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    A Report, A Memo, A Notification

    | Orange County, CA, USA |

    Me: “Good morning, this is [name] at [company]. How may I help you?

    Caller: “May I please speak to [co-worker]?”

    Me: “He is not in the office today. May I take a message?”

    Caller: “No, I just wanted to confirm if he got my email. Can you have him call me and let me know?”

    Me: “Of course, may I get your name and phone number?”

    (The customer proceeds to give me a phone number, the spelling of her name, and a detailed message.)

    Me: “Okay, I have everything. I’ll be sure to give him your message as soon as possible.”

    Caller: “No! I didn’t want to leave a message. I just want him to call me back.”

    Me: “But you do want me to tell him it’s regarding your email, correct?”

    Caller: “Yes! And don’t forget to let him know about the change in time.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll give him the message.”

    Caller: “I’m not leaving him a message! I just want you to give him that information!”

    Out With The Old And In With The Nothing

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Technology

    (This is the second time this customer has called in today for the same issue, after calling in 3 times about it yesterday.)

    Me: “I can understand how you are frustrated that your email is not working in Outlook. However, it still works in webmail, so why don’t you use that for the time being until we hear back from our hosting technicians about your issue?”

    Caller: “That’s not what I’m paying for! I want you to fix my Outlook right now!”

    Me: “Sir, we do not provide Outlook. We provide the webmail that routes to your email, so you aren’t paying us for something that is unavailable. The webmail still works, so you can still use that for now.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to use that archaic piece of garbage! I want my Outlook! You guys are putting me out of business!”

    Me: “So, you won’t use webmail, even though it still works, because you don’t like the layout?”

    Caller: “I want my Outlook back! You are putting me out of business with this delay!”

    (Note: it has been less than 24 hours since the original complaint was filed.)

    Me: “Sir, our technicians are working on the issue. This issue will take time to fix.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m not seeing any effort! Tell them to work faster! I will be calling back this afternoon to speak with a supervisor! You are putting me out of business!”

    Me: “Sir, there is nothing that can be done except wait and use the webmail service for now.”

    Caller: “But I don’t want to use webmail! I want to use my Outlook! You go tell those guys to stop drinking coffee and fix my email! Don’t you understand how I feel?”

    Me: “Certainly, sir, but the webmail service we provide is still working, so you can use it for the time being to keep in contact with your clients and your business won’t be affected.”

    Caller: “You aren’t listening! Forget it! You’re putting me out of business and I will not use the webmail!” *hangs up*

    Be Sure To Ask For Frickin Laser Beams

    | Lower Saxony, Germany | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I’m refilling a bunch of buckets with pet food when a customer approaches. He’s dressed entirely in black, has long hair, and an intimidatingly large beard. I have previously seen him staring at snakes for a while.)

    Customer: “Hi, I was wondering, which pet would you recommend for an evil overlord?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, for the aspiring world dominator. I want something that looks evil and intimidating…something that can tear my enemies to shreds!”

    Me: “Uh…I’m sorry, sir, the most vile animals we have would be those kittens over there and I don’t think they’re quite big enough to kill someone.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “What about sharks?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry. We don’t have the space for such a big aquarium in here.”

    Customer: “Well, d***. I don’t suppose you have lions or siberian tigers, then?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not.”

    Customer: “D*** right you’re afraid! When I’m your master, I’ll come back with an army of battlehamsters and feed you to them!”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “I’m looking forward to that.”

    (He leaves the shop, but only after buying three hamsters.)

    Stimulating Or Simulating Immunity

    | Ottawa, Canada | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I’ve had a small cold for a couple days. I begin to ring up a man in his 60s. I’m 19.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Not too bad, except this d***ed cold won’t go away.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I have one too and it’s driving me nuts! Although I love the new pomegranate grapefruit cough drops we sell.”

    Customer: “I have some cough drops at home. But there is one thing that really works when you’re sick. The problem is, my wife is out of town so I guess I’m out of luck.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah. Wait, what?”

    Customer: “Yeah! It totally works. Do you have a man around to help you with your… cold?”

    (He winks at me.)

    Me: “That’ll be $35.67, sir. Have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Try it! And if you don’t have a man, you could always do it with–”

    Me: “Goodbye!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Magic 8-Ball: Conspiracy Edition

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (I am asking if a customer would like to get our discount card. She agrees and then starts to fill out the information.)

    Me: “What is your name, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t want any of my information in the BEAST!”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “The beast is a 6 foot wide computer in Berlin.”

    (My coworker walks out of the break room to see what the commotion is about. The customer sees him and turns to address him.)

    Customer: “Did you know IBM kept the registry for all of the Jews in the Holocaust?!”

    (My coworker and I just stand there in silence and I continue ringing though the transaction.)

    Customer: “Facebook is going to be the end of us!”

    (She then pays and we think she’s leaving and everything is fine. Suddenly, as she is walking out of the store, she turns around and screams.)

    Customer: “Canada is in GRAVE danger! To be forewarned is to be forearmed!”


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