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    Common Courtesy Goes Up In Smoke

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A woman comes in to get a refund on a purchase she had just made about 10 minutes ago. However, our company does not offer refunds—only store credits or exchanges.)

    Customer: “I don’t want this anymore. Give me my money back.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I can’t give you your money back. It’s company policy, but I would be more than happy to let you exchange the item or receive a store credit for the same amount.”

    Customer: “No! I said I want my money back. No exchange, no store credit. I want cash back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. That’s not possible.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous and illegal! I want my money back right now. I need to buy some smokes!”

    Me: “I’m sorr—”

    Customer: “How am I gonna get my smokes now? I have no money now to buy them because I bought this shirt. So, are you gonna give me some smokes? Do you have any smokes for me?!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sor–”

    Customer: “You better buy me some smokes or give me some money to buy smokes, or else!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to relax. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you.”

    Customer: “Are you gonna give me some smokes?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Well are you?! You took my smoke money and now you won’t give it back, so you better give me some smokes instead. You stole from me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Whatever! Give me a store credit then. I guess I’ll have to go without smokes today!”

    (I perform the return and issue a store credit.)

    Me: “Have a good night, ma’am.”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff, cursing and swearing about smokes*

    Physically Checked In, Mentally Checked Out

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I’m almost done checking in a hotel guest and am giving them the customary closing spiel.)

    Me: “We have a full hot buffet breakfast from 6-10 AM, which is included in your room rate. There is wireless internet throughout, with no password needed to log on. The pool, hot-tub, and gym are at the end of the hallway on the first floor here, and is open from 8 AM to 10 PM. Please let me know if you have any questions. Someone is at the desk 24/7.”

    Guest: “Thank you so much. You’ve been so helpful!”

    Me: “Okay, here are your room keys. The room number is written inside and the elevator is around the corner.”

    Guest: “Great, thanks! Oh, I was just wondering, do you have a breakfast?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we do. It’s from 6-10 AM tomorrow, down here next to the lobby in the breakfast room.”

    (I point to room right next to lobby.)

    Guest: “Okay. Now, I have a laptop. Do you have wireless internet and what’s the password to log on?”

    Me: “Yes, there’s wireless throughout the hotel; there is no password.”

    Guest: “Where’s your gym? Are you open now?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s open until 10 PM. It’s down the hallways.”

    Guest: “Oh, okay. I just wanted to ask everything before you went home for the day because there’s no one here after midnight, I assume.”

    Me: “As I mentioned, there is someone at the desk 24/7.”

    (The guest’s girlfriend/wife, who has been waiting in the car, comes in.)

    Wife: “What’s taking so long?”

    Guest: “I have to ask all these questions because she didn’t tell me anything about the hotel when I checked in!”

    Me: *shakes head and just smiles*

    Guest: “Oh, where’s our room number? You never told me it!”

    Totally Scentsless, Part 2

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, ya’ll got some smell good?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Smell good! Smeeeeeell good!”

    Me: “No, ma’am–”

    (The customer holds a bottle of perfume up and shakes it in my face.)

    Customer: “This! Smell good!”

    More Invasive Than You’d Like

    | Huddersfield, UK | Health & Body

    (I work at an optician’s office. We provide a service for customers who are diabetic where they can have a retinal screening.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Patient: *loudly* “I’m here for a diabetic rectal screening!”

    (There is an uncomfortable pause while the patient digests what he has just boomed out to the whole shop in a very loud voice.)

    Me: “Er…”

    Patient: “I think I got that wrong.”

    Me: “Slightly, sir.”

    Getting Your Fax Straight

    , | South Carolina, USA |

    Customer: “I was in an accident last week and the other guy was at fault. His insurance company has totaled my car out and wants my original title. Can you fax it for me?”

    (I think I misheard them, since they won’t receive the original title if I fax it. So, I ask them to clarify.)

    Me: “So, they need a copy of it and you need me to fax it?”

    Customer: “No, fax the original. That’s what they need.”

    Me: “Sorry, but faxing will not result in you having the original.”

    Customer: “No, just fax it. They need the original.”

    (I try several times more to explain that they won’t get an original through fax, without success. Finally, the customer gives up.)

    Customer: “I don’t see what you don’t understand! All you need to do is fax it and they’ll get the original!” *leaves the office grumbling*

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