More Buffoon Than Buff

(During the holidays we hire extra help. This happens on Black Friday with a guy who doesn’t work much because, as he puts it, he is “too hot and buff” to work hard. He doesn’t like to listen to me because I’m a female, even though I’m his manager. We’re in the back of the store.)

Me: “Hey, [coworker], since you left your post in the dressing room, you need to go help out with the registers.”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Coworker: “No! This is stupid. You’re just jealous because I’m so hot and I’m totally buff and you just don’t like that I’m working here!”

Me: “Actually, I don’t like that you’re working here because you’re useless and lazy. You have two options here, and only two: either go to the front and run the register, or I’ll clock you out and you can go home.”

Coworker: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “Yes, actually I can. What you can’t do is behave this way and think it’s acceptable. ”

Coworker: “You’re just being a b**** because I’m hot, and you’re ugly!”

Me: “You’re going home. I’m also going to be talking to the owners about your attitude and how useless you are around the building. So, go home… you’ll be more useful away from the store.”

Coworker: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “Again, yes I can.”

Coworker: “You people are just jealous that I’m the hottest person in here! This store is staffed with fug-os! Between you, fatty mclarda**, and that dude with the messed up face, you’re all ugly and jealous of my hotness!”

(Note the two coworkers he’s talking about have overheard and are upset. The girl he’s called fat is trying to lose weight, and the guy has terrible burn scars on his face from a fire he suffered as a child. They both are uncomfortable and upset. Thankfully, the store owner is in the store and comes over.)

Owner: *to my coworker* “You’re fired.”

Coworker: “Who the h*** do you think you are, old man? You can’t fire me!”

Owner: “I’m the owner, not only can I fire you, but I can ban you from ever stepping foot in this store again or I’ll have you arrested. You have disrespected my employees, you’ve bad -outhed the manager—who I would have fired you on her word alone—and you now have twenty seconds to get off my property.”

Coworker: “You people are just jealous! I’m HOT and I’m BUFF and I’m BETTER than you!”

(The owner looks to me, silently giving me permission to put him in his place.)

Me: *to my now-fired coworker* “Hey, just so you know, your butt looks really big in those pants, and your arms look super flabby when you flail around like that. I just thought that, maybe, for someone who claims to be so hot and buff, you’d want to know that!”

Coworker: *looks mortified and runs out of the store*