(I’m ringing up a customer at a store that specializes in Christian books and church resources. She has two coupons: one for 20% off everything, and one for 40% off a single item.)

Me: “…and with the coupon, your total comes to $18.95.”

Customer: “No, no, you didn’t use both my coupons. I have two here, see?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t use both of them on the same transaction. I used the 20% because it would save you more. You can hold on to the 40% to use another time.”

Customer: “No! You have to use both!”

Me: “Ma’am, it says that you can only use one coupon per item. The 20% covers everything in your order. It’s a better deal overall.”

Customer: “Liar! It doesn’t say that anywhere! The manager at your other location lets me do this all the time!”

Me: “No, he’s pretty strict about company policy. I’m positive he wouldn’t double up on coupons. Look here at the fine print: ‘Only one coupon per item.'”

Customer: “You are a filthy liar trying to cheat me out of my hard-earned money! What is your name?”

Me: “…my name, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’m going to report you to corporate and you’re going to lose your job! What is your name?!”

Me: “My name is [name], ma’am.”

Customer: “[Name], got it. You’re going to be sorry!”

(She snatches both her coupons away, and stomps toward the door. As she storms by the line of customers behind her, another customer pipes up.)

Other Customer: “What a lovely Christian attitude you had talking to that cashier! That’s DEFINITELY what Jesus would have done!”

(The angry customer goes beet red and flees. I never see her again, and no, she never called corporate to complain.)

(I’m shopping for pet supplies at my local store when I overhear a conversation.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Employee: “Yes, ma’am? How can I help you?”

Customer: “My son’s gerbil just died. It was only two years old. He’s been completely miserable ever since.”

Employee: “Oh… I’m sorry about that. Did you want to look for a new pet? Our small animal section is right over here. We have hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs—”

Customer: “Yes. But I don’t see much point in getting an animal that’s just going to die in two years. Don’t you have any animals that don’t die?”

Employee: “…excuse me?”

Customer: Animals… that… don’t… die. Do you have any?”

(The employee gives her a blank look.)

Customer: “Do you have them or not?!”

Employee: “Um, I’m afraid all animals die eventually, ma’am. There’s nothing we can do about that.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll just go to [rival store], because you people have nothing but inferior products here!”

(The customer storms out of the store, leaving the bewildered associate standing there by herself. She makes eye contact with me from across the aisle, and we both start cracking up.)

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(It’s almost dusk at the gift shop I am running at the southern rim of the Grand Canyon. A tourist couple approaches.)

Woman: “Where is the best spot to watch the Canyon at night?”

Me: “Well, anywhere along the walkway is good, but the sun’s going down very soon.”

Man: “Yes, we want to be here when they turn on the lights.”

Me: “…lights?”

Woman: “Yes, so we can see it at night.”

Me: “Umm, the Canyon is over a mile deep at this point, and the northern rim is over a mile across from here. There aren’t any lights in it for nighttime.”

Man: “Then how do you see it at night?”

Me: “…basically it’s the big blackness out there.”

(I am at the pharmacy picking up my prescription. I am standing in line behind a very elderly lady.)

Pharmacist: “Hello, ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Elderly Lady: “I am picking up my prescription. It’s under Mrs. [last name].”

(I overhear the elderly lady, and realize that she has the same last name as I do. This is not a totally uncommon name, but it doesn’t happen too often.)

Pharmacist: “Okay! Here we go I think it’s… huh…”

(The pharmacist looks confused as she picks up some pills.)

Pharmacist: “Can you tell me your first name please? I don’t think I grabbed the right one.”

Elderly Lady: “Sure, it’s [first name].”

(By a crazy coincidence, this is my first name too! At this point the pharmacist widens her eyes in shock as she stares at the pill box in her hand. She starts to stammer.)

Pharmacist: “But… um… I don’t… uhh… how?”

Me: “Um, I think those might be mine. I have the same first name and last name. Those are my birth control pills.”

Pharmacist: “Oh thank GOD! I thought I was in the twilight zone!”

Elderly Lady: “Oh dear! No wonder! No I don’t want THOSE!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Airline]; this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I want to book a flight from here to Los Angeles.”

Me: “Okay, what city are you departing from?”

Caller: “I want to go to Los Angeles.”

Me: “From where?”

Caller: “From here.”

Me: “What city are you in?”

Caller: “The same as you.”

Me: “I’m in Baltimore, Maryland. Is that where you are?”

Caller: “No. Can’t you tell from my phone number?”

Me: “We have no way of knowing where you’re calling from. If you tell me what city you’d like to depart from, I can look up the flights for you.”

Caller: “Well if you don’t know where I am, what good are you?” *click*

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