Like A Dog After A Bone

(It’s about half an hour before closing time on a Saturday, which is jokingly referred to by the employees as ‘the creeper hour’ because of all the strange customers we get during that time. However, this night has been relatively slow and weird-free. Customer #1, a man, comes to my line and sets down two cartons of ice cream.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer #1: “Fine, thanks. My dog wanted to go for a ride, so I thought I’d reward myself for listening to him.”

(I kind of laugh with the customer and ring through his order. After he pays, he still stands at my register, staring at me.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer #1: “My dog is a real little dog. It’s probably tearing up my car right now. I can never get him to settle down.”

Me: “Yeah, smaller dogs tend to have more energy.”

Customer #1: “It’s because his parents are siblings.”

Me: “Oh…”

Customer #1: “I had the brother and sister dogs and they got together somehow. Had four puppies. One was born with heart problems and died. I gave two away.”

Me: *trying to not cringe* “Okay…”

Customer #1: “I don’t know how they did it. I don’t know why they did it. Why do brother and sister dogs f***? I caught them once. I couldn’t get the brother dog off his sister. You just never forget those kinds of things.”

Me: “Sir, do you mind just—”

(At this point, a second customer comes to my line. She loudly throws some soup cans on the conveyor belt.)

Customer #2: “Oh, hello, sweetie! How are you tonight?”

(Customer #1 glares at her and moves down a little, but still is at my register and opens his mouth as if to continue talking.)

Customer #2: *loudly* “Boy, I can’t believe how great the sales are this week! Oh, do you mind putting my milk in a bag? I hate to be a bother, but it’s just easier to carry.”

(Customer #1 finally seems to get that he can’t continue talking about his incestuous dogs and actually pouts as he walks away.)

Customer #2: “Actually sweetie, I’m sorry. I’m not done shopping yet. I still need to get a couple more things. You just looked like you needed a way out.”

Me: “Oh, my god, thank you so much. Here, I’ll unload the rest of your things and ring them through while you go get what else you need.”

Customer #2: “But did I hear him right? Did he really say what I think he said? Who even thinks that that’s okay?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t mean to be crass but if you think that’s weird then you don’t want to hear the other stuff people have said to me.”

(She laughs and gets the rest of her groceries. When she pays, she asks for $5 cash back and gives it to me for ‘putting up with the village of idiots.’)