Eat, Drink, And Be Merry Christmas

(It is the day after Christmas. Around one pm, a guy in his late twenties walks in. Given his eyes, scruffy appearance, and behavior, he is clearly hungover from the holiday.)

Customer:  “For the love of God, can you please tell me where I can buy beer in this bizarre state?!”

(Unlike most surrounding states, Pennsylvania doesn’t allow sale of beer in convenience or grocery stores. Most people get their beer from ‘beverage distributors,’  which are separate from wine and liquor stores. I assume he’s visiting relatives and isn’t from the area.)

Me: “Oh, yeah, PA is a little weird. The best place is Beer-to-Go in [Next Town Over]. Or you can just go to [Local Bar] like I usually do.”

Regular #1: “Dude, you should go to [Other Bar]. It’s farther but it has great fried chicken.”

Regular #2: “No, man, [Third Bar] is closest and cheapest.”

(Several of the regulars get into a heated discussion of the best local bar. At this point, the hungover customer looks a little uneasy, as many of our ‘redneck’ patronage can seem a little intimidating when you first meet them.)

Customer: “No, I really don’t have time to drive anywhere, and I’m in trouble if I don’t bring some beer back with me.”

Me: “Oh, I know [Pizzeria] sells six packs. Right on the square on the other side of the street. They don’t have great variety but they’ll work in a pinch.”

Customer #1: “You’re telling me that the best place to get booze in this town is a freaking pizza joint?” *mumbles to himself* “And she wants me to move down here with these crappy laws and d*** hicks. I need a drink.”

(The guy walks out without buying or looking at anything else. Everyone watches him as he leaves and there’s a few seconds of silence.)

Regular #1: “Annnddd that’s why I don’t invite my in-laws to my house for Christmas.”