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    Idiot’s Combo

    | VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (I work in a hospital cafeteria as a cashier. We have different combos for our grill for stuff like burger and fries, or sandwich and soup. The examples are merely suggestions, and don’t vary in price depending on your combination. Two middle-aged women come up with their items.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you all doing today?”

    (Customers #1 and #2 don’t say anything.)

    Me: “Okay, I see you have 2 grilled cheese, a soup, fries, and 2 drinks.”

    (I hit the combo button twice to keep them moving.)

    Customer #1: “Hey! What did you do there?”

    Me: “…I put in your orders?”

    Customer #1: “You put two combos, but I don’t have two combos!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you have two grill items and two side items.”

    Customer #1: “I know what I have! I don’t have the soup, so it’s not a combo! You’re trying to make me pay more!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s actually cheaper if you—”

    Customer #1: “It says right there,” *she reads slowly* “Sandwiches… and… soup… combo. It’s not a combo and you put it in as a combo!”

    Customer #2: “Yeah! I saw you do it right here!”

    Me: “Alright, I’m sorry about that.”

    (I change it, making the total go from about $6 to $8.)

    Customer #1: “That’s better!”

    (We exchange money, and they both leave, when a doctor comes up next.)

    Doctor: “Could you imagine if we made combos for healthcare? They’d go broke from taking care of a cold!”

    Fighting Hate Is Everyone’s Job

    | Halifax, NS, Canada | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Top

    (There are three customers outside on the patio: three men, one with long hair. The other two customers are friends and start volleying increasingly homophobic insults at him. I, as the hostess am closest and move to intervene.)

    Me: “Gentlemen, please return to your meal. Abuse of the other patrons will not be tolerated and I do not want to have you thrown out.”

    Customer #1: “What the h*** are you talking about, are you dumb? That guy’s a fucking f**. Look at his f***ing hair!”

    Me: “You cannot discern another person’s sexuality from a hairstyle, sir, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I already told you that I cannot allow you to insult the other patrons. I do not want to retrieve security.”

    Customer #2: “Screw that, b****! We’re not going anywhere. I’m in the middle of eating.”

    (Surprisingly, a police man still in uniform walks up to us.)

    Customer #1: “Hey, police man! This dumb f***ing c*** wants to throw us out instead of that d*** gay over there. Can you f***ing believe that?”

    Policeman: “What I believe is that I should be very grateful to have a wonderful boyfriend who waited for me even though I was late and two idiots were heckling him. I believe that this young lady is quite commendable for standing up to those two idiots. I also believe you two want to pay for you lunches and leave.”

    (There’s a bit of a stand off before the two get up and simply leave two twenty dollar bills. I turn to the remaining customer.)

    Me: “I’m very, very sorry, sir. I’ll tell your waiter that lunch for you and your partner is free.”

    Customer #3: “No need, miss.”

    (He pulls a ten dollar bill out of his wallet.)

    Customer #3: “Hostesses don’t get tipped, do they?”

    Me: “That’s really not necessary, sir. It’s all just part of my job. I was happy to help.”

    Policeman: “And for that miss, I think it is necessary.”

    (He sits down across from his boyfriend and also hands me a ten. One of the men returned to complain to my manager ten minutes later and was summarily banned from the restaurant when the policeman and his partner explained what happened. I went to their wedding eight months later.)

    Do You Accept Reality Checks

    | MO, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

    (My boyfriend’s sister owns her own jewelry shop. I’m helping her with one of the city’s ladies nights and at the time, and am standing to the side of one of her displays. I am 5’11″ and light-skinned.)

    Customer: “Wow, you have done so well with this shop! Have you had any help tonight?”

    Friend: “Yes, my sister and my brother’s girlfriend.”

    Customer: “I haven’t seen anyone around.”

    (I step next to her and chime in.)

    Me: “Hello, having a—”

    (The woman then grabs me and yells.)

    Customer: “Oh, god! You’re real.”

    (She then proceeds to touch my face while mumbling.)

    Customer: “She can’t be real… no… nooooooo!” *walks away*

    Tipping On Tiptoes

    , | ME, USA | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    Regular: *pulls out two dollars and looks around* “You know, I’ve never seen a tip jar. Where is it?”

    Me: “We aren’t supposed to have one. It would be taxed out of our paychecks.”

    Regular: “But [coffee shop next door] has one! And what if you guys do a good job and I want to tip you?”

    Me: “Then we still aren’t supposed to accept it.”

    Regular: “Well, that sucks!” *drops the dollars on the counter* “Oh no! I accidentally dropped my money and now I’m leaving because I totally forgot it bye!” *runs out the door*

    Follow The Trail Of Cookie Crumbs

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

    (I am working in a ‘Mom & Pop’ coffee shop, where things are run by an owner who is hardly around and no managers. Baristas only work with coworkers on the morning shift. This takes place on a weekday afternoon with only me working and few customers around.)

    Customer: “It’s my birthday. I get something for free, right?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t do that here.”

    (The customer points to brownies, which are our most expensive pastry item.)

    Customer: “I can get one of those for free, right?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we just don’t give free items to people on their birthdays.”

    Customer: “But it’s my birthday!”

    Me: “Maybe Starbucks down the street has that sort of item. We’re a privately owned Mom & Pop coffee shop, and our owner doesn’t offer that sort of thing.”

    Customer: “Get your manager. He’ll give it to me.”

    Me: “He’s not around at the moment.”

    Customer: *points to brownies again* “How much are those?”

    Me: “$2.25.”

    (The customer wanders away. I see him meander over to some other customers enjoying their coffee at a table and strikes up a conversation with them. This isn’t unusual, as our coffee shop is quite a neighborhood social spot. After a few minutes, he begins talking to another customer. Then, he comes back to counter.)

    Customer: *dumps load of change on counter* “How much will this buy me?”

    (I realize that he had been hitting up the other customers for change. I suddenly realize that there is something very off about this customer, and am a bit scared, but because I am alone I decide the best thing to do is help him and get him out of the coffee shop as quickly as possible.)

    Me: *counting* “You have about $3.00.”

    Customer: “What can that buy me?”

    Me: *points to menu* “Anything under $3.00 on that menu.”

    Customer: *points to brownies* “Can it buy me that?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: *points to cookies* “Can it buy me that?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll take one of those and one of those.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but cookies are $1.40. With the brownie it will cost you $3.65. You don’t have enough money for both. But you can buy two cookies.”

    Customer: “Okay. I’ll take that.” *points to cookie* “Can you microwave it for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have a microwave. I can put it in the convection oven for you.”

    Customer: “You don’t have a microwave?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: points to toaster* “Put it in there.”

    Me: “In the toaster?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: *reluctantly* “Alright.”

    (As I toast the cookie, the customer pulls out a cellphone and plays around with it.)

    Customer: “I’ll sell you this cellphone for $15.”

    Me: “Thanks, but I already have a cellphone.”

    Customer: “But then you’d have two cellphones!”

    Me: “I can’t afford another one, thanks.”

    Customer: *punching some buttons on cellphone* “Hey, what’s your number?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t give that out to customers.”

    Customer: “You’re a cute girl. I’ll show you a good time.”

    Me: “I already have a boyfriend.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “Uh, no thanks.”

    (The cookie pops up from the toaster, which I put in a bag and take to the counter to give to the customer. That’s when two cops enter from the coffee shop’s front door and two cops enter from the coffee shop’s side door, surrounding the customer.)

    Cop: “All right, buddy, you’re coming with us.”

    Customer: *reaches for cookie and change* “All right, I just need to get my stuff.”

    Cop: “She’ll hold onto it for you. Just come outside now.”

    (The customer leaves coffee shop with cops, where he is handcuffed and taken away. Another cop comes back in to explain that he had been panhandling in all of the stores on our street, acting just as erratic as he had in our coffee shop. Several of the other store owners had alerted the cops after he left their businesses, and they followed the trail of weird to our coffee shop.)


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