Don’t Make A Dare With The Hair

(A customer comes into our sandwich shop. Instead of ordering at the counter, he sits down and spends 15 minutes staring at us from the table. However, he ignores all of our attempts to talk to him. Finally, he storms up to the register where I am and starts yelling.)

Customer: “When the f*** is one of your waiters going to take my f***ing order? I’ve been waiting here for half an hour!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have waiters. You have to come up to the register to take your order. I’ll be happy to take your order for you, and we’ll probably have it ready before you finish paying.”

Customer: “No, my friend told me this is a classy joint! Classy joints have waiters! Now get a f***ing waiter out here or I’m leaving!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have waiters, and if you insist on swearing at me I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “Make me f***er! Come at me, bro! You’re just a f***** with girl hair!”

(Note: I am a man with shaggy hair.)

Me: “Sir, please leave.”

Customer: “Suck my ****!”

(Fed up, my manager intervenes.)

Manager: “I’m calling the cops, so you can tell them to suck your **** all you like if you’re still here when they get here.”

Customer: *points at me* “Send this little f***** outside! I’ll be in the alley!”

(The customer storms out through the back door, which is for employees only. As my manager starts to dial the cops, he turns to me.)

Manager: *conspiratorially* “Hey, if you wanna take a break out in the alley, that’s cool.”

Me: “Excellent!”

(I go out the back door and find the belligerent customer still there.)

Customer: *sees me and freezes in place*

Me: *jumps over the rail separating us*

Customer: *takes off running*

(Instead of giving chase, I returned to the store. The police called a few minutes later telling us they had him in custody.)