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    He Isn’t Leaving, But She Had Better

    | Devon, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Top

    (I’m looking after my friend’s little girl so she can have a day to herself and relax. As we are in town, I go into work so I can check when I’m next working, then have a drink. The girl sees a kid she goes to nursery with. So, I let her go say hello, whilst keeping an eye on her of course. Next thing I know, my friend’s girl is by my side crying.)

    Girl: *points to a random older woman* “That woman said you’re going to leave me.”

    Me: “What have you been saying to my kid?”

    Woman: “Only the truth. All you young guys are the same. You all leave when you’ve—”

    Me: “Okay, you can shut it right there. Now she may not be mine biologically, but I love her like she was my own flesh and blood. More then you could ever imagine. And like h*** am I going to let some insignificant low life like you poison her mind to think otherwise, do you understand me?”

    Woman: *stares back in shock*

    Me: “I said do you understand me?”

    Woman: “Y-yes.”

    (Next, I turn to the little girl, who I’ve picked up by now.)

    Me: “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. Now, who’s my little bumble?”

    Girl: “I am. Love you Uncle!” *kisses me on the cheek*

    One Size Fits All

    | Halifax, NS, Canada | Awesome Workers, Top

    (A man comes to the counter and places two dresses on the counter: one sized XS and one sized XXL.)

    Me: “Are these dresses both for the same woman?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. These are both very different sizes, so they are not likely to fit the same person. What size does she usually take?”

    Customer: “Um… I’m not sure.”

    Manager: “Well, does she look more like me or more like her?”

    (Note: my manager is quite small, and I am quite big.)

    Customer: “Um… uh… I’m sure these will be fine.”

    Me: “Sir, because the price is marked down on these dresses they will be Final Sale, so you will not be able to return them if they are not the right size. Are you sure we can’t help you?”

    (The customer looks around furtively, then leans in close so that only my manager and I can hear what he is saying.)

    Customer: “These dresses are for me, actually.”

    (My manager looks at me, and I at her, and then she turns to the customer and speaks a very matter of fact voice.)

    Manager: “Why don’t you go try them on, then?”

    Customer: “Really? Would that be okay with you?”

    Manager: “Of course! Let me get you started with a fitting room.”

    (I spend the next hour bringing this man dresses to try on and he had a lovely time! He introduced himself to me and thanked us profusely for being so understanding and helpful. He left with four dresses, all of which fit him to a tee, and he came back regularly after that.)

    Children Of The Candy Corn

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I notice a mother has three children with her; the youngest (and only boy) is about eleven. As I am ringing up her groceries, the boy is looking at a rather large bag of candy on the belt.)

    Me: “Did you find everything alright today ma’am?”

    Customer’s Son: “Mom! Get me some candy!”

    (As he says this, the son starts grabbing candy bars from a display and puts them on the belt.)

    Customer: “I already bought you a bag of candy.”

    Customer’s Son: “I WANT SOME CANDY!”

    Me: “Sorry, your mother said you couldn’t have any.”

    Customer’s Son: “Shut up!”

    (I ignore him and as the candy comes down the belt, I take it off, intending to put it back. However, the son sees me do this.)

    Customer’s Son: “Hey! Stop that! I want that candy!” *turns to his mother* “Make her stop! Make her give me the candy!”

    Customer: “I just bought you a big bag of candy!”

    (This exchange goes on for a while, and finally the mother caves and I reluctantly ring up the candy. I begin to bag it as the boy goes through the bags, grabbing the large bag of candy, hugging it to his chest, and running out of the store.)

    Me: “I normally don’t give opinions on kids, but he could have at least helped you carry out the bags.”

    Customer: “Oh, he’s the only boy in our family. We have to spoil him and he knows it!” *leaves*

    Hopefully, That’ll Be The End Of That Customer

    | MD, USA | Awesome Customers, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    Customer #1: “I hope this is better than last time! My last ham was salty and had too much fat!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. We do have a guarantee on flavor, so if you—”

    Customer #1: “Never mind, it was a while ago. I want a 10 pound shank.”

    Me: “Okay, let me get one.”

    (I pull a ham about that size from the refrigerator, put it on the counter in front of her and unwrap the foil.)

    Customer #1: “No! No! That has way too much fat! See right there!”

    (I look down at where she is pointing and note it is a normal deposit found in all hams. I decide it’s not worth arguing.)

    Me: “Okay, let me get another.”

    (I do so, but she’s still not satisfied.)

    Customer #1: “No, that’s not any good either! It has too much fat!”

    (This repeats several times, as I show her a total of nine other ham shanks, all of which, predictably, have the same small fat deposit. I’m literally running out of hams to show her. Customer #2, a man standing behind her in line, has been quiet but has been getting increasingly agitated.)

    Customer #1: “What is with this place! All these hams have fat!”

    (Customer #2 finally snaps.)

    Customer #2: “Of course it has fat, you moron! It’s a pig’s a** cheek!”

    Customer #1: *stunned* “It is?”

    Customer #2: “Yes! He’ll tell you!” *points at me*

    Me: “Well yes, ham comes from the, uh, hind end of a pig.”

    Customer #1: “Oh my God, that’s disgusting! I’m never buying this again!”

    (She storms out, and Customer #2 steps up to the counter.)

    Customer #2: “Finally. One 12-pound pig a** cheek, please.”

    Morpheus, Tarantino, And The Green Lantern Walk Into A Bar

    | Newcastle, NSW, Australia | Geeks Rule

    (It’s a slow day and there haven’t been many customers come through. Around lunch time two teenagers, a girl and a boy come into the store and start browsing through the boxes of comic books. I overhear snippets of their conversation; the boy seems to have no idea of anything that he is seeing, while the girl does. They stop in front of a large poster commemorating 20 years of Sandman comics. The boy reads from a list one character is holding.)

    Boy: “Death… Despair… Morpheus!” *to the girl* “Help me find Morpheus!”

    Girl: “Who?”

    Boy: “Morpheus! You know big dude from the Matrix series?”

    Girl: “I know, but you do realise he won’t be there, right?”

    Boy: “His name is on the list. And this is a comic book store, he should be on there!”

    Girl: “Dude, really? The poster says that it’s from the Sandman series. Why do you expect a guy from The Matrix to be there? Morpheus was a god of the realm of sleep and dreams, and if you look at the other names on that list they seem pretty god-like. There isn’t a big black dude on that poster and if I were to hazard a guess, he would be Morpheus.” *points to a figure on the poster* “You’re a bit embarrassing.”

    (She moves away to look at the collectible figurines from movies and television shows while he continues to puzzle over the poster. He eventually comes over and accidentally knocks some of the toys off of the shelf. She cringes while he’s picking them back up.)

    Girl: Oh hey, that’s a Kill Bill action figure!”

    Boy: “What’s Kill Bill?”

    Girl: “Are you kidding? Kill Bill is probably one of the best films Tarantino has made!”

    (They move to leave, when the girl comes over and looks at the box of badges on the counter. The boy grabs her by the elbow and pulls her out of the store.)

    Girl: “But.. but… the Lantern Corps insignias were on those! Beware my power, Green Lantern’s LIGHT!”

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