Shooters And Fires And Bears, Oh My!

(One of the vice principals says over the loudspeaker that we’re conducting a lockout drill. This allows classes to proceed as normal.)

Student #1: “I forget. What’s a lockout drill?”

Me: “The outside doors are locked, but we’re free to do what we need to inside. But, if this wasn’t a drill, when the bell rings at the end of the day you wouldn’t be able to leave.”

Student #1: “What’s the point?”

Me: “Well… we’re in the middle of farms and stuff. Once there was a bear in the area. It’s to keep people safe.”

Student #2: “What if there’s, like, a shooter or something while there’s a lockout?”

Me: “Then we go into lockdown. And if there’s a fire alarm during a lockdown, you—”

Student #1: “Leave!”

Me: “No! What if there’s a lunatic in the hall who pulled the alarm?!”

Student #2: “But what if there’s a real fire?”

Student #3: “What if there’s a lockdown and a real fire?”

Me: “Well, then we—”

Student #4: “And what if there’s a bear?”

Student #3: “YEAH! WHAT IF THERE’S A SHOOTER AND A FIRE AND A BEAR?!”

Me: *gives up*