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    Staying (Six Feet) Under The Radar

    | Orono, ME, USA | Family & Kids

    (Note: I work at a college financial aid office, and am speaking with the parents of a student.)

    Parent: “And why do you need my information?”

    Me: “We need the parents’ information for dependent students because they are still technically relying on their parents.”

    Parent: “What if I was dead?”

    Me: “But sir, you’re not dead.”

    Parent: “But what if I was dead? What if I die?”

    Me: “Well, sir, both parents would need to die and you are, in fact, not dead.”

    Parent: *angrily* “Fine, I’ll send the information!” *click*

    Please Consult The Chameleon Circuit

    | Melbourne, Australia | Geeks Rule, Top

    (We’re a science fiction specialty bookstore. We also have a few other odds’n'ends around the store from series that do well, including several bits of Doctor Who merchandise.)

    Me: “Can I help you today, sir?”

    Customer: “All of your Doctor Who stuff is bootlegged!”

    Me: “I assure you it’s not, sir. As you can see, it has the BBC logo on it.”

    Customer: “They can print anything in China. This TARDIS is a total knock off!”

    Me: “Possibly, but we source our merchandise from reputable distributors located in the US & UK. We’re using the same suppliers that the [National Broadcaster] store uses for its Doctor Who merchandise.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! This is all fake! And you know how I can tell? Phoneboxes are RED!”

    It’s High Time To Lay Off The Drugs

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?

    Customer: “Yeah, when do you start lunch?”

    Me: “At 10:30, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Okay, so can I get [large lunch meal]?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, it’s still breakfast.”

    Customer: “But you just said you start lunch at 10:30!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but it’s not 10:30 yet.”

    Customer: “What time is it?”

    Me: “6:00 am, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *long pause* “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was this high when I left the house!”

    Common Courtesy Goes Up In Smoke

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A woman comes in to get a refund on a purchase she had just made about 10 minutes ago. However, our company does not offer refunds—only store credits or exchanges.)

    Customer: “I don’t want this anymore. Give me my money back.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I can’t give you your money back. It’s company policy, but I would be more than happy to let you exchange the item or receive a store credit for the same amount.”

    Customer: “No! I said I want my money back. No exchange, no store credit. I want cash back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. That’s not possible.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous and illegal! I want my money back right now. I need to buy some smokes!”

    Me: “I’m sorr—”

    Customer: “How am I gonna get my smokes now? I have no money now to buy them because I bought this shirt. So, are you gonna give me some smokes? Do you have any smokes for me?!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sor–”

    Customer: “You better buy me some smokes or give me some money to buy smokes, or else!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to relax. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you.”

    Customer: “Are you gonna give me some smokes?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Well are you?! You took my smoke money and now you won’t give it back, so you better give me some smokes instead. You stole from me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Whatever! Give me a store credit then. I guess I’ll have to go without smokes today!”

    (I perform the return and issue a store credit.)

    Me: “Have a good night, ma’am.”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff, cursing and swearing about smokes*

    Physically Checked In, Mentally Checked Out

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I’m almost done checking in a hotel guest and am giving them the customary closing spiel.)

    Me: “We have a full hot buffet breakfast from 6-10 AM, which is included in your room rate. There is wireless internet throughout, with no password needed to log on. The pool, hot-tub, and gym are at the end of the hallway on the first floor here, and is open from 8 AM to 10 PM. Please let me know if you have any questions. Someone is at the desk 24/7.”

    Guest: “Thank you so much. You’ve been so helpful!”

    Me: “Okay, here are your room keys. The room number is written inside and the elevator is around the corner.”

    Guest: “Great, thanks! Oh, I was just wondering, do you have a breakfast?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we do. It’s from 6-10 AM tomorrow, down here next to the lobby in the breakfast room.”

    (I point to room right next to lobby.)

    Guest: “Okay. Now, I have a laptop. Do you have wireless internet and what’s the password to log on?”

    Me: “Yes, there’s wireless throughout the hotel; there is no password.”

    Guest: “Where’s your gym? Are you open now?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s open until 10 PM. It’s down the hallways.”

    Guest: “Oh, okay. I just wanted to ask everything before you went home for the day because there’s no one here after midnight, I assume.”

    Me: “As I mentioned, there is someone at the desk 24/7.”

    (The guest’s girlfriend/wife, who has been waiting in the car, comes in.)

    Wife: “What’s taking so long?”

    Guest: “I have to ask all these questions because she didn’t tell me anything about the hotel when I checked in!”

    Me: *shakes head and just smiles*

    Guest: “Oh, where’s our room number? You never told me it!”

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