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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Love Can Drive You Crazy

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Bizarre, Holidays

    (It’s Valentine’s Day, and my mom is getting a new cell phone. Except for the salesman, my mother, and me, the store is empty. We are making small talk as he is setting it up.)

    Salesman: “…yeah, my neighbor’s been really mad at me lately. It’s weird.”

    (Suddenly, a lady bursts into the store, COMPLETELY decked out in Valentine’s Day wear. She even had those little heart antennae things that little kids wear.)

    Valentine’s lady: “I just saw your commercial on TV, and my daughter’s phone is all messed up! It’s your fault! My daughter’s phone is all messed up and now she can’t call! Your commercial is misleading! You have TERRIBLE MARKETING!”

    (Without another word, she storms out.)

    Me: “Was that your neighbor?”

    Salesman: “I have no idea who that was…”

    Thank You, Please Call Again

    | Deschutes, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

    Caller: “Why don’t you have your phone number listed on your site? I hunted all over the place for it. I finally had to call information to get the number!”

    Me: “With all due respect sir, we do have the number on the site.”

    Caller: “You do not! And I still have the page up on the screen on my computer. I can prove it!”

    Me: “You do? Sir, could you please do me a favor and go look at our page on the screen?”

    Caller: “Well, fine, but I don’t see where that’s going to help any!”

    Me: “Sir, please…if anything, just humor me. Please go look at our page on your computer.”

    Caller: “Well, okay. I am here now. What did you want to show me?!”

    Me: “Look at the beginning of the page. It’s in great big bold letters, right about eye level. Please tell me, what does it say?”

    Caller: “It says, ‘To Contact Us, Please Call 877-77…”

    *pause*

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Your Degree Doesn’t Add Up To Much

    | Glasgow, Scotland, UK | Math & Science, Money

    Me: “Sir, a drink costs £1.85 and you’ve given me £1.70.”

    Customer: “So, that’s not enough?”

    Me: “It’s a good start…”

    Customer: “But I study mathematics!”

    Don’t Prune The Tree Of Knowledge

    | Kaysville, UT, USA | Crazy Requests

    (I work at a university extension where we offer broadcast courses. A gruff guy walks up to the front desk. His speech is a little hard to understand.)

    Man: “So, can you guys teach me how to prune?”

    Coworker: “Print?”

    Man: “No, prune.”

    Me: “Uh, sorry, this is a university.”

    Man: “How can I get you guys to come prune my trees for free?”

    Me: *speechless*

    Always Right, Everywhere

    | London, UK | At The Checkout

    (I am ringing up a customer’s order at a very busy store.)

    Customer: “Those jeans are coming up as £79.99 when they should be £39.99.”

    Me: “Okay, in that case, I will just change them for you. It’s the first day of our sale and it sometimes takes our computers a while to adjust all the prices.”

    Customer: “You should apologize to me. In my country, we would apologize for a mistake like that.”

    Me: “Well, as I said, it is not really an error on my part, just a computer issue. But as you can see, I have changed the price for you.”

    Customer: “I know it’s not your fault but you should say sorry to me. Where I come from, we would apologize for that sort of thing!” *grumbling under breath* “Stupid b****.”

    Me: “What was that? I don’t quite think I caught that last part.”

    Customer: “Oh, nothing! Just talking to myself! And I still think you should apologize. This is ridiculous!” *swears more under her breath*

    Me: “Here’s your order! I am glad we avoided an international incident today. Have a fantastic day!”

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