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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • E.T. No Phone Home

    | Australia | Technology

    (I was working in the call center of a telco, troubleshooting and resolving faults in mobile phone handsets and modems.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to return a faulty modem.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem with the modem?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t contact the mothership.”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “This modem. It’s faulty. I cannot contact the mothership with it!”

    Me: “Um, [company] has never offered nor guaranteed intergalactic coverage.”

    Customer: “Fine, I’ll just take it back to the shop.” *hangs up*

    Hershey’s Misses

    | Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m explaining our desserts to a customer.)

    Me: “We have white, milk, and dark chocolate. You can get a mixture of two of those.”

    Customer: “Well, getting white and dark just doesn’t make sense.”

    Me: “Mind if I ask why not?”

    Customer: “Mixing white and dark chocolate would just make it milk chocolate.”

    Me: “That isn’t how chocolate works, ma’am.”

    Shh, The Neighbors Will Hear

    | Michigan, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (At our movie theater, “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” is playing. A 70- or 80-year-old woman approaches.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a ticket to that new movie.”

    Me: “No problem. What movie are you looking for, ma’am?”

    Customer: “That new one. You know, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Nasty.”

    Your Argument Is Full Of Hot Air

    | Campbell, CA, USA |

    (Our gas station’s air pump is broken so we have taken both air hoses and put them under the cover they normally stick through. A customer drives up, give me his credit card, and starts to pump gas.)

    Customer: “Where are your air hoses?”

    Me: “The air pump is broken, so we don’t have the air hoses out.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    (Despite what I said, the customer opens the air pump cover, pulls one of the hoses out, and goes over to his car tire and tries to put air in it. A few minutes later, he comes back to my booth.)

    Customer: “I think your air is broken. It’s deflating my tire!”

    Me: “Yes, as I said earlier, it’s broken. That’s why the hose was under the cover.”

    Customer: “Now my tire is almost flat! You are going to need to pay for a tow to another gas station.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I told you that the pump was broken. I also put the hoses under the cover. You decided to pull them out and try to use them anyway.”

    Customer: *yelling* “You should pay for my tow! If I ruin my rim driving to go get air I’m going to make you pay for it!”

    To Whom This May (Not) Concern, Part 2

    , | Oregon, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: *holding a bag out the window* “Dave! Bacon cheeseburger and regular fries!”

    Customer: *comes up and grabs the bag* “Thanks!”

    Me: “Hey, I just took your order like a minute ago. Didn’t you get an ice cream cone?”

    Customer: “Yeah, thanks.”

    Me: “That’s not an ice cream cone; it’s a bacon cheeseburger and regular fries. Is your name Dave?”

    Customer: “No!” *hands back the bag* “Where’s my cone?!”

    Related:
    To Whom This May (Not) Concern

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