(A regular customer comes in every Thursday night without fail. She comes in to see what new jewellery we have in stock. On this day, her boyfriend has come into the store at about 1 pm. He specifically asks for me.)

Boyfriend: “Hi, [My Name]. As you know, [Regular Customer] will be coming in tonight. I need your help to find her the most perfect diamond engagement ring. I don’t want to ask her what she wants. I want her to choose. But… I don’t want her to know. Can you help me?”

Me: “Oh, absolutely! I’ve already got some ideas! Now, when you come in tonight, please just act normal. Then play along, okay?”

Boyfriend: “Okay! I knew you could help me with this!”

(I go speak with my manager and explain everything. She agrees that I can help. Approximately six hours pass. I see the regular customer walking into the store, with her boyfriend behind her. She does her normal look around the store. I’m standing behind the diamond ring section, pretending to clean some of the rings. She eventually makes her way to my section.)

Me: “Good evening, [Regular Customer]. Come to admire our jewels again?”

Regular Customer: “This is like Nirvana for me! I absolutely love this store. Always nice staff and nice jewels!”

Me: “And, as always, it’s lovely to see you again.”

(The boyfriend is looking a little green at this stage. I know the nerves are really starting to kick in.)

Me: “Here’s a new diamond ring that came in today.”

(I hand her the diamond ring, and she is admiring it.)

Regular Customer: “Nope. Doesn’t do anything for me.”

(I find a couple of other new rings and show them to her.)

Me: “What about these? Any of these catch your eye?”

Regular Customer: “Not really. I’m such a fusspot!”

Me: *taking a chance* “Would you like to see a ring on your finger?”

Regular Customer: “Oh… That’s pretty! I like that one!”

Me: “Good choice! It even has matching wedding bands, so you will be able to have the whole set.”

Regular Customer: “I like that. Less hassle before a wedding!”

(I take the ring from her and give it another polish. I stand back a little and watch what I know is about to happen.)

Boyfriend: “So, this one?”

(In a split moment, the boyfriend gets down on one knee. He holds the ring up to her and asks her to marry him, right in front of me.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, my god! YES!”

(I now have tears in my eyes. The manager rushes over and dumps a whole heap of confetti on them both. I reach underneath my counter and present a champagne bucket with champagne on ice and two glasses.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, [My Name]. You knew all along! You knew he would do this! Thank you so, so much for helping him!”

Boyfriend: “How can I ever thank you?”

Me: “Just come back and get your wedding rings from me!”

(After the shock and excitement died down a little, we cracked open the champagne. We toasted the happy couple (my champagne was in a coffee cup!). They left about half an hour later. The couple returned to the store about an hour after leaving, with a HUGE arrangement of flowers and my favourite bottle of perfume. It most definitely made my day!)

(My boyfriend and I are both trying to lose some weight. We are currently cuddling on top of the bed.)

Me: *nudging him* “What are you thinking about?”

Boyfriend: “Sex.”

Me: “…okay, then.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, I’m sorry. You were expecting something profound?”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I was. You make something profound up right now!”

Boyfriend: “Okay, I was thinking about my inner soul.”

Me: “You have an outer soul, too?”

Boyfriend: “Yes. You see in heaven, when I was lined up by the soul-machine before being sent to earth, the guy in front of me bent down to tie his shoe lace. So, I got my nice hot looking soul inside, and then his fat-a** soul wrapped around me. And it’s telling me to eat cake!”

(We are discussing language and politeness in class.)
Lecturer: “Okay. Say if your lecturer had given you their fish to look after, and you accidentally killed it. How would you tell them?”

Student: “Why has the lecturer given me their fish? Isn’t that breaking the politeness/respect barrier in the first place?”

Lecturer: “Well, maybe it was for an experiment or something.”

Me: “I’m a linguistics student, not a scientist!”

Student #2: “Linguistics is a science!”

Student #1: “What kind of linguistic experiments am I running with goldfish, anyway?”

Lecturer: “Can we get back to the point? How would you tell your lecturer you’d accidentally killed their goldfish?”

Student #1: “Sorry. It turns out that taking a goldfish out of water doesn’t give it the ability to speak language. But at least we know now!”

(My school holds writing tutorials in a very large room. People are often doing different things depending on where they’re sitting. My friend and I sit down for the writing tutorial where they’re normally held. Teacher #1 is there. She knows me very well.)

Teacher #1: “Okay, so we have [Student #1], [Student #2], [Student #3], and… Oh, [My Name]! Good to see you.”

(I smile politely, although I think it’s a bit strange that she greeted us individually.)

Teacher #1: “As you know, we welcome all students, whether or not they’ve worked on yearbooks before…”

(My friend and I exchange glances and realise we’re in the wrong place. We stay there awkwardly for a few moments, not wanting to interrupt the teacher.)

Teacher #2: *across the room* “Everyone who’s here for the writing tutorial, it’s over here.”

(My friend and I get up to leave.)

Teacher #1: “[My Name], you’re not joining yearbook club?”
Me: “Uh… No. Sorry?”

Teacher #1: “Noooooo! I had such high hopes!”

(My girlfriend has just gotten home from practice and hasn’t showered yet. I try to cuddle her but she pushes me away.)

Girlfriend: “Stop. I’m gross right now.”

Me: “So? I don’t mind.”

Girlfriend: “No, [My Name]…”

(I finally get up and start working on something else. Ten minutes later…)

Girlfriend: “Hey. Why am I not being cuddled?”

Me: “You told me no, babe.”

Girlfriend: “Oh… Well, never listen to me about that. Come cuddle!”