How To Scam A Scammer, Part 5

(It’s about closing time, and I’m doing the final stock of the tobacco stuff, while a police officer, there because of problems with theft of in-store merchandise, writes out his nightly report. In walks a very short person, obviously under 19, whiter than Casper, and dressed like a pimp.)

Short Pimp: “Packa Players!”

Me: “ID?”

SP: “What?”

Me: “I need to see your ID, or you can’t have ’em.”

SP: “You don’t need my ID! I’m 21!” *starts cussing*

Me: “Yes, but we have to ask if you look under 40, so hand it over.”

SP: “Well, you’re giving me the smokes anyway, and for free now because of the way you’re treating me.”

Me: “Uh-huh, and I’m Bill Gates.”

SP: “Fine! Here’s my f****** ID!” *hands over an obviously fake ID*

Me: “Okay, do you have a real ID?”

SP: “That is real, a**hole!”

Me: “Dude, no it isn’t. If you’re gonna use a fake ID, get someone who can at least spell Ontario.”

SP: “FINE! I’ll just shoot you and take what I want!

(Short Pimp sticks his hand in his pocket and pretends that there’s a gun in there.)

Me: “Right, because a cop totally isn’t standing right behind you with his very real gun at the back of your head.”

(Officer Cool Guy has gotten up and pulled his “very real gun” [read: just his nightstick, but held like a gun] on Short Pimp, but SP doesn’t know that.)

SP: “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

Me: “Next time, try [Competing Gas Station], and don’t come back.”

(Once SP left, Officer Cool Guy and I tried very hard not to burst out laughing.)