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    The Elephant In The Room

    | Fergus, ON, Canada | Bizarre

    (An older customer brings up washer fluid.)

    Me: “Hi, sir, will this be all?”

    Customer: “Yes.” *whispers* “It’s good for keeping the elephants away.”

    Me: “Oh…well, have a nice day!”

    Human Interaction Is For Slackers

    | Normal, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [bank]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need my balance.”

    Me: “Sure, do you have your account number?”

    Customer: “Don’t you have a phone number I can call where I don’t have to talk to a live person?”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but I’d be more than happy to check that balance for you.”

    Customer: “No, I’ll just take that other number.”

    Me: “Okay, it’s [phone number].”

    Customer: “Thanks! Now, I don’t need to talk to a live person!”

    Doctor, We’ve Got A Serious Case Of Self Loathing

    | Missouri, USA | Technology

    (This occurs at the end of a tech support call. I’ve taken the customer through troubleshooting steps that worked, resulting in the customer being back online. He’s followed instructions better than a lot of people I talk to.)

    Customer: *dejectedly* “Thanks for helping me. I’m just so stupid.”

    Me: “No, no, you did great! You got it working!”

    Customer: *incredibly sadly* “Yeah, but you had to tell me everything!”

    Me: *trying hard to cheer him up* “Well, this is my job; I was trained for this. I’m sure you know things about your job that I wouldn’t know!”

    Customer: “No, I’m stupid at my job, too…”

    More Repulsive Than Attractive

    | California, USA | Language & Words

    (I overhear a coworker, who is currently on the register, talking with a customer as he hands her the food she just paid for.)

    Coworker: “Here you go ma’am. Have a nice night!”

    Customer: “Can I get one of those maggots?”

    Coworker: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “A maggot!”

    Coworker: “I don’t understand what you’re asking for.”

    Customer: “One of the maggots you have all over your fridge!” *points at our drink refrigerator*

    Coworker: “Oh! A magnet. Sure! Let me get you one…”

    Guilty As Charged

    | Herndon, VA, USA | Technology

    Caller: “My phone went off and won’t go back on! And now, it’s threatening to arrest me or something!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it’s threatening…to arrest you?”

    Caller: “Yes! It says I’m being charged with battery!”

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