Ki-Wheezing

(I often visit a local coffee shop that serves not only coffee items, but also pastries and real fruit smoothies. The menu, however, does not list the fruits included in the smoothies. I have a kiwi allergy.)

Me: “Hi, can I get a tropic blast smoothie and a scone?”

Barista: “Sure thing! That’ll be [price].”

Me: “And does the tropic blast smoothie have any kiwi or kiwi flavoring in it? I’m allergic.”

Barista: “No, none at all! It’ll be right up.”

(My friend and I pay and collect our food and go to sit down. I take a sip and immediately feel my lips tingling and itching, and my tongue feels like it’s getting pinpricks and is swelling. I realize there is kiwi, and I’m having an allergic reaction. Since my reactions aren’t life threatening, just uncomfortable for an hour or so, I bring it back up to get a replacement.)

Me: “Uh, sorry but there is kiwi in this. I’m having a reaction but it’s in control. Can I get a refund or replacement, maybe?”

Barista: “F*** off.”

Me: *shocked* “Excuse me?”

Barista: “You heard me. F*** off. That had got to be the fakest lisp I’ve ever heard, and Jesus is watching you lie to get things for free. You even drank half of it!”

(The ‘fake lisp’ is from my swollen tongue, and I had only taken a small sip so the cup is nearly filled to the brim. Another barista gets the manager/owner for me without being asked, and I tell her what happened.)

Owner: “Did you really tell this poor girl to ‘eff off’?!”

Barista: “Listen to her! She’s obviously faking. She just wants free smoothies.”

Owner: “Can you show her your tongue, please, miss?”

Me: *sticks out my red and obviously swollen tongue*

Owner: “Why did you tell her the tropic blast didn’t have any kiwi?! And why did you accuse her of lying?!”

(The barista tried to defend herself and failed. The owner fired her and told me this isn’t the first time she’d been rude to customers. The owner gave me a 15 free drinks coupon, and even though I’ve used them up, I’m still a regular! But I’ve never had another smoothie from them.)