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    Grannies: Gotta Love ‘Em

    | West Texas, USA | Top

    (A new employee informs me that she spotted a little boy sneaking some candy in his pants. I confront the boy and an older woman about it.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Hey, kiddo, what’s in your pocket?”

    Boy: “Nothing!”

    Granny: “Oh, h***, again?! Boy, if you don’t put that d***ed candy back, that lady gonna call the po-po on you! And I ain’t gonna stop her none.”

    (The boy, crying, hands me 2 candy bars and a handful of suckers. I thank the lady, and get back to work. A few minutes later, the boy’s mother comes up to me.)

    Mama: “Is that the b****?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Mama: “Aint’ talking to you.”

    Boy: “Yes, mama.”

    Mama: “Girl, you being rude to my son?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Mama: “So why you take away his candy?”

    Me: “Because it wasn’t paid for.”

    Mama: “Says who? I got him that candy!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s at least 100 degrees outside, and your boy had unmelted chocolate in his pocket. He didn’t bring that in with him. Besides, he was seen taking the candy off the shelf.”

    Mama: “What? Who said that?” *turns to the other cashiers* “Which one of you a**holes told on my boy?”

    Me: “Excuse me, but that’s not important.”

    Mama: “What’s your point, then?!”

    Me: “The point is, your boy was caught stealing.”

    Mama: “Forget about the d***ed candy, you nosy b****! Ain’t none of your business!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your son was spotted shoplifting, which is a crime. You’re lucky I don’t report him.”

    Mama: “You stupid b****! I don’t give a flying f*** about the candy!”

    (She raises her hands as if to hit me.)

    Me, to a coworker: “Call the manager, he should be in by now.”

    (Just then, Granny appears out of nowhere and smacks her daughter with her handbag.)

    Granny: “WHAT THE H*** YOU DOING, GIRL?” *continues to smack and berate her daughter* “Upsetting people like that! No common sense! S***! YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!”

    Mama: “But, Ma–”

    Granny: “SHUT YOUR MOUTH GIRL! GET IN THE D***ED CAR!” *turns to me* “I’m so sorry about that. She crazy, I swear to God. She’ll never come back in here, I promise.”

    Me: “…”

    Granny, to daughter: “CAN’T TAKE YOUR CRAZY A** NOWHERE! S***!”

    (She walks out like nothing happened, and true to her word, I’ve not seen that lady since.)

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