take this as fraud for services you received. Did you not receive any services?”

    Customer: “So, I have to call the merchant. Goodbye.” *click*

    Kramer Vs Dracula

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [law firm]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering. Is there any precedent with custody cases involving Satanic vampire covens?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Satanic vampire covens.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m looking to get custody of my child from my ex-wife because she’s recently joined a Satanic vampire coven. I have photographic evidence of her wearing ceremonial robes and drinking human blood. Is there anything I can do?”

    Me: “I’m not sure. Let me go ask someone.”

    Customer: “Ah, nevermind. I’ll just figure it out myself.” *click*

    It’s Not All Right, Part 2

    | Morgantown, WV, USA |

    (The customer is checking out at my register for her purchase. She pays by credit card.)

    Me: “I just need your signature on this slip and then we’ll be all set.”

    (The customer is having a difficult time getting the pen to write. Before I can explain that it’s the kind of paper we use, she comes up with her own conclusion.)

    Customer: “I can’t get the pen to write. It must not be a left-handed pen.”

    Related:
    It’s Not All Right


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