Down In The Dumped

(My ex-boyfriend gets in touch with me every year or so. He never calls me or anything; he just emails me through social networking. Email is also how he dumped me.)

Ex-Boyfriend: “I really miss you. I know I was stupid to break up with you. It took time for me to realize you were my everything. I’m sorry.”

Me: “Um, that’s nice. You remember I said I wasn’t coming back into your life if you pushed me out, right? You remember you pushed me out rather forcefully? And we’ve had this conversation before.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “But I want to try again!”

Me: “I’m sure you do. But even if I were single, I wouldn’t want you back.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “I’m sorry. I’m just lonely. I hope you’ll think about it.”

Me: “So, after you broke up with me by saying you thought we were only together to keep from being alone, and you never really loved me, this is the line you’re using?”

Ex-Boyfriend: “You’re right. I get stupid when I’m depressed. And you’re looking so happy in all your photos. I guess I just wanted to reopen an old wound and make you sad.”

Me: “Of course you did. I’m done reading your little messages. The next time you feel the urge to try sweet-talking me; kindly remember that you’re a jacka***.”