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    This Side Uppity

    | Florida, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I work in a fairly ritzy upper-end wine store. We get a lot of customers coming in with partial information about the wine they’re looking for, but we can usually help them find it. Sometimes, not so much.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, I bought a case of wine here last month, and I’d like another. I don’t remember the name, but I remember where in France it’s from.”

    (Our French wines are organized by the part of France that the wines are from, so this is very helpful.)

    Me: “Okay, perhaps you’ll recognize the bottle when we get to that section. Where’s it from?”

    Customer: “The ‘cote a ouvrir.’”

    Me: “Do you mean Côtes du Rhône, or Côtes du Ventoux, or one of the Côtes appellations in Burgundy, perhaps?”

    Customer: “I know d*** well I bought wine here last month, and the box said ‘cote a ouvrir!’”

    Me: “I’m sure it did, ma’am. That’s French for ‘open this side.’”

    Customer: “Yes! Where do you keep the French wines that say ‘cote a ouvrir?’”

    Me: *gestures to the section we’re in* “About two thirds of these will say that.”

    Customer: “So, it’s not very helpful?”

    Me: “Not as such, no.”

    We’ll Need A Mop To Soak Up All The Bigotry

    | Toronto, Ontario, Canada | Bigotry, Top

    (I am doing a product demonstration show and I decide to do a character because it makes the job go by fast and it’s more fun. While doing a demonstration in my “Getting Married” character, an old woman in her late 80s takes a mop from me. As she’s about to buy it, she asks me a few questions.)

    Customer: “So, you’re getting married? Oh, that’s lovely. What’s your fella like?”

    Me: “Julia is a girl and she is the love of my life. We’re getting married in November.”

    Customer: “A girl? You’re a dy**?”

    Me: “I prefer lesbian, but yes, I am.”

    Customer: “A DY** SOLD ME A MOP!”

    (The woman proceeds to toss the mop at me and then go get a manager.)

    Customer: “Did you know that you have a dy** working here?”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I don’t think she appreciates you calling her that.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want a God d*** dy** selling me things that I need. I can’t take them if she sells it to me.”

    Manager: “Why don’t I get one of my associates to ring you through?”

    Customer: “I’d like that very much.”

    (The manager runs her through, but gives me a $50 gift card to our store. Thank you, prejudiced old woman. I got really nice sheets.)

    Fresh Popcorn, Stale Mind

    | Iowa, USA | Food & Drink

    (We clean the popcorn machines at the movie theater I work at every night. We leave any extra popcorn in the first machine we cleaned, and pop fresh popcorn the next morning. A customer walks up to register as I’m emptying the kettle.)

    Customer: “Can I get a small popcorn?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I turn to the machine with fresh popcorn to get her order when she stops me.)

    Customer: “I don’t want the stale popcorn. I want the fresh stuff from today.”

    Me: “Ma’am this popcorn was just popped; you watched me empty the
    kettle.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I know you’re just lazy and don’t want to walk the five extra feet to get me fresh popcorn.”

    (I walk over to the machine with the old stale popcorn, fill her bag, and ring her up.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you today, ma’am?”

    Customer: *takes a bite of her day-old popcorn* “See, now, this is fresh popcorn! You’re lucky I’m not going to talk to your manager for lying to me and trying not to do your job.”

    No Good Need Goes Unpunished

    | Oregon, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (A customer comes into our coffee shop and stares forlornly at the gum on display. She often comes into the shop to get some ice to chew on, but nothing else. Feeling sorry for her, I decide to help her out.)

    Me: “Here, let me get that for you.”

    (I reach into my tip jar and pay for the gum with my own money.)

    Customer: *takes the gum* “So…where’s my change?!”

    Me: *speechless*

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    Even The Bank Of Dad Has Gone Under

    | New Orleans, LA, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (A dad and his three kids who are all around 7 or 8 years old is my checkout line. He is buying four six packs of tall cans of liquor.)

    Me: “That will be $26.”

    Dad: “Okay.” *pulls money out of his pockets* “Shoot, I only have $20.”

    (He turns to one of his kids.)

    Dad: “Yo, lend me six bucks.”

    Kid: “S***, get your own money!”

    Dad: “Come on, I just need six more dollars.”

    Kid: F*** you.”

    Dad: “Hey, come on! I’ll pay you back when we get home!”

    Kid: *hands him some money and mumbles* “Broke a** motherf***er.”

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