Me: “Thank you for calling [store].”

Caller: “I was talking with my friend, about that game I wanted for my grandson? ‘Uncharted Drake’s Fortune’? I thought it was clean, but my friend told me it isn’t clean!”

Me: “Clean, ma’am?”

Caller: “You know, clean! Not evil?”

Me: “It’s only rated ‘T’ for ‘teen’, ma’am.”

Caller: “But is it clean? I don’t want my grandson playing any evil games. What’s this game about?”

(I describe the premise of the game.)

Caller: “So you’re killing the bad guys, then? You’re the good guy?”

Me: “Exactly, ma’am.”

Caller: “So you’re like God striking down Satan?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, something like that.”

Caller: “Oh, good, I’m so glad! Now my friend was telling me that in this game people are digging up graves. Is that true? That’s just not Christian!”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s only the bad guys digging up graves and making zombies.”

Caller: “What’s a zombie? I’ve never heard of this.”

Me: “Dead bodies that come back to life, ma’am? They’re supernatural creatures, like vampires or werewolves.”

Caller: “Oh! This game isn’t going to teach my grandson to do any of that horrible witchcraft, is it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, like I said, only the bad guys are doing that. You’re the good guy; you’re trying to stop them.”

Caller: “Oh, okay, then. Well thank you so much, and God bless you and everyone at your store, and God be with you!”

(This happened about 6 or 7 years ago when I was a teenager. I had long hair then and sometimes wore it in pigtails. I’m finishing up a transaction with a customer.)

Customer: “Aw, I just love your hair! It looks so cute!”

Me: “Thanks! I like wearing it up like this, but it makes me look younger than I am. I get called ‘hun’ and ’sweetheart’ a lot when it’s up.”

Customer: *gasps* “Now you listen here! I’m one of those ones who calls people ‘hun’ and I don’t like your attitude. You need to learn to take a compliment and not be such a brat!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *grabs her stuff out of my hands, marches away, and slams the door behind her*

(A mother approaches me with her daughter.)

Customer: “I’m hosting some of my daughters friends for the night and I couldn’t find your condoms.” *puts her hand on her daughter’s head* “Lucy is turning 13.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, condoms! Ketchup and mustard. We’re having a BBQ. It’s simple. Where are they?”

Me: “Oh! Condiments.”

Customer: “Yes, condoms. Where are they?”

Related:
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
You Got The Wrong(est) Number

Customer: “How thick do you slice my bread?”

Me: “It depends how thick you’d like it. We have both a thin and thick slicer.” *gestures to show each thickness*

Customer: “Are you sure that’s as thick as you slice the bread? Show me a thick slice. Maybe you got it wrong.”

Me: “Okay, one moment.” *gets a thick slice of bread*

Customer: “That’s it? THAT’S your thick slice? You didn’t grab the thin by mistake?”

Me: “No, sir, I made sure to get a thick slice. I don’t have to slice it if you’d rather do it yourself.”

Customer: “No! I shouldn’t have to slice it myself to make it filling! You should change your bread. I’m used to good, thick European bread. You shouldn’t even be called a bakery, you don’t make real bread!”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t actually make the bread. I just sell it.”

Customer: “Oh, and I suppose you didn’t name the company either?”

Me: “No, I didn’t.”

Customer: “DON’T GET SMART WITH ME!”

(A guest orders her ticket and pulls out her wallet.)

Customer: “Oh, I have a gift card!”

(The guest holds out white plastic card with our logo on it.)

Me: “This is an employee swipe card. We use them for signing in and out at the beginning and end of a shift.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “Where did you get this?”

Customer: “I found it.”

(The guest is about to return the card to her wallet.)

Me: “I’m going to need to hold on to that…”

Me: “Hi, this is *** how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I just bought a Xbox 360 and it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Could you describe the problem ma’am?”

Caller: “It won’t turn on. I took it out of the box and it won’t turn on.”

Me: “Are all the cables plugged into the system TV and wall outlet?”

Caller: “I have to plug it in?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. It will not work unless it is plugged in.”

Caller: “How do I do that?”

(I go through the steps of connecting the AV cables and the power plug.)

Caller:  “It still won’t turn on.”

Me: “Did you push the power button?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “The big round button on the front of the console.”

Caller: “I don’t know why you make these machines so difficult to use!” *hangs up*

Customer: “Two senior tickets for [film].”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re no longer playing that film.”

Customer: “What? But you were playing it yesterday!”

Me: “Well, we usually get new movies on Friday.”

Customer: “My friend looked online and it said it was playing here.”

Me: “What website did you friend go to? Did it say the film would be playing here on Friday? Sometimes the websites get the movie listings wrong.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I’m a native New Yorker and if this was New York, you’d be shot!”

(Our library helps a lot of people finish off the crossword puzzles from their newspapers. I’d helped one man find the answer to a very difficult one earlier in the day. I overhear a lady asking her about the same crossword to my colleague.

Me: “Excuse me, the answer is ‘Salome’.”