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    Million Dollar Baby (Carrots)

    | Montreal, Canada |

    Me: “Welcome to [kitchen store]. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Oh! Aren’t you a lovely young thing! I need something that will cut vegetables into slices. You see, I’m quite the chef, I have a very expensive home in New York, and I have a million dollar kitchen!”

    Me: “Well, we have a variety of slicers…”

    (I bring him to a shelf with vegetable slicers. He proceeds to open a knapsack and takes out a cucumber, a carrot, other assorted vegetables.)

    Me: “Sir, what are you doing?”

    Customer: “I have to test the slicer! I can’t buy just any old slicer! What will they think?”

    (He begins slicing a cucumber with one of the models on display.)

    Me: “What will who think?”

    Customer: “MY GUESTS! MY GUESTS! THEY’LL JUDGE ME WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT MY MILLION DOLLAR KITCHEN! Ugh! This slicer is horrible! Look at that! I nearly cut my own finger off! This is despicable. I’ll be back tomorrow, dear, and I expect you to have more advanced slicers by then.”

    (He begins stroking my arm frantically, so my co-worker politely escorts him out of the store. His cucumber, mind you, stayed behind.)