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    Practice Safe Lunch, Use A Condiment

    | Indiana, USA |

    (A very attractive woman approaches me at my office desk.)

    Customer: “Where can I find the condoms…oh, never mind. I see them.”

    (She walks over, grabs a bottle of ketchup, and checks out.)

    Donuts Or Donuts, There Is No Try

    | Manila, Philippines | Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

    Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

    (Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

    Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

    (The caller gets back on the phone.)

    Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

    Me: “Um, alright, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

    Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”

    Don’t Mind The Behind

    | Miami, FL, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a hostess at a restaurant. Many of the employees wear headsets to communicate with each other. It’s a busy Friday night and I’m walking an English gentleman over to his table.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, why do you have a red light on your backside?”

    (I look around and realize what he’s talking about.)

    Me: “Oh, it’s my headset. The light just indicates that it is on.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (I drop him off at his table and leave laughing. Later, the server for his table comes up to me…)

    Server: “He asked me, ‘Do you have a red bottom too?’”

    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 8

    | Onley, VA, USA |

    (I work in the electronics department of a large retail chain.)

    Customer: “Hello, I was looking to find the new Twilight.”

    Me: “All of our Twilight movies are located over here. I can show you–”

    Customer: “I need to find Breaking Dawn.”

    Me: “Oh, well, our book department is this way–”

    Customer: “No, no, no! I have the book already. I need the movie!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but Breaking Dawn doesn’t come out until Friday.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll just come back then.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I meant it comes out in theaters on Friday.”

    Customer: “So, you won’t have the DVD by Christmas?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no.”

    Customer: “That’s just confusing! Why would the book come out before the movie?! It’s so weird!”

    Related:
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 7
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 6
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 5
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy

    Shaken, Not Stirred

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA |

    (Okahoma has been getting a few earthquakes lately and apparently not everyone is used to them yet.)

    Me: “911, where is your emergency?”

    Caller: “Yeah, um, I’d like to report that my house just shook.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, that was an earthquake. Is anyone injured?”

    Caller: “Oh! Is THAT what that was? Nevermind!”

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