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    To Whom This May (Not) Concern

    | Australia | Food & Drink

    Me: “Medium size latte for Sarah!”

    (A customer approaches and looks at the drink.)

    Customer: “Oh, sorry, I didn’t order a latte.”

    Me: “I’m really sorry about that, Sarah.”

    Customer: “I’m not Sarah.”

    Me: “You’re not Sarah and you didn’t order a latte?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “I’m really sorry, but this isn’t your coffee…”

    Fake It ‘Til You Make It

    | Hackney, London, UK |

    Customer: “Hey, do you work here?”

    Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Where is the pasta?”

    Me: “I’ll show you…it’s this way.”

    (He follows me to the correct aisle. As we approach, I see another girl in the aisle.)

    Customer: “S***, that’s my ex! Quick, pretend you’re my new girl!”

    Me: *surprised* “Wha—”

    (The customer grabs me, puts his arm round me, and practically drags me over to the girl.)

    Customer: *to ex* “Yea, I got a new girl. I’m over you.”

    Ex: “Um, okay? Great.” *walks away shaking her head*

    Customer: *to me* “So, since you’re my girl, do I get to use your staff discount now?”

    Now We Know Why She Needs Decaf

    | Greensboro, NC, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a national coffee chain, and am answering the drive through.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [café]. What would you like today?

    Customer: “I want a skinny latte!”

    Me: “Okay, just to clarify, skinny means nonfat and sugar-free. What sugar-free syrup would you like?”

    Customer: *huffing* “No syrup! I just want a skinny latte!”

    Me: “Um, okay, so just a nonfat latte, then. What else can I get for you?”

    Customer: “No, no, no! I just want a skinny latte, nonfat and sugar-free!”

    Me: “Okay, a skinny latte, then. What size would you like?”

    Customer: “Tall! You got that? And make it decaf! A DECAF TALL SKINNY LATTE! Gaaahhh!”

    Meaning What I Say

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (We usually ask if the customer would like a bag for a single item purchase.)

    Me: “Do you need a bag for this, sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t need a bag, if that’s what you’re trying to ask!”

    Indecent Disbursal

    , | Georgia, USA | Language & Words

    (I am a supervisor for a cell phone support center. I am plugging into my representative’s desk to grade one of their calls when I hear the following exchange.)

    Customer: “So, put me on that plan then.”

    Rep: “All right. I just need to go over some legal info with you.”

    Customer: “Are you going to procreate me?”

    Rep: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, procreate me and I get some money back.”

    (The rep is clearly confused, so I chime in.)

    Me: “I think she means ‘prorate.’”

    Rep: “Oh! Did you mean ‘prorate?’”

    Customer: “Yeah! Procreate and get money back!”

    Rep: “Yes. We can…prorate…your account.”

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