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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Happy Spanksgiving

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Holidays, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog—who stay with my parents while I’m at college—falls out.)

    Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

    (The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

    TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

    Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

    TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

    Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

    Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

    Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

    (The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

    Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord girl, what will your parents think?!”

    TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”

    Locked, Off The Clock, And Blocked

    | California, USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m a night auditor at a hotel. I’m doing some paperwork at 4am when a mildly perturbed customer comes to the front desk. He says that his key isn’t working, so I reprogram it and he leaves. He comes back a few minutes later, fuming, saying that the key is still not working. I decide to go to his room and try it myself, and confirm that it’s not working. I try my master key, but still nothing.)

    Me: “I’m sorry about this, sir. I’ll get the maintenance guy up here in a few minutes. He’s off the clock, but lives in the hotel.”

    Guest: “So, what are you going to do to fix this? Are you going to comp my room? Do you just want to give me some blankets and pillows so I can sleep on the f***ing floor?!”

    Me: “Like I said, sir, the maintenance guy is on his way. If this is our fault, we can gladly give you a discount pending manager approval.”

    Guest: “See that you do! This is f***ing ridiculous!”

    (I return to the front desk, and the maintenance guy comes to pick up his tools. He starts to walk towards the room when the customer bursts in.)

    Guest: “I demand to see a manager!”

    Me: “Sorry, but the manager isn’t in right now.”

    Guest: “Then give me your name!” *snaps his fingers at the maintenance guy* “And you, hurry your a** up! Freaking ridiculous!”

    (10 minutes later, the poor maintenance guy comes back to the front desk.)

    Me: “How’d it go?”

    Maintenance Guy: “You were right; he was an a**hole.”

    Me: “I told you. What happened with the door? Did you get it open?”

    Maintenance Guy: “You’re not going to believe this. I start to jimmy the door open, and the noise woke the guy’s grandma, who was sleeping inside, and had hard-locked the door. She opened the door, I flipped the lock, and the key worked perfectly.”

    Me: “Wow. Did he say anything?”

    Maintenance Guy: “He still wanted a full refund!”

    Gamers Have To Band Together

    | NJ, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Geeks Rule, Musical Mayhem, Top

    (A demo for Rock Band has been set up at the electronics store I work at. I hang around the game section to answer questions and help out. I see two kids, about 8 or 9, who are playing the guitars on easy, while a very pregnant lady is playing drums. I assume they’re all together until another woman storms up.)

    Woman: *to the boys* “I told you not to play these games! They’re bad for you!” *turns to the pregnant lady* “You’re setting a bad example! Don’t you know how horrible video games are for kids?! Your poor child!”

    Pregnant Lady: *smiling, but not stopping* “Actually, music proficiency is linked to having advantages in math and study skills and video games, and when used correctly can instill time management and problem solving skills.” *does a difficult drum riff* “If my ‘poor child’ does half as well as his gamer parents, he’ll have at least two degrees, and a successful medical career.”

    (The pregnant lady finishes the song, scores 90% on expert, and gets up. She smiles and leaves the demo. I held up my fist on the way out and she fist-bumped me. The other woman couldn’t pull her two kids away fast enough.)

    Weekly Roundup: Animals!

    Not Always Right | Pets & Animals, Roundups

    Animals! This week, we feature five stories with customers involving animals!

    1. When Stupid People Attack (4,941 Thumbs Up)
      Nothing can go wrong when a bored zoo visitor asks to poke a thousand-pound bear with a stick. Nothing at all!
    2. Hiss-terical Contest (3,892 Thumbs Up)
      If you’re gonna challenge an animal to a staring contest, it’s best to make sure they have eyelids first.
    3. Goldilocks Is Better Off With The Bears (2,642 Thumbs Up)
      These camping parents’ understanding of childcare is nearly un-bear-able!
    4. Suffering From A Reptile Dysfunction (1,641 Thumbs Up)
      “There be dragons” is taken at face value by this conservatory visitor.
    5. Customer’s A Real Dodo (2,501 Thumbs Up)
      Some pet store customers can be dodo-heads when it comes to extinct creatures!

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    Hospitality Is Going South

    | LA, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [restaurant]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I have some questions about a party coming in next week.”

    (I pull up our reservation book and review the information with the guest. She is very agitated, and makes a request that we are unable to take care of.)

    Me: “No ma’am. I’m afraid we have no way to do that. If you—”

    Customer: “How dare you! Don’t talk to me that way! I know exactly what you are doing! I hate it when you Southerners use ‘ma’am’! Don’t think I don’t know what you mean!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I am so f***ing sick of your fake southern bulls***! I moved down here with my husband. He’s from here and I’m not. I’m so sick of you people calling me ‘ma’am’! I know that you aren’t really being polite, you’re being ugly to me and trying to pretend it’s polite so I won’t know what you’re f***ing doing! But I’m not a f***ing idiot. You are the rudest b**** I’ve ever met, you and all you other southern b*****s. F*** you!”

    (She hangs up and I am left thinking how sad her husband’s life must be. 15 minutes later, I get a phone call from the same woman.)

    Customer: *sheepishly* “I’m sorry. My husband heard the whole thing and demanded I apologize. He told me everyone in the South uses ‘ma’am’, and it’s just good manners. I just moved here with him and I can’t make any friends!”

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