Drunk Punch Love

(I’m the assistant manager at a liquor store. One day, a customer with whom we’ve previously had problems comes in clearly intoxicated. She begins berating a new female employee, who refuses to sell the customer alcohol due to her drunkenness. Note that this new employee has been on the job only two days. The employee is getting scared and upset, so I step in.)

Me: *to the customer* “Hey, you know I can’t sell you anything when your like this.”

Drunken customer: “You can’t refuse me! I’ll kick your a**!”

(There is a line forming behind her. I calmly ask her to leave or I’ll call the police. Note: I’m 6’4″ 240 lbs. She starts swinging at me about five or six times, but lands only two very weak slaps on my face. I stand perfectly still and let her do it, knowing she is too drunk to do any harm to me. I turn to the customers
hanging back in line.)

Me: *to line of customers* “I would like to ask if you all saw her assault me, because I’m calling the police.”

(Fortunately, another regular of ours is a local police detective. He saw the whole thing as he was walking in from the parking lot, and immediately cuffs her and charges her with being drunk in public and assault.)

Me: *to the detective* “Glad you stopped in. I’m sick of dealing with that woman. Thanks. I owe you a six pack, on me!”

Detective: “Save it for tomorrow, and come over to my house for a barbecue I’m having…”

(When I get there the next day, the new employee who got berated by the drunk customer was there too. Turns out she was the detective’s niece, but I had no idea. Even better: she and I hit it off at that barbecue. We’re getting married next June!)