(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed. We’re watching an episode of ‘Star Trek’ in which Scotty plays a significant role. My hand is unintentionally placed near my boyfriend’s lap.)
Me: “Beam me up, Scotty!”
Boyfriend: *looking at my hand* “You know, you could beam something up, too…”
Me: “Um. Seriously?”
Boyfriend: “Make it so!”
(My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage. We have decided we would like to get married on Halloween. The state we live in happens to have a city genuinely called Hell. I text him excitedly.)
Me: “So, since we’re getting married on Halloween, do you want to get married in Hell?”
Boyfriend: “Haha! Sure!”
Me: “Yes! Whoo hoo! We’re dark! Just so you know, I would also marry you on Valentine’s Day in Loveland. Or any day. In any city.”
Boyfriend: “Easter on Easter Island? Christmas on Christmas Island? Columbus Day in Columbus, Ohio?”
Me: “Canada Day in Canada, even! Boxing Day in a Boxing ring! Wearing nothing but socks. Decorations only clocks. My maid of honor would be a fox! And instead of rings, we’d exchange keys to locks!”
Boyfriend: “Badabing!”
(My brother is a smart kid. He is also a bit of a joker. He’s talking to one of the kids at his school.)
Brother: “You shouldn’t drink from the fountains here. I heard they found high levels of dihydrogen monoxide in the water.”
Student: “So that’s why the water tastes funny…”
(I work at a restaurant in a very rich town, in which I also live. I am getting my hair done at a ‘posh’ salon when I see one of my regulars from the restaurant sitting in the first chair.)
Me: “Hello Mrs. [Customer]. Good to see you.”
Customer: “Oh, hel— Aren’t you my waitress from the place down the road?”
Me: “Yes, I am. How are you doing today?”
Customer: “I didn’t know people like you were allowed in a place like this.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
(At this point my stylist comes over to bring me to her station.)
Customer: *to stylist* “Honey, did you know this girl is a waitress? Are you sure she has enough money to pay? You may want to check before you start serving her.”
Stylist: “Ma’am, [My Name] has been a client here for two years. She’s very reliable.”
Customer: “Oh, my. What a waste of money. Poor girls like you should not be wasting their money on things like this. Don’t you have a child to care for or something of the like?”
(At this point everyone in the salon is quite uncomfortable and is staring at the three of us.)
Me: “I’m so sorry, Mrs. [Customer]. I actually only work at the restaurant because I don’t like to spend my time being unproductive. You see, I am a college student at [Very Prestigious College]. I am currently studying to be a biomedical engineer, which I’ll have you know is the second top-grossing career currently. And since it seems to matter to you so much, I’m quite financially comfortable! And even if I were a poor waitress, as you so kindly suggested, people are free to do whatever they like with the money they work so hard for! Your husband comes in twice a week to get coffee and sit at our counter and complain about you! So really, Mrs. [Customer], I’m very, very sorry for you.”
(A group of us are renting out a nature center to do an unrelated overnight retreat. It is the morning and we are eating breakfast. The wildlife experts start coming in, bringing some animals with them.)
Snake Owner: “Hey. This snake isn’t poisonous. Any of you want to hold it?”
Me: “Ooh! I do! I do!”
Snake Owner: “Cool. I need to run back to my car. Just hold on to it for a sec, will you?”
(The snake owner runs off to his car. In the meantime, the snake is slithering around in my hoodie, and eventually nestles in the hood. The teacher in charge of the retreat walks in.)
Teacher: “Hey, [My Name]. We need you to—”
(The snake rears up suddenly.)
Teacher: “AHHH! Oh, my God. Don’t move! There’s a snake in your sweater!”
(I decide to make the best of it. I turn to look at my classmate.)
Me: “No! No! My lord! You promised if I retrieved the Horcrux, I could go free! Please!”
Classmate: *completely seriously* “Lord Voldemort has no mercy on Mudbloods. Nagini, STRIKE!”
Me: “Noooooooo!”
(I fell over as dramatically as possible without hurting the snake. The wildlife man came back in to find me on the floor, the teacher screaming, and my classmates dying of laughter.)
This story is part of our Snakes roundup!
