Volumes Of Knowledge

| TX, USA | Books & Reading

(Two customers are talking to my boss at the front desk. I’m around the corner, out of sight, at another desk.)

Customer #1: “We’re looking for Les Mis. Who is that by?”

Boss: “It’s by Victor Hugo. It would be over in fiction, but I’m not sure if we have any copies right now.”

Me: *without moving* “We have three copies.”

(I can hear them talking in the shelves.)

Customer #2: “Aha! She was wrong. There are four copies!”

Customer #1: “No, look.”

Customer #2: “Oh crap, those two are volume one and volume two. She really is good.”

Needs An Urban Remedy

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Food & Drink, Funny Names

(Unfortunately, I am the stupid customer in this story.)

Employee: “Hi there! What can I get for you today?”

Me: “Hi! Could I just get a toasted plain bagel with cream cheese?”

Employee: “Sure! What kind of cheese?”

Me: “…cream?”

Employee: *laughs* “I meant what kind of cream cheese would you like?”

Me: “Oh! What flavours do you have?”

Employee: “Plain, strawberry, blueberry, and herb and garlic.”

(At this point, I am tired after a day of classes and mishear the last flavour.)

Me: *stares blankly* “Urban garlic?… Is that, like, the opposite of ‘rural garlic’ or something?”

Talking Turkey About The Chickens

| PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

Customer: “Does your chicken and turkey come from the same animal?”

Addressing The Underlying Problem

| Surrey, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

(I have a customer who is trying to return an opened package of undergarments. Like the vast majority of retailers, for hygienic reasons, we have a final-sale policy on all underwear. I explain this to the customer.)

Customer: “I didn’t know that it was going to be final sale!”

Me: “That’s our return policy, ma’am. All underwear is final sale, no refunds, returns, or exchanges.”

Customer: “I’ve never heard or seen that policy anywhere!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have our policy written on this large sign right above my register, and it’s even printed on your receipt. You were given ample opportunity to read our policy.”

Customer: “Well, WHY would I WANT to read it?!”

(While I know that customers not reading signs is nothing new, this was my first time seeing someone show so much indignation over it. I found this to be incredibly annoying.)

Me: “Because you’re a very intelligent lady who makes informed decisions!”

(The customer took her underwear and quietly left my store.)

Making It A Point To Make An Appointment

| Tulsa, OK, USA | Crazy Requests, Time

(My favorite thing is when patients call to make appointments, and they clearly haven’t gotten their lives together before picking up the phone. These scenarios could go one of several different ways:)

Me: “Dr. [Name]’s office.”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to make an appointment.”

Me: “All right! Is there a day that works well for you?”

Customer: “Oh… I don’t know… Let me get my calendar and call you back.”

(Next caller:)

Me: “Dr. [Name]’s office.”

Customer #2: “Yes, I’d like to make an appointment. Any time is fine. What is your next available?”

Me: “We have a 2:00 tomorrow.”

Customer #2: “Oh I can’t do tomorrow.”

Me: “How about 10:00 the next day?”

Customer #2: “No, I have another appointment somewhere else.”

Me: “…why don’t you tell me when the best time for you is.”

Customer #2: “Oh, I’m really actually very flexible. I can do pretty much whenever. Just not those times you gave me already.”

Me: *decides to try one more time* “Okay… how about 1:30 on Monday?”

Customer #2: “No, I can’t do that.”

(My other favorite thing is when they call saying they will be late for their appointment but that they are “on their way!” and then they walk in with a fresh drink from Starbucks in their hand.)

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