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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    What You Don’t Nose Can’t Hurt You

    | Pannawonica, WA, Australia |

    Customer: “Can I get forty cents worth of Chicos?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I start putting gloves on.)

    Customer: “Oh, you don’t need to put gloves on.”

    Me: “Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t pick your nose anymore than I do.”

    Take No Account Of This One

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    Caller: “Are you going out of business?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. But we are just about to merge with another large bank. Maybe that’s what you’re referring to?”

    Caller: “No, no. I need to know are you going out of business. Is [bank] going bankrupt? Because if so, I need to take all my money out before that happens!”

    Me: “I can assure you, ma’am, we’re not. [Bank] is actually doing very well at the moment. Can I ask what gave you that impression?”

    Caller: “I went to withdraw funds at your ATM late last night, and it said I couldn’t get any money!”

    Me: “Oh wait, the ATM in our drive-thru? That ATM actually did run out of money last night, but we refilled it this morning.”

    Caller: “I knew it! You are running out of money! I need to come in and close my accounts right away!”

    Me: “I think you misunderstood. We had an unusual amount of withdrawals at that ATM last night, so it ran out of $20s to give out. The bank itself is fine.”

    Caller: “You can’t backtrack and fool me! I’m coming in later today to speak with your manager and close out all of my accounts!”

    Young And (Alcohol) Free

    | MI, USA |

    Customer: *holding a bottle of wine* “Are you old enough to sell me this?”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    (I reach out to take the bottle, but he refuses to hand it to me.)

    Customer: “Are you sure that you’re old enough?”

    Me: “Yes. I wouldn’t be a cashier otherwise. I’m pretty sure you only have to be eighteen.”

    Customer: “Are you eighteen?”

    Me: “Nineteen, yes. Would you like me to sell you it?”

    (The customer finally releases his hold on the wine. I begin to scan.)

    Customer: “Are you sure you’re allowed to? You look pretty young.”

    Me: “I’m old enough.”

    Customer: “Do I get a discount for calling you young?”

    Losing Their Marbles

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    (I work at a marble slab creamery. It is a type of ice cream store that allows customers to mix in candies, cookies, etc with their ice cream while it’s kept cold on a frozen marble mixing slab.)

    Customer: “Hi there. I was just wondering what the name of this store meant. I never understand these metaphor names.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, the name is about as literal as it gets. We mix the ice cream on a marble slab.”

    Customer: “Oh, so it’s an allegory.”

    Stupidity Just A Stone’s Throw Away

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for the birthstone for May.”

    Me: “Well, the birthstone for May is emerald, but we don’t carry any emeralds.”

    (The customer walks over and looks in the case. She sees a green stone.)

    Customer: “What about this green one?”

    Me: “Oh! That’s peridot. That’s the birthstone for August.”

    Customer: “Who’s August?”


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