Only Slipping On The Truth

(It is about 11 pm in a grocery store. I am the supervisor on duty. It is just me, cleaning the customer service counter, and one cashier working a register. An elderly customer ambles up to the checkout lane.)

Cashier: “Hey, ma’am. How are you tonight?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m just- AHHHHHHHH!” *waves her arms dramatically and hops backwards.* “Oh, my gosh, honey. There’s a HUGE puddle of water there! Oh, I slipped. I think I hurt something! Oh, my hip!”

Cashier: “Really? Are you okay?”

Customer: “Oww, my hip! Oh, I think I strained something! Get me your manager right now!”

(The cashier pages the manager to the register.)

Manager: “Oh, my goodness, ma’am. What happened?!”

Customer: “There was a huge puddle of water! I slipped and I hurt my back! Oh, gosh. It hurts!”

Manager: *to cashier, who is wiping the floor with paper towels that are remaining suspiciously dry* “Ring up her groceries for me, please.” *to the customer* “Here, ma’am. Have a seat. Please, tell me exactly what happened.”

Customer: “Oh, there was all this water, and I slipped like this.”

(The customer makes exaggerated lunges, trying to demonstrate how she fell.)

Customer: “Oh, it was awful. My hip hurts! Oh, I threw out my back! Oh, it hurts!”

(The customer makes more movements an injured person would be quite incapable of making.)

Customer: “I’ll be contacting my lawyer!”

Manager: “I see. Here’s my store and my personal information. Please give me yours as well, and we’ll be in touch. I’m terribly sorry about this. I hope you make it home alright.”

(The customer ambles out to her car, shouting ‘oh, my back!’ the entire way.)

Manager: “I need written statements from both of you. Good thing we have this on camera.”

Cashier: “Do you think she’ll sue?”

Manager: “I hope so. I’m putting her a** in jail if she does.”