(An intensely inebriated individual entered our store with two women in tow, one pushing a baby carriage, wearing a jordan jersey, sunglasses, and sporting gold fronts.)

Customer: “CRACKAS STINK! THIS STORE STINKS! CRACKA STORE STINKS!”

Me: *falls over laughing*

Customer: “GOOD LORD IT STINKS! SHE GOT PURPLE HAIR, I BET IT STINKS!”

Women with him: “Shut up! Shut up! I’m sorry, he doesn’t–SHUT UP! ”

Me: *rolls around with glee*

Customer: “STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!”

(And from then on I am known as stinky hair.)

(We had sent this lady’s watch to another company, and they ended up taking a very long time with it. Two weeks before this incident she called demanding that we call them and have them send her watch back whether it was fixed or not. My manager told her that it would only take two more days, but she insisted. This happened when she came to pick it up.)

Assistant Manager: “Okay, here’s your watch, I’m sorry about that.”

Customer: “It’s not fixed!”

Assistant Manager: “Yes, you told us to call them and have them send it back whether it was fixed or not. They were almost done making a new dial for it.”

Customer: (Ranting) “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE! YOU ARE SO RUDE. I’M CALLING MY LAWYER!”

Assistant Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am that’s all I can do.”

Customer begins to walk off, still ranting: “I’M CALLING MY LAWYER.”

(She rounds the corner and then in one last salvo comes back.)

Customer: “I AM CALLING THE NEWS!!!”

Customer at a pet store: “Do you have any Geicos?”

(Around 11:00AM, a customer walks into my bookstore.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a good book on financial planning.”

Me: “Well, this book here is very popular.” *pointing to the book on the shelf*

(The customer stares at the shelf, obviously confused.)

Customer: “You are going to have to show me again…I’m too drunk to see.”

(A girl in her late teens approaches me holding a t-shirt, turning it over in her hands, apparently searching for defects or blemishes in the material.)

Customer: “Do you have any of these that are new?”

Me: “I’m sorry? They’re all new.”

Customer: “No, this one is used. I want a new one.”

(I take the shirt and inspect it, finding it to be in perfect order.)

Me: “It looks perfectly fine to me. I unpacked these from today’s shipment an hour ago. We have multiples of each size if you’d like me to help you find another one.”

Customer: “I checked them all. They’re all used, see…”

(She snatches the shirt and points at the tag which reads, under the bar code, “USD $14.99″.)

Me: “That’s the currency. United States Dollars.”

Customer, becoming irate: “I can f**king see that. Fifteen dollars for a used shirt is f**king retarded.”

Me: “No. U-S-D. United States Dollars. We don’t sell used clothing.”

Customer: “What are you, a f**king idiot? It says you do, right on the d**n tag.”

Me: “My mistake. Here, I’ll take that and make sure it gets thrown away.”

(I take the shirt and begin walking to the stock room.)

Customer: “Can I just have it? You’re going to throw it out anyway.”

Me: “Sorry, no. There’s an IQ requirement.”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “It’s an acronym thing. Don’t worry about it.”

Customer: “You’re a f**king a**hole!”

(She storms out.)

Me: Thank you for calling [Retail Store], what can I help you with?

Lady: “Yes, I was wondering if you had any TV’s that were in your ad.”

*I remember selling the last one a few moments ago*

Me: “I’m sorry, we have no more left in stock.”

Lady: “Why?”

Me: “Because I sold the last one a few moments ago.”

Lady: “Why would you do something like that? I wanted one.”

Me: “Well thats what we do here, we sell things. We may get some more in tomorrow. Your could call tomorrow morning and ask to put one on hold.”

Lady: “Okay, I’d like to do that now.”

Me: “I can’t do that, we don’t have any now. I meant to try again tomorrow.”

Lady: “Okay. The name is Johnson.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have any more of the TV’s that were on sale to put on hold. I don’t understand why you are not grasping that. We have zero TV’s that you want. I have several other models that are not on sale you can choose from.”

Lady: “I would like the one in your ad to be put on hold under my name.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are sold out of that model!”

Lady: “Okay. I’ll come pick it up later today.”

Me: “Ma’am, I sold the last TV before you called!”

Lady: “Why?”

Me: *click*

Customer: “Uh, yes, I need the grey paint for the carpet. Which one is best for the carpet?”

Me: “Sir, we do not have a paint for carpet.”

Customer: “Yes, yes. No…no. You do not understand…see, I need to paint carpet, yes? You tell me which one. Yes, yes?”

Me: “Sir, like I said, it is not advisable to paint your carpet. It will harden and you will not be able to remove it, so I cannot recommend a product at this time.”

Customer: “No, no, you see wrong. I paint floor of car. It is very cheap, I like to paint the carpet, it is cheap, yes? So which one, which one?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand me when I tell you that it is not possible to spray paint carpet. You may dye it, or you may try to remove the stain. I could show you where–”

*customer cuts me off*

Customer: “No, no, you see, I need paint. For carpet, yes? And you show me which one. Yes? We do this now.”

Me: “…okay. Try that grey one over there.”

Customer: “Is it good for carpet?”

Me: *blank stare*

*pause*

Me: “Sure, why not?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, thank you!”

Me: *sigh*

(A lady walks in with a bunch of change in her hands.)

Lady: “Can you give me a dollar bill for all this change?”

Me: “Sorry, it’s against company policy to open the register unless I am making a sale.”

Lady: “But you just opened the register for that kid.”

Me: “Yes, because I was making a sale.”

Lady: “This is bulls**t. You aren’t helping me because I’m Hispanic!”

*starts swearing at me in Spanish and English*

Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

*lady continues yelling*

Me: “Have a good day.”

*lady is still yelling*

Me: “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

(The lady is about two feet away from me and throws all of her coins at me. I didn’t move because I was in shock. She managed to not hit me with one single coin.)

Me: “Ma’am, you dropped your change.”

(I work in the music section of a bookstore. One day, we caught one of our regulars shoplifting and banned him. The very next day, he walks in as if nothing happened.)

Me: “Dude, you aren’t allowed to be here. You were banned.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “You stole a CD from me.”

Customer: “But I gave it back!”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Old Woman: “Well?”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Old Woman: “Are they here?”

Me: “Are what here? Glasses? Contacts?”

Old Woman: “MY GLASSES GOD D**N IT!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to check. What is your last name?”

Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

Me: “Dorothy is your LAST name?”

Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

Me: “And your first name?”

Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

Me: “Okay, so your name is Dorothy Dorothy. Got it.”