(A family approach my counter.)

Customer: “Uh. Can I get a number six, with mac and cheese? And a medium drink.”

(His family orders their food, and I make the sandwich—his number six— and plate the rest of the food. Our number six doesn’t come with a biscuit, but his father and mother’s meals do.)

Customer: “Hey. HEY!”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “We’re short one biscuit.”

(Even though I know he isn’t, I give him one. Five minutes later, I see him stand up, and start screaming.)

Customer: “IT’S NOT JUST THIS RESTAURANT; IT’S ALL FAST FOOD!”

(He barges up, and slams his sandwich down.)

Customer: “I ORDERED A NUMBER 12! THIS HAS A BUN! I WANTED THE ONE WITH NO BUN!

Me: “Oh, gosh, I’m sorry! I thought you said number six! That one comes with a bun! Sorry, again!”

Customer: “I DID ORDER A NUMBER SIX, BUT I WANTED A NUMBER 12! WASN’T IT OBVIOUS!?”

Customer: “Excuse me, I have a ques—oh.”

(She folds her arms, and eyes me critically.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, I doubt you would know. You look awfully young.”

(I am 21, but look younger.)

Me: “I’m older than I look. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “No, I really don’t think you would know. You look like a d*** little kid!”

(I raise my eyebrows and stare at her.)

Customer: “I guess that was a little rude, huh.”

Me: “More than a little. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Like I said, I doubt it. I like that pink plant over there, but I don’t know anything about it.”

(I rattle off the plant’s name, sun preference, average height and width, and how often to water and fertilize it.)

Customer: “Huh! You did know all about it! I just seem to keep offending people today; every time I open my mouth!”

Me: “Maybe try keeping it shut.”

(It’s the night before Mother’s Day, and around 3 am we get a large shipment of roses. A young customer comes in and sees the huge display, which has over 100 bouquets.)

Young Customer: “Oh man! You’re killing me with all these flowers!”

Me: “What?”

Young Customer: “I just gotta get some!”

(He grabs a full bouquet of a dozen roses plus a single rose, and then comes up to my register.)

Young Customer: “My momma always told me that if you give a lady a rose on Mother’s Day, it’ll make her smile the whole day long, don’t even matter if she’s a mother or not. I’m gonna make 13 lucky ladies smile today!”

Me: “Aww, that’s so sweet!”

(I finish ringing him up, and he turns to leave. Suddenly, he turns around and hands me the single rose.)

Young Customer: “You’re lady number 1!”

(He then runs out the door before I can think of anything to say. I have to admit though, I really did end up smiling all day because of it!)

(A very common occurrence at music/guitar stores, is people buying guitar strings for prison style tattoo guns. While not illegal, it is stupid, and can be dangerous.

Customer: “Hey man, I need an F string.”

Me: “E,A,D,G B,E… there isn’t such a thing as an F string.”

Customer: “Oh, I need… uhm… the smallest one.”

Me: “Is it for tattooing?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Man, it’s not illegal, but steel strings can contain residual nickel content from manufacturing. If the person you use it on is allergic to nickel—which is common—they will have a horrible reaction. Go to a smoke shop; they have needles there.”

(The customer leaves for 20 minutes, and then comes back in.)

Customer: “I need that string.”

(I direct him to the counter where strings are sold. My coworker rings him up. He leaves again without the string. I speak to my coworker.)

Me: “What happened?”

Coworker: “The card the customer presented for the $0.85 transaction was declined.”

(A few minutes pass. An angry young woman storms in.)

Woman: “I demand to see the manager! My boyfriend used my state benefits card to try and buy a guitar string!”

(I can guess what has happened. The state had to freeze her benefits card, since it was used to try and buy something other than food.)

Woman: “You froze my card; how the f*** am I supposed to buy milk for my d*** baby?”

Manager: “Ma’am, we don’t have the authority to freeze your card.”

Woman: “My boyfriend used it here, and you declined him! Now my f****** card won’t work at all!”

Manager: “Again, we can’t freeze your card. The state probably flagged it for misuse.”

Woman: “I can’t even buy f****** gas to get home, because I need f****** milk for my d*** baby! How am I going to f****** get home?”

Manager: “That’s not our responsibility, and I have to ask you to stop cursing in front of my other customers.”

(The woman immediately turns demure.)

Woman: “I’m sorry; I just can’t afford gas and milk.”

Manager: “But the guitar string was a necessity?”

Woman: “No, I guess not.”

(She leaves. I almost wanted to feel sorry for her, but it was impossible, given her terrible attitude and misuse of the system.)

(An elderly man walks up to the toppings bar.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Miss?”

Me: “What can I help you with, sir?”

Customer: “Have you got anything with meat in it?”

(This is a frozen yogurt bar. We have various kinds of fruity and sweet yogurts and toppings. No one would usually expect to find meat anywhere.)

Me: “Um, no, sir. Sorry about that.”

Customer: “F****** vegans and vegetarians are taking over the whole f****** world! You haven’t got anything with some beef in it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s actually a kind of unusual request because this is basically dessert stuff.”

Customer: “I’m an American! I ain’t a vegetarian! I eat meat in my dessert because this is America, d*** it!”

(The customer throws his yogurt on the floor, making a huge mess. The next customer jumps out of the way, then resumes getting toppings while I clean.)

Customer #2: “Just when you think you’ve seen it all!”