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    I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

    | Urbana, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

    Me: “$229, sir.”

    Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the internet, right?”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “How does it get the internet without any wires?”

    Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any wi-fi netwo-”

    Customer: “WHOA! Wi-fi? I can’t use wi-fi!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

    Me: “…no?”

    Customer: “Wi-fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our wi-fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

    (He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

    Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

    Me: “Oh…OK…”

    Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

    (He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light’, while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

    Me: “…cool…”

    Customer: “YEAH IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

    Me: “Um…yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then, is there anything else you need help with?”

    Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

    Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

    Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

    Me: “…”