(I decide to visit my old work on the off-hours for a quick bite to eat. I am served by a new cashier.)

Cashier: “Okay. That will be $11.89. Press the confirm button to make sure your order is correct.”

(I go to press confirm when this occurs at the same time.)

Cashier: “Do yo—”

Me: “Do you want any sauce with that?”

Cashier: “Uh…”

Me: “Did I just ask you if you wanted sauce?”

Cashier: “Yup. You sound like you’d be fit for this place.”

Me: “I worked the day shift.”

Cashier: “Uh, well. Okay.”

Me: “I need to get out of the foodservice industry.”

Cashier: “Hey, at least you didn’t scream ‘THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!'”

(A few minutes pass. Another customer goes to order. She proceeds to yell at the cashier seconds after she finished placing her order. Having several years of bad customers under my belt I was pretty sure I could handle this one, even though I didn’t work there anymore.)

Me: “Pardon me, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “THIS CASHIER OF YOURS SCREWED UP MY ORDER! I WANT MY FOOD FOR FREE, AS IT’S THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO!”

(I see that this customer has ordered the food via a self-service order screen. The employee just reads the screen and then hands out the order.)

Me: “Ma’am, I find it hard to believe that this cashier managed to screw up an order that is entirely dependent on the customer’s order screen.”

Customer: “Don’t you dare talk back to me! It isn’t the Christian thing to do! God will ha—”

Me: “Pardon me for a second, but I don’t understand you. While I might not be Christian, you claim talking back to you is not Christian. I’m not sure at what point you manage to assume a role higher than God to be able to dictate what is and isn’t ‘Christian.’ In fact just by doing that you are breaking two of the seven deadly sins! I’m sure that isn’t the CHRISTIAN thing to do.”

Customer: “You’ll burn in Hell for this! I’ll make sure of it!”

Me: “But isn’t that conspiring with the D—”

Customer: “F*** YOU!”

(The customer proceeds to run out of the building.)

Cashier: “Wow…”

Me: “The sad part is, she is a regular here and has been pulling that for months. Well, you had your weird customer, and your first ‘Not Always Right.’ I guess it’s time for your first tip.”

Cashier: “This has been a long night…”

(The cashier and I have been best friends ever since. That was her first day working there. Thankfully, she never saw the lady again.)

This story is part of the Crazy-First-Day roundup!

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(Our science teacher hasn’t turned up for class. Some people went looking for him but couldn’t find him. The bell goes for the end of class. As everyone gets up to leave our teacher walks in.)

Teacher: “Oh. I got it wrong, didn’t I?”

(I’m the night supervisor at a supermarket. I’m in my 20s but look younger than I am.)

Customer: “I have wine here. You’ll need to call your supervisor.”

Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I am the supervisor on duty tonight.”

Customer: “Really? Surely you have to be old enough to drink it before you can sell it.”

Me: “Well, yes. But I am old enough to drink and have been for a few years now.”

Customer: “No, you haven’t. You look like a child.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you. I’m in my 20s. But I’ll take that as a compliment.”

(The customer begins to rant about child labour laws.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice night.”

Customer: “GO TO BED!”

(It’s the middle of January, in Ontario, early morning. I’m working the customer service/return desk when I get a call.)

Customer: *slightly hysterical* “I need your help! I just need you to listen. My ex-husband just dropped off a shed at my place but it’s the wrong size! He got me the wrong size! I need to return it!”

Me: “That’s not a problem. Just bring back the shed in the original box and the receipt. We can give you a full refund.”

Customer: “But I don’t want a refund. I want a god-d*** shed!”

Me: “I understand that. Just bring in the shed with the receipt and you can use the refund to buy a new shed.”

Customer: “Well, how does that work?”

Me: “We’ll refund the purchase to however much he paid for it. If it was cash, we’ll give you cash. If it was credit, then we’ll refund it to his card.”

Customer: “He paid cash!”

Me: “That’s fine. Bring in the receipt and we’ll give you cash. But I do need that receipt and the product in the original packaging. Without the receipt, I can still offer you store credit for the shed, but you may not get as much as he paid.”

Customer: “Okay. I’m going to have to get a cab, and you still have the box.”

Me: “I… what?”

Customer: “You still have the box. My ex-husband couldn’t fit it in his truck. So they took the shed out of the box and left the box behind.”

Me: “I need that box. I can’t take back something like that in bits and pieces. It has to come back in the same condition it left.”

Customer: “I need you to take it back! You still have the box!”

Me: “I appreciate your position, but I need that box. Without the receipt I can still offer you store credit but I can’t take it back without the box. I need it to sell it to someone else.”

Customer: “But I need you to take it back! It won’t fit! My ex-husband—”

Me: “Please, miss. Let me take a look around. If we’re lucky, the box hasn’t been sent to the compactor yet and we can put the shed back in the box when you get here. Give me your name and number. In 10 minutes I’ll call you back. It’s early and it’s been slow, so maybe I still have that box.”

Customer: “Okay. I’ve already called a cab to pick me up and take back this lousy shed! Call me back soon.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll do what I can. Please don’t leave until I call you back.”

(I give her my name and position, and end the call. I start going across the store looking for the box. The compactor is completely empty. It’s not by our loading area. I’m starting to suspect something isn’t quite right. I go out to our outdoor garden area, which is where the sheds are stored. The area is closed for the season. It has two feet of snow and not a single footprint since the last snowfall. No one has sold a shed today. I call the customer back but only get voice mail. The customer has already left, there is no box, and no one remembers selling or loading a shed. I leave a message anyway, asking the customer to call me back, and that I can’t find the box. Three hours later I get a call.)

Customer: “Is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I called earlier about the shed? I just got back and got your message.”

Me: “Okay. So, I—”

Customer: “I came into your store and returned the shed. You weren’t there. There was another man there, and they still had the box. They gave me a store credit. But you said that if I had the receipt and my ex-husband paid cash, then—”

Me: “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Miss… I have been here all day. I haven’t left my desk once because I was expecting you. There has been no one else.”

Customer: “I went to the store on the north side of town. Do you work in the store on the north or south side?”

Me: “Miss, there is only one [store] in town.”

Customer: “Well, no. They told me that there are two. One in the north and one in the south.”

Me: “Miss, do you still have the receipt?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Could you read it to me? Right from the top?”

Customer: “It says [Competitor], [address], [date]—”

Me: “Miss, your receipt is from [Competitor].”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “This is [store].”

Customer: “Oh…” *click*

(The really funny part? That day, working at the returns desk at the competitor’s store was a guy with the same name as me! She came gunning right for him. The poor guy never had a chance.)

(I am Asian. I work as a cashier at a supermarket. Today I get one of my great-aunts in line. We chat as I am checking out her groceries.)

Aunt: “So have you found anyone yet, [Name]?”

Me: “Not yet, Auntie.”

Aunt: “Well, [My Grandma] is getting anxious, you know. She wants great-grandchildren.”

Me: “She already has great-grandchildren, Auntie. My cousins have kids, remember?”

Aunt: “Then, your parents! They want to see you married and settled with grandchildren!”

(My parents have never made any such demands of me, nor made any indication of such being expected. I remain calm and polite, as I am still at work and my great-aunt is a paying customer.)

Me: *changing the subject slightly* “I think my sister would have something to say about that!”

(My sister is both older than me and already married.)

Aunt: “Oh, yes, that’s right! She did the right thing, you know; marrying properly.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Aunt: “She married that nice [regional Chinese] boy. Not just [other Chinese], but [regional Chinese], like us. Proper. Your grandma said so.”

(I am appalled, all the more so because she’s utterly sincere.)

Me: “…I thought she was joking?”

Aunt: “Oh no! Very serious. She was quite upset when [My Cousin] married that Vietnamese boy. And all these others, gwailo (white people) and…”

(She goes on a tirade about not marrying outside the group. I am speechless.)

Me: “Your total is [amount], Auntie.”

Aunt: “Oh, I bought too much again! Ah, the boys will eat it. See you soon, [My Name]!”

(I automatically wave goodbye, still dumbfounded. Finally, she’s bagged her things and gone.)

Me: *thinking out loud* “Screw this. I might as well join a convent.”

Next Customer: “I don’t think that’d work for a bright young girl like you, sweetheart.”

(It is at this point I realize both my new customers are wearing habits and veils.)

Me: “Oh, crap! Sorry, Sisters.”

Nun #1: “Don’t be!”

Nun #2: “We heard what she said. You love who want, when you want, in your own good time.”

Nun #1: “Besides, running off to a convent doesn’t work like that these days. You need a vocation.”

(She leans forward to take my hand.)

Nun #1: “And convent life isn’t all that cracked up to be! You’re a good girl, and a lovely person. We always look for you when we stop by, you know. Take your time to figure out your path.”

Nun #2: “And if it does lead to us, at least you’ll be prepared! Either way, have faith. Bless you, dear!”

(I finish ringing them up, and they go on their way. My supervisor walks over.)

Supervisor: “You all right?”

(I shrug, dazed.)

Supervisor: “Go take your break. You’re due for one, anyway.”

(One of the weirdest and most heartwarming shifts I ever had!)