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    Setting Mother Straight

    | USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    (I’m working the cash register when a mom comes through with a teenage daughter in a private school uniform. I’m pretty flamboyantly gay.)

    Me: “Hello today, ladies. Did you find everything you need?”

    Mom: “Just shut up and finish this f**.”

    (I’m used to this kind of abuse, so I continue ringing her up. I notice the daughter roll her eyes at her mother, but doesn’t comment.)

    Me: “And if you could just sign that receipt right there, ma’am.”

    Mom: *snatches receipt* “You should be ashamed of yourself! Acting that way in front of my daughter! Homosexuals are ruining this country! Look at those two over there making out in the middle of the store!”

    (Her rant continues as she points to a young couple walking through the store holding hands. She then goes on to attack the ‘biker chick’ with the tattoo in the next line. I can see her daughter getting angrier, and finally she snaps.)

    Daughter: “Can you please just stop? This guy’s been pretty d*** helpful and probably has better taste in men than you! And those two are freakin’ adorable so leave them alone. You want to hear something really good? I have a boyfriend. We’ve had sex. Oh, and I got a tattoo.”

    (She proceeds to rip up the back of her shirt to reveal a tattoo on her lower back before turning back around to face her mother.)

    Daughter: “And you can’t say anything because I’m an adult just like every other person in this store. So you can take your prejudiced opinions and shove them up your a**. If you want me, I’ll be at Dad’s!” *storms out*

    Fond Of The Name Change

    | Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Our cafe makes a number of desserts. Most can be made by any of the staff. However, a few need to be made specifically by the chef. Typically, if business is not too fast, those of us taking the orders will simply call the order out to the chef for the entire cafe to hear.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a fondle.”

    Me: “Excuse me!?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’ve got some friends waiting, so hurry up.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Could, you… er… please repeat your order for me so I can put it through?”

    Customer: “A fondle! You know the one for five people! Geez, you haven’t been working here long, have you?”

    Me: “A fon… oh, the chocolate fondue?”

    Customer: “The fondle, yes! Hurry it up!”

    Me: “It won’t be long, sir. I’ll call you when it’s done.”

    (The customer, grumbling, goes and sits down at a table with various other people.)

    Me: *to the chef* “One chocolate fondle, please!”

    Chef: “One… what?”

    Me: “The last customer asked for a fondle. So, one of your absolute best fondles for him please!”

    Chef: “Well, of course! One extra-large fondle coming up!”

    (Most of the customer’s friends start chuckling. The customer himself does not seem to notice anything awry. The chef, amused, makes the fondue and brings it out to the customer himself.)

    Chef: *to the customer* “Here you are, sir. A big satisfying fondle, just as you requested!”

    (From that point on, we nearly always call fondue orders out to the chef this way. He is proud to be able to claim that he gives hundreds of men and women ‘fondles’ every day, with full approval from his wife.)

    Why Working Retail Isn’t A-pee-ling

    | California, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (It’s the holiday time and our store is very busy. There must be 40 people in the store, plus their children. One of the seasonal help comes up to me looking afraid.)

    Coworker: ”So, um… there was this women, and she um, she took her son over to a corner and well… she um had him pee in a bottle.”

    Me: “As long as he didn’t pee on the merchandise, then I don’t care.”

    Coworker: ”What should we do? I mean, who does that?”

    Me: *shrugs* “I don’t know!”

    (I investigate, and sure enough there is pee all over the floor. We clean it up best we can, but people roll their strollers and walk right through it. This is not the first time kids have peed in our store, but at least it wasn’t a full diaper left under a rounder!)

    Babysitting Him Earns You A Halo

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

    (I am ringing up a regular, who has brought her younger brother with her. This particular customer has spent a very large amount of money on both games and systems, and has a very large reserve list. Everything she buys is paid for with money that she earned herself.)

    Me: “Would you like to reserve anything coming up?”

    Regular: “Hmm… anything you could recommend?”

    Me:Call of Duty, Hitman, maybe Halo 4?”

    Regular’s Brother: “Eww, don’t get Halo!”

    Regular: “I’ll go ahead and reserve Halo.”

    Regular’s Brother:Halo is dumb!”

    Me: “You want to put $5 down on Halo 4?”

    Regular: “Yes, please!”

    Regular’s Brother: “Why the h*** are you getting Halo?”

    Me: “Will that be all?”

    Regular’s Brother: “Don’t get Halo!”

    Regular: *ignoring her brother* “Yup, that’s it!”

    Me: “Your total is [total].”

    Regular’s Brother: “I told you don’t get Halo! God, you are so freaking dumb! You’re just getting Halo 4 to play with your stupid boyfriend!”

    (The regular hands me the money and then looks to her brother.)

    Regular: “It’s my money! And don’t you even sass me! I’ll lock the Xbox in my room again!” *to me* “I’m sorry about the kid. I don’t know what his deal is!”

    Me: “It’s no problem. You have a great day!”

    Regular: “You have a good day, too!” *to her brother* “I’ll make sure dad knows that you were being a jerk today! You will be so grounded!”

    (She grabs her brother by the arm and drags him out of the store, telling him off for his behavior all the way.)

    I Don’t Work Here, Actually Worked Here

    | Mankato, MN, USA | Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working the jewellery counter at a popular department store. As I am opening the case to show an item to a customer, a second customer walks over and pushes the first customer out of her way.)

    Customer #2: “Hey! You! Do you work here?”

    (I look up in surprise to see if she is joking. She’s not.)

    Customer #1: *sarcastically* “No, she just wears a name tag and has keys to all the expensive stuff for the fun of it.”

    Customer #2: “Well, anyway, go find someone who does, then! I need service over here!”

    Me: “Someone will be with you in a moment, ma’am, but this lady was here first.”

    Customer #2: “Not good enough!”

    (Customer #2 storms off in the direction of the watches. Meanwhile Customer #1 stares at her as she stomps away.))

    Customer #1: “Did that really just happen?”

    Me: “I’m afraid so, ma’am.”

    Customer #1: “Wow. I didn’t think people like that were real.”

    Related:
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6

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