(My older sister texts to ask if Mom has mentioned what she want for Christmas.)

Me: “She does want peace on earth but that’s out of my price range.”

Sister: “Hmm. She’s lucky if we can get peace at home.”

(I overhear my 12-year-old son talking to his girlfriend on the phone.)

Son: “What does it feel like when I kiss you?”

(I don’t hear her answer, but he replies.)

Son: “That’s weird, because it makes me feel a bit sick in my mouth when I kiss you.”

(My boyfriend and I have been doing the long-distance thing for the last five of the nine months we’ve been dating. My birthday is a few days before Christmas. We have made plans to have me meet his mom on that day. He plans to give me both a Christmas gift and a birthday gift. Although I’m the sentimental sort, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of what to give to him. I’m trying to get him to reveal anything I can use to make a meaningful gift for him that he’ll like.)

Me: “I’m trying to come up with some ideas for what to do to celebrate Christmas with you in some way. I want to do something special, but my imagination’s lacking.”

Boyfriend: “I am not ignoring you. Just got home five minutes ago. Eating mac and cheese. And anything is special as long as it’s with you.”

Me: “HOW!? You are wonderful. I can’t help wondering how you do it? Make me feel like I do?'”

Boyfriend: “Thank my mom for raising a gentleman. Chivalry isn’t dead; it’s a boss.”

Me: “A thousand times I thank her. Chivalry is a zombie. People thought they’d killed it, but it keeps coming back. And totally wants women for their brains.”

(The particular call centre I work at calls alumni from the university, both to give them updates and to solicit donations. The alumnus I’m speaking with is quite polite. I’m partway through the call.)

Me: “…so the date of your reunion is in two months. It sounds like you really enjoyed your time here!”

Alumnus: “I definitely did.”

Me: “Part of the reason you were able to enjoy it so much is because of the generosity of other alumni, like you, from the past—”

Alumnus: “Oh, we’re doing that part now.”

Me: “…so if you’d like, I could—”

Alumnus: “Hold on a second! Khrrrrrrrt…”

(The alum has started making not-quite-static noises with his throat.)

Me: “Uh, sir? Are you—”

Alumnus: “You’re breaking up! Khhrrrrrrrtzzzzz!”

(This is followed by an actual phone click.)

(We’re selling our old pushchair. It was a gift and not really suitable. Despite it being pretty new and in excellent condition we are selling it for a fraction of the cost. We get a buyer and arrange a date to collect. The buyer and her young child knocks on the door.)

Buyer: “Hi. I’m here for the pushchair.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, great. Well as you can see, it is as-new. We must have only used it a few times.”

Buyer: “Yeah. It looks great. But, I haven’t brought enough money with me.”

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry, but we did agree on a price. It is already half that you would pay in the shops.”

(The buyer turns to her child, and exclaims very dramatically.)

Buyer: “Oh, no, baby! You won’t be able to have a nice new pushchair now. You were so looking forward to it as well!”

(At this point I go to the door. I can see that the woman has intentionally upset her little boy, to try and make us feel sorry for him.)

Me: “Look. We agreed on the price and we are not going any lower. You can either go get some cash out, or clear off. This is a bargain. We have lots of other people interested.”

(The buyer stands there for a moment. I shut the door. Surprisingly, a few seconds later, she is standing there with the money ‘she found in her car.’ It was the exact amount.)