It Was A One-Horned Fabulous Purple People Lover

(I am a gay man, bringing my boyfriend lunch at work. I arrive right when his lunch break is scheduled, but he is busy with a customer. I stand to the side at an unused register, to wait for him.)

Elderly Customer: *to my boyfriend* “You are so adorable! Just the cutest smile… adorable cheeks… great eyes!”

My Boyfriend: *blushes* “Thank you, ma’am.”

Elderly Customer: “You would be PERFECT for my granddaughter. She’s about your age, you know!”

My Boyfriend: “Well, thank you, but I’m already taken.

(He points out the engagement ring I got him two years ago.)

Elderly Customer: “OH! That’s a beautiful wedding ring! When did you get married?”

My Boyfriend: “Actually, I’m not married; I’m engaged. We haven’t set a date for a ceremony yet.”

Elderly Customer: “What?! Engaged?! Since when do women give engagement rings to men?!”

My Boyfriend: “Well, ma’am, my engagement ring came from my boyfriend. He proposed to me, and we plan to hold a ceremony in the next year or two.”

Elderly Customer: “Boyfriend? What do you mean, ‘boyfriend?'”

My Boyfriend: “Well, I’m gay, ma’am. I’m engaged to another man.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, don’t be silly! You’re not gay!”

My Boyfriend: “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

Elderly Customer: “No, you’re not. Gay people don’t exist. It’s all a stupid liberal conspiracy.”

My Boyfriend: “I can assure you, ma’am, I’m gay, and we do exist.”

Elderly Customer: “No, you don’t! And, no, you aren’t! Gay people aren’t real. No one is gay, queer, homo, ‘special,’ ‘light in the loafers,’ or ‘limp wristed.’ Just because you aren’t a masculine man, honey, doesn’t mean you are less of a man.”

My Boyfriend: *dumbfounded*

(At this point, the customer turns to me since I’m standing nearby.)

Elderly Customer: “Can you believe this adorable boy, saying he’s gay? As if I was just born yesterday!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I can believe it. I’m the one who gave him the engagement ring he’s wearing.”

Elderly Customer: “What?! You think YOU’RE gay too?!”

Me: “I don’t think I am, ma’am, I know I am.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, for the love of God! Now you’re gonna tell me you are a unicorn, too! Or a fairy! Or the Loch Ness Monster!” *turns back to my boyfriend* “Don’t worry, sweetie. I am sure the unicorn boy over there just has you confused. I’ll send my granddaughter in so you can meet her!”

My Boyfriend: “Really, ma’am, that isn’t necessary.” *points at me* “I’m perfectly happy as is.”

Elderly Customer: *also points at me* “Don’t listen to the unicorn! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!”

My Boyfriend: “Okay, ma’am. Well, here is your receipt. You have a good day!”

(The customer proceeds to take her bags, walks a few feet away, grabs the closest coworker, and points to my boyfriend and me. Note that my coworker hasn’t heard any of the conversation.)

Elderly Customer: “See them? They are unicorns!”

Coworker: “Wait… what?”

Elderly Customer: “They are unicorns! Sparkly, flittery, girly unicorns!”

Coworker: *confused* “Okay, ma’am. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Elderly Customer: “You do that.” *turns to us as she walks out* “Bye bye, unicorns!”

This story is part of our Unicorn roundup!

Read the next Unicorn roundup story!

Read the Unicorn roundup!