Lions And Tigers And Big Box Stores, Oh My

(I’m a tour guide for a private college in the North Georgia mountains in a town of 9,000 people. It’s not the biggest city, but it’s the biggest within about fifty miles. A married couple from Atlanta comes to visit the college.)

Man: *nervously* “How do people typically adjust to living in the middle of nowhere?”

Me: “I actually think it’s peaceful here in the mountains, and I’ve never heard anyone say they miss the traffic.”

(At this point, the couple sees a small green spider on the roof of the golf cart and literally jumps out of the stopped vehicle.)

Me: “Aw, he won’t hurt y’all.”

(The man hesitates three times before finally squishing the spider with his handkerchief. He cautiously climbs back in.)

Woman: “Do you have any… mountain lions here?”

Me: *in an exaggerated southern drawl* “Ain’t seen many mountain lions ’round these parts, far as I reckon.”

Man: “What about bears?”

Woman: “Panthers?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure the most we have up here is foxes and coyotes.”

(The woman gasps like she might have a heart attack while the man’s eyes get very wide. I do my best to assure them that these animals are harmless to humans and that they will likely never see on campus, and continue with the tour.)

Woman: “How far is civilization from here?”

Me: “Well, the city is the county seat, and there’s lots to do and see downtown, and plenty of options for shopping and dining.”

Man: “Is there a Walmart anywhere near here?”

Me: “About a ten-minute drive.”

Couple: *in unison* “HALLELUJAH! CIVILIZATION!”