The Course Is Strong With This One

(It is 1999, and “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” is only days from its release. The calculus teacher at my school is a notorious Star Wars fan. At this time we are also participating in Olive Garden’s “Pasta for Pennies” charity, where every classroom keeps a white bucket up front and students drop pennies into it so that the homeroom that donates the most pennies wins free food.)

English Teacher: “So your assignment for Monday is to write an essay discussing the major themes in [novel] we covered today and yesterday.”

(I raise my hand.)

English Teacher: “Yes, [my name]?”

Me: “How long does it have to be?”

English Teacher: “Let’s say one to three pages. But if you really—”

(Suddenly, the door bursts open and the calculus teacher jumps inside with the Pasta for Pennies bucket on his head and a toy light saber in his hand.)

Calculus Teacher: “Did anyone here see a bounty hunter wearing a green helmet?”

English Teacher: “What… the… f***?”

Calculus Teacher: “A true Jedi has no use for such language!”

(The calculus teacher pushes a button on his toy light saber and it lights up and begins making electronic crashing sounds. He smacks it against the side of the English teacher’s podium, and it utters a loud ‘KKHHKHHKH.’)

Calculus Teacher: “You see, he’s quiet now. The Force has great influence over the weak-minded.” *waves his hand like Obi-Wan Kenobi* “You never saw me here!”

(The calculus teacher then tears out of the classroom and down the hall at full speed.)

Classmate: “Uh… Mr. [English teacher’s name], what were you saying about the essay?”

(The English teacher lowers his head and presses his face against the podium.)

English Teacher: “Never mind.”

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