It’s An Ex-tra Small World

(My husband was born in a small town where everybody knows everybody else, not far from where I grew up. He and I have been together for several years, and for the last four years we’ve been living in California where he’s stationed. His hometown has a specialty baby store, so while I’m home visiting family, my pregnant sister and I decide to make the drive out there and do some shopping.)

Cashier: “Oh, you’re from [my hometown]? I know a guy who moved out there in high school. His name is [my husband’s name]. Did you go to school with him?”

(I’m surprised to hear the cashier say my husband’s name, but I decide to play along.)

Me: “Actually, yeah, I did.”

Cashier: “Yeah, we were such good friends before he moved. We dated for a while too, but I knew we couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship at that age. But now I think we’ll be getting back together soon!”

(I suddenly realize that the cashier is my husband’s crazy ex-girlfriend from middle school. He told me she became very attached and clingy with boyfriends very quickly, and as a result she found herself scaring guys away. They went on a couple dates when they were 13, but nothing ever came of it. Obviously I know the cashier is lying, but I’m too freaked out to correct her, so I continue to play it cool.)

Me: “Oh yeah? What are you guys doing this weekend?”

Cashier: “We’re going to dinner downtown. I even think he’s going to propose.”

(She has just gone from saying they are not in a relationship to saying they were in a serious relationship. My sister can’t hold it in anymore and starts to get angry.)

Sister: “Really? Because that might be a long drive for him. I don’t think he’ll be here in time.”

Cashier: “What are you talking about? [My hometown] is only an hour from here.”

Sister: “He doesn’t live there anymore. He lives in…” *my sister lies here, to see if it’ll trip her up* “…New York.”

Cashier: “I know that. He’s flying in for the weekend though. It’s our anniversary.”

(My sister catches the cashier in a lie, and I explode.)

Me: “Are you serious? Do you really think I’m going to buy this crazy story?!”

Cashier: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean he doesn’t live in New York. He doesn’t have a date with you this weekend, and he isn’t planning on proposing.”

Cashier: “How would you know that?!”

Me: “Because he’s already married. To me.”

(I see the color drain out of the cashier’s face. She knows she’s been caught in a lie and called out, so she tries acting like I just misunderstood her.)

Cashier: “Oh… I must have misspoke. I mean [my husband]’s brother. Sorry about that. I’m always mixing up names.”

Me: “He doesn’t have any brothers. If you were about to marry into his family, you would know that!”

(The cashier’s face turns completely red and she stops talking. My sister leaves her purchases on the counter and we leave, way too creeped out to do any more shopping!)