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    Doesn’t Give Two Hoots About Listening

    | AB, Canada | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (My city is having an annual festival in the downtown area. I have an animatronic owl that I like to bring out on such occasions. It sits on my shoulder and moves in a very life-like manner. Kids love it and are very respectful of it. Adults, on the other hand are not. A woman grabs me by the shoulder, spins me around, and yells…)

    Woman: “WHAT IS THAT?!”

    Me: “Whoa… um, please don’t touch me. It’s a puppet.”

    (I begin to walk away, but she grabs me again and tries to knock the owl off my shoulder.)

    Woman: “IT LOOKS SO REAL! WHY DO YOU HAVE AN OWL ON YOUR SHOULDER?! HAVING A PET OWL IS ILLEGAL!”

    Me: “Again, please don’t touch me, and DO NOT touch my puppet. And it IS a puppet, not real. It’s made of faux fur, polymer and cables.”

    (The woman starts yelling to a police officer, who is monitoring the event.)

    Woman: “THIS WOMAN HAS A PET OWL! ARREST HER! IT’S ILLEGAL!”

    (The officer comes over, and examines my owl puppet.)

    Officer: “So how does this thing work?”

    (I explain how I control it with a hidden cable, and how it’s made.)

    Woman: “SHE’S LYING! THAT’S A REAL BIRD!”

    Officer: “Ma’am, it’s obviously a puppet. A very neat and realistic puppet, but a puppet all the same. I’m going to have to ask you to stop yelling; you’re causing a disturbance.”

    Woman: “DON’T LET HER FOOL YOU! IT’S A REAL BIRD!”

    (I remove the owl from my shoulder, showing that it stays put with magnets and reveal the hidden cable.)

    Woman: “MURDERER! YOU MURDERED AN INNOCENT OWL! MURDERER!”

    Officer: “Okay, that’s it. You’re coming with me!”

    Always Try To Be Nice

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    Don’t Be Forward, Just Lean Forward

    | Springfield, VA, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (A customer with rather large breasts approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me; can you help me please?”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am. What can I help you find today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for books about plastic surgery.”

    Me: “Ah, I see. Well, let’s just look on the computer and see what we can come up with. Do you have a particular area you’re interested in reading about?”

    Customer: “I bet you can’t guess!”

    Me: “I wouldn’t want to be forward!”

    Customer: “Well, breast reduction surgery, then. Shy, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Just a little, yes. Let’s see what I can find.”

    Customer: “I’m always having back problems! These are just too big; I want to see if I can get them smaller.”

    Me: “It’s probably best to check with a doctor first, but maybe we can find something that will help you know what questions to ask.”

    Customer: “Well, don’t you agree they’re too big?”

    Me: “Er, again, I wouldn’t like to be forward.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on. You can touch them and see how big they are for yourself!”

    Me: “WHAT!”

    Customer: “C’mon, touch ‘em!”

    (The customer reaches for my wrist.)

    Me: “No, that’s okay!”

    Customer: “TOUCH MY PUPPIES!”

    Me: “Let me see if I can find someone more experienced with this.”

    Customer: “Why won’t shy guys touch my breasts!?”

    Maybe Crazy Is In Her Nature

    | Portland, OR, USA | Bizarre, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I have fairly long hair, which is dyed dark forest green. I am looking in the produce section, when someone grabs a handful of my hair and pulls on it as hard as they can. I cry out in pain and turn around to see an old woman glaring at me.)

    Me: “That hurt! Why would you do that?”

    Old Woman: “That didn’t hurt you, ya’ big baby! Anyone can see that hair ain’t real!”

    (She reaches for my hair again; I back up and almost knock over a small wire display rack.)

    Me: “Don’t touch me!”

    (By now we’ve attracted the attention of a nearby manager.)

    Manager: “Is there a problem here?”

    Old Woman: “Yes there is! This is a natural market! I come here to see natural things, and that hair ain’t natural! I want her out of here!”

    Manager: “I can’t do that, but I can call the police because I’m pretty sure pulling someone’s hair counts as assault.”

    (The old lady looks stunned, and hurries away. The manager makes sure I’m alright before she goes on her way.)

    Should Take Stock Of Their Stupidity

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    Customer: “Excuse me; do you have this item in a smaller size?”

    Me: *checking computer* “Unfortunately we don’t, but [other location 15 minutes away] is showing several. Would you like us to bring one over for you within the next couple of days? Or, if you like, we can call and have them hold it if you want to go there.”

    Customer: “We were there two weeks ago and they didn’t have it. Your computer must be wrong.”

    Me: “I’ll of course call to confirm their totals, but since we get stock in all the time it is possible that they have received some between then and now.”

    Customer: “What do you mean, you ‘get stock all the time?’”

    Me: “Well, every once in a while we get shipments to replace anything we’ve sold out of, or to bring in new merchandise.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid.”


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