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    The Big Bang Was Not A One-Time Event

    | Lawton, OK, USA | Musical Mayhem, Technology

    (At the store a customer left their phone behind. Per store policy, we can hold the phone for the customer, but we can’t answer it if it rings, in case the customer then tries to claim that we either broke or tampered with it.)

    Coworker: “You look stressed.”

    Me: “I am!”

    Coworker: “Why?”

    Me: “Because the phone has the ENTIRE theme to The Big Bang Theory as the ringtone. And it won’t… stop… ringing…”

    Should Have Framed It Correctly

    | New Zealand | Extra Stupid, Home Improvement

    (I work in a framing store. I have been at this job only a couple of weeks when this happens – all I knew was basically that we sold frames. I need experience on the phone so I have to start taking calls. A call comes in.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, [Company]. You’re speaking with [My Name].”

    Caller: “Oh, hi. I made an Internet order with you and you seem to have sent me the wrong size.”

    (We sometimes do Internet orders for pre-made frames. At this point I’m not super familiar with the sizes we can do.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that; if you pass on the details to me I’ll speak to my manager.”

    Caller: “That’s great. It was the tiger-lily, and you’ve sent me the size eight when I ordered the size ten.”

    Me: “Size eight? Uh… ok, well we may have to look you up in the system to find the details.”

    Caller: ‘Do you have a size ten?”

    Me: *totally confused but in it too deep now and the woman is getting angry* ‘Uh… I’m sure we can fix the problem for you. I’m just going to get my manager to look for your order and give you a call back.”

    (I take her name and details and end the call, thinking my manager can work out what’s happening, because I have no idea. She looks in the system for a customer order with an artwork described as ‘tiger-lily’ but finds nothing. I explain the size issue, but the sizing doesn’t match what we offer. My manager tells me to call the woman back and try to get more information.)

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi there. It’s [My Name] calling back from [Company].”

    Caller: “Oh, hi.”

    (The caller thinks I’m the manager now, having just spoken to me five minutes ago.)

    Caller: “I made an Internet order for the tiger-lily and it’s the wrong size, and I just wanted to return it and get the right one. It’s the tiger-lily.”

    Me: *it’s starting to dawn on me what’s going on* “I’m sorry. Is this for clothing?”

    Caller: *angry now* ‘No! It’s the tiger-lily!! The bikini—”

    Me: “A bikini? We don’t sell those. We sell frames.”

    (Silence.)

    Caller: “Is this phone number [not our phone number]?”

    Me: “No, it’s [our phone number].”

    (Silence.)

    Caller: “I’m sorry I’ve called the wrong number.” *click*

    (Of course, now that I am experienced I would know the error straight away, but I have sadly not received such an entertaining call since that day.)

    How To Package Crazy

    | NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (Due to a mistake on the shipper’s part, I need to go to the local UPS depot to pick up a package sent to me. As this is a depot, not a store-front, they only have a single desk off to the side for customer service, and today there’s an unusually long line for assistance. This happens once the person in front of me gets up.)

    Employee: “Yes, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to set up a PO box, please.”

    Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, this is UPS, not the post office. I—”

    Customer: “Look, I’ve been in line for a half an hour now. You’re going to help me or I’ll get your supervisor!”

    Employee: “Ma’am, I am the supervisor on duty right now, and that doesn’t change the fact that you’re at the wrong location.”

    Customer: “Don’t you tell me I’m in the wrong location! I live a block and a half from here; this is DEFINITELY the right location!”

    Employee: “No, it’s NOT, ma’am. This is the UNITED PARCEL SERVICE. You are looking for the US POSTAL SERVICE. Their office is across the street and down two.”

    Customer: “Oh, you’re just trying to confuse me. This is the same place! This is just the union one and that’s the non-union. Now help me with my box!”

    Guy Behind Me: “LADY! Do you go to a car dealer and demand to see their selection of birthday cards, because ‘car’ and ‘card’ are one letter apart? Because that’s what you’re doing here! Now get out of the line you’ve been in for less than FIVE minutes and stop harassing that poor man!”

    (Somehow this was the employee’s fault, and she took another minute yelling at him about ‘letting that guy talk to me that way.’ Finally she storms off, yelling that she will ‘call President Obama on you all,’ and I step up.)

    Me: “Yes, can I pick up my FedEx package? Oh, and also I’d like some of whatever pills she’s taking!”

    Employee: “I think that’s the problem. She didn’t take her pills today!”

    Today You Were Helped By Me, Myself, And I

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior

    (I am covering a break in the music department and help a middle-age woman find a CD. Immediately after that I head to the cafe to cover a break there as well, and the same customer comes through to get a drink.)

    Customer: “Didn’t I just see you?”

    Me: “Nah, that was my twin. We wear the same clothes.”

    Customer: “Well, you tell her she was very nice. She helped me find what I wanted.”

    Me: *to coworker, after customer leaves* “I’m gonna go to the registers now and see if I can convince her I’m triplets…”

    Very Black Comedy

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (My friend and I arranged a double date to introduce my girlfriend and me to his girlfriend, who is blind and uses a guide dog. We went to a fairly fancy restaurant that keeps the lights low. Her guide dog is a black lab, so there are a few close calls from passing servers. Shortly after having the appetizers delivered to us we’re approached by one of the servers.)

    Server: “Hello. I’m so sorry to inconvenience your party this evening, but we noticed that your guide dog is quite dark and hard to see in the aisle. If it’s not too much of trouble would you mind if we relocated you a part of the restaurant with less traffic?”

    (The server motions towards one of the unoccupied booths at the back corner of the restaurant. We’re pretty much right in the path from the kitchen to the rest of the restaurant.)

    Me: “What, because he’s black you’re going to toss us at the back of the restaurant?!”

    (The server stands there for a few seconds wide eyed and stammering, obviously not knowing what to say. My friend and I lose our poker face and break down into laughter.)

    Friend: “Don’t worry about it, man. We’re just f****** with you. If you didn’t ask us, we were going to ask you if we could move anyway.”

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