Harry Potter And The Disorder Of The Forks-Flicks

(I am a customer at a bookstore. I am browsing a few shelves when another customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

(I think I’m blocking her way, so I move two feet over.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why the f*** are you walking away from me, you f***ing little c***?! I’ll have you fired for this!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I think you’re conf—”

Customer: “You little w****! You think you can sell my daughter these trashy novels, and expect to get away with it? She told me all about the saleslady who told her ‘Oh, you don’t want the Twilight series, Harry Potter is much better!’ Well, I’m telling you right now, my daughter DOES want the Twilight series. So, you better exchange the books right now, you b****!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s been a mistake. I don’t work here.”

Customer: “DON’T YOU LIE TO ME, YOU LITTLE S***!”

(The woman whaps me over the head with a hardcover book. This one is the fifth Harry Potter and therefore the thickest. I stumble backwards, and fall on my butt. At this point, an actual employee has noticed the situation, and has called for mall security. He runs over to try to break it up.)

Employee: “Ma’am, you can’t hit other customers!”

Customer: “That’s not a customer, and don’t you lie to me! I know it’s another one of your second rate employees, trying to get out of exchanging my books!”

(The customer proceeds to kick me as I’m still on the ground. When the employee tries to stop her, she hits him across the face with the book as well. He doesn’t fall over; instead, he grabs her arm and gets the book from her. She continues to try attacking, so he puts her in a headlock to immobilize her.)

Customer: “YOU’RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF LITTLE F***ERS WHO DON’T WANT TO RETURN MY BOOK! WELL, I’M GETTING ALL YOU A**HOLES FIRED!”

(After screaming more profanities, security finally shows up. She is escorted out in handcuffs and is currently serving jail time for assault and battery. I ended up with a concussion, but I got a five-hundred-dollar gift card to the store as compensation. I also got a date with the employee who came to my rescue!)

This story is part of our “I Don’t Work Here” roundup!

Read the next roundup story!

Read the roundup!