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    A Sky High Request

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    Customer: “Come quick! There’s a weird loud noise!”

    Me: “Is it the air conditioner? Is it another guest?”

    Customer: “No, it’s neither of those! I don’t know what it is but it’s keeping me up!”

    (I go to see.)

    Customer: “You hear it? It’s here.”

    (I hear a faint thud thud thud noise.)

    Me: “Sir, I think that’s a helicopter outside.”

    Customer: “It keeps coming back. What are you go to do about it?”

    Me: “Sir that’s probably a government helicopter. I can’t call the government and tell it not to go.”

    Customer: “Stupid government!”

    Their IQ Is Below Zero

    | Portsmouth, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (Whilst taking a customer’s cocktail order on a Friday night:)

    Customer: “Is your ice fresh or frozen?”

    Like Sleeping On Heavenly Clouds

    | USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement, Religion

    (We sell mattresses. A customer does a lap around the store and stops at our most expensive beds.)

    Customer: “THIS BED IS ONLY $89?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir, if you qualify for the four-year financing it’s $89 a month.”

    Customer: “Well, there’s no point in me financing a bed, Jesus is coming next year. Have a nice day”

    Me: “…”

    Trying To Explain It In Black And White

    , | OH, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer walks in with a black & white document.)

    Me: “Do you need some copies made today?”

    Customer: “Yes, please. I need 20 of these, black & white.”

    (I make her copies and walk back to the counter.)

    Customer: “Can you make 10 in color, too, please?”

    Me: “Sure, you just need them on the brighter, heavier paper that we use in the color machine?”

    Customer: *stares at me like I have two heads* “NO, so that they’re in COLOR.”

    Me: “You mean you want it to look like it did on the computer screen before you printed these in black?”

    Customer: *frustrated* “YES!”

    Me: “No color machine in the world is capable of restoring color from a black and white copy.”

    Customer: “Whatever.”

    (Thank goodness the customer behind her was laughing at her because I was certainly about to!)

    Keeps Coming Back For More For Less

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer comes up to my register with a cart full of various sizes of picture frames.)

    Me: “Hello! Did you find everything?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    (She just stands there, not taking anything out of her cart, just looking at me.)

    Me: “Good! You can go on and put those smaller frames up here on the counter. And I’ll just need you to lift up the large ones so that I can reach the barcode on the bottom.”

    Customer: “You have to scan them?”

    Me: “Yep! If you are wanting to buy them, that is!”

    (I smile and laugh my hollow ‘customer laugh.’)

    Customer: “Oh, I thought… I didn’t know the scanning was necessary.”

    Me: “It’s how our registers know what you’re buying and charge you the correct amount. So you can just hand those small frames to me, and I’ll scan those, then we’ll get to the big ones. The small ones I can also wrap and bag for you.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to help you?”

    Me: “Well, that is the fastest way to check out. If you cannot lift them, though, I can come around and get them.”

    Customer: “I just don’t understand any of this…”

    (I give up and just take everything out of her cart myself, as a line is forming.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?! I have never had such rude service.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you want to buy these, I have to ring them up. That’s all I’m doing.”

    Customer: “Whatever. Okay, these are all 40% off.”

    Me: “Yes, you’re right. Their sale prices are just up here on the screen. And with that sale, your total comes to [total].”

    Customer: “I don’t believe that’s the sale price.”

    Me: *internal sigh* “Well, see, for example, this frame was originally [price]. When you take 40% off of that price, it comes to [total], as displayed on the screen.”

    Customer: “Fine, whatever. I’ll double check the math when I get home. And I want to use a coupon.”

    Me: “Okay, sure! I just need to scan the barcode on it. Do you have a printed coupon or is it on your phone?”

    Customer: “What? I don’t understand.”

    Me: “I need the coupon to scan it, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why? Just take the amount off. I’d like a 30% one, please.”

    Me: “I cannot apply a discount, then, ma’am. We have to scan the coupon for you to receive the discount. If you wish to come back tomorrow with the coupon and get a price adjustment, though, we can certainly do that for you. But the only available coupon for your purchases is a 10% one.”

    Customer: “Oh, I guess I’ll come back in. That’s poor service, though.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Now how will you be paying?”

    (As she runs her credit card through the card reader, I start wrapping her frames in paper to protect them.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?! You’re hurting them!”

    Me: “I’m wrapping paper around them to protect them from scratching one another.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, stop!” *she throws them in her cart with a crash*

    Me: “Okay, you just need to sign this receipt for me and you’re all done.”

    Customer: “No. I don’t sign things.”

    Me: *using my stern ‘mom voice’* “Then your transaction is not complete and you cannot leave with these items.”

    (She stares at me for a while and finally gives in with a huff. She leaves, muttering about poor service. Everyone in line behind her is wide-eyed with confusion, and the next few customers comment on how it seems like she’s never been in a store before. Then she reappears with her husband, holding one of the larger frames).

    Customer: “I’d like to trade this frame for another. It has scratches.”

    (I definitely gave her a quick, evil stare, but the frame is question is very easily scratched and it’s our policy to let customers trade them out.)

    Me: “Okay, sure. If you want to just leave that one up here, you can go on back and pick another one. If you pick a different style, we’ll have to run an exchange through the system.”

    (She leaves her frame and husband with me. It’s now 10 minutes to close, and we have a long line of customers. Her husband stands in front of my till browsing a magazine).

    Me: “Sir, if you will step to the end of my register here, I will check out a few of these other guests. We need to be closing soon, so I need to help everyone get out of the store. When your wife returns, I’ll do whatever needs to be done to process her frame.”

    (He throws his hands up in disgust and makes an exasperated noise, but doesn’t move.)

    Customer #2: *barreling up with a cart* “Outta my way. You aren’t doing a d*** thing!

    (She shoves her cart into him until he moves. I don’t say anything, because I’m too annoyed and trying not to laugh.)

    Customer #2: *to me* “There you go, love. What’s wrong with him? He a zombie?”

    (I ring up five guests before the original customer finally returns. Luckily, she’s got the same type of frame as the one she purchased, so I’m allowed to let her take it without doing anything in the register system.)

    Me: “Okay, awesome. Looks like that is exactly the same type of frame, so you can just take that and go! We don’t need to do anything else!”

    Customer: “What? You’re trying to make me steal!”

    Me: “What…? No, no I’m not. You’re leaving with essentially the same item as you brought back, minus a small scratch. I promise, it’s fine. Thank you, and have a good night!”

    (She and her husband stand there a minute complaining about me, then go stand in front of the automatic sliding doors, which slide open for them. They don’t move, talk, anything. They just stand there).

    Customer: “HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF YOUR D*** STORE?!”

    (Everyone in the area just stares, shocked. I have had it, so I just turn around and call up the next customer to my register.)

    Customer #3: “Never have I so enjoyed waiting in line at this store! What a show! It was like an SNL skit or something! I’m gonna write to the Pope, tell him you should be sainted. You acted so pleasant the whole time, with just the perfect touch of ‘rage boiling under the surface.’”

    (The original customers must have figured a way out of the OPEN DOOR THAT THEY HAD ALREADY USED THREE TIMES, because we didn’t find them inside after we closed!)

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